Tada gan iarracht
by Jaxolelady
Summary: How I picture Jax and Tara hooking up. Story follows through until the end of season 3, this is just the first part, working on the second part.
1. Tada gan iarracht

1994

She was sitting in chemistry class chewing on the cap on her pen, her knee moved up and down restlessly and periodically she would glance over her shoulder at the clock to check the time. 2:55. Shit the time was going slow today she thought, her knee moving faster.

Today was the day that Big John was letting her ride alone. It was her first time riding alone so she was equal parts scared, excited, and anxious.

She hoped she didn't fall. Or drive into a tree.

Jax and Opie would never let her live that shit down.

She was brought out of her daydream by David Hale's sharp elbow in her side. She looked up at her chemistry teacher, who was looking at her expectantly.

"Oh ummm….I'm not sure Mr. Wallace", Tara said, which brought a slight frown to Mr. Wallace's face, there had never come a time in any of his science classes that Tara Knowles was unsure.

"Mr. Hale?", Mr. Wallace said moving on.

"If you want to convert from mass to moles, you must first find the molar weight of the compound, then divide that by the amount of the compound that you have, in grams of course", David said in his most haughty voice. Tara gave him an annoyed glance out of the corner of her eye, for some reason he always set her teeth on edge.

Tara continued tapping her foot impatiently, no wonder Jax and Opie skipped so often, when it came down to bike versus school, bike always won.

Just when she decided to stand up and walk out of the classroom, the bell rung. Tara wasted no time grabbing her backpack and running out of the classroom, which was also unlike her as she usually lingered to speak with her teacher after class was dismissed.

When she reached the hallway she began to run full out, not stopping to talk with her best friend Donna, or at her locker. Her body, heart and brain were of the same accord; finally, finally sitting on the beautiful Triumph 200 cc cub that she (along with the occasional helping hand of Jax, Opie and Big John) had restored herself.

"Wooooo! Today is the day! Good luck TARA!, Donna screamed as Tara sped past her.

She pushed out of the double doors that led to the front of the school, and there her baby was in all her glory. Recently painted midnight blue with dull silver chrome, she glistened in the sun, beckoning her new owner to ride her.

Tara's breath caught in her throat, she moved as if in a dream, each step bringing her closer to the freedom she had been pushing for the last year. As she approached her bike she noticed the words , "_**Tada gan iarracht**_" inscribed on the side of the gas tank. Jax and Opie were standing on either side of her bike watching her.

"What does that mean?" she asked with a shaky voice

"Nothing without effort", Big John said from behind her. She turned to him and ran into his arms, if Jax and Opie were like her brothers, then Big John was the father she lost when her mother died. She closed her eyes and let him lift her off the ground.

"Thank you", Tara said breaking the embrace.

"Don't thank me, sugar, Thank Jax, he's the one that decided the inscription would complete your bike" Big John said looking over her head to where Jax and Opie stood.

Tara ran over to Jax, she nearly knocked him down in her excitement. "Thank You Jax!", she said pressing her body hard to his. He embraced her back, running one work roughened hand down her back and the other underneath her long hair. He cradled the back of her head in his hand, for a second Tara thought he might kiss her on the lips, but instead he kissed her on the forehead and gave her a cocky smile.

"Nothing doing darlin', you did all the hard shit I just added some gloss", he winked and released her. He stepped toward his own bike that was parked in front of Tara's.

Opie held out her helmet and her keys.

"Where to Tara?", he asked excitement in his voice.

"Ummmm…..", she said thinking hard and fast, "Just follow me and we'll see what we see."

"Aight, you kids be careful", big john said, "Jax, Opie watch her back, and try to be home before daybreak" he said eyeing Jax and Opie.

"No prob, pops", Jax said revving his engine, drawing the attention of everyone around them. Tara shook her head at him, sometimes she wanted to slap him across the back of the head like Clay did when he was stepping out of line.

Tara picked her book bag up and put it on her back, she strapped her helmet on her head and straddled her bike. Her heart started pounding a mile a minute, she was actually riding alone, on HER BIKE. She put her key in the ignition and started her bike, the engine purred to life, vibrating her thighs and exciting her even more. She raise her hand in a farewell wave to Big John, kicked her kick stand up and pulled off. At first she drove with trepidation, letting Jax take the lead. When they got out of the city limits, Opie pulled up along side Jax and she was left to bring up the rear, not one to be left in their dust, she revved her engine and pulled around and in front of them. She sped up, leaving them in her dust. The feel of the wind whipping past her head and around her body spurred her forward. She rode and rode, watching the road slip past her and the sun began to set. Opie pulled out in front of her and began to guide the way to their familiar hang out, his father's cabin. Pulling up in front of the cabin Tara began to take it all in, she felt free, totally free and she had her two best friend with her. It wasn't until she got off of her bike and was walking toward the cabin that she noticed Donna's beat up little rabbit parked off to the side.

So, Tara thought, they were gonna have a party. She smiled with anticipation for the night to come.

Tara was standing with Donna, Opie and Mark Rosen when it happened. One minute she was standing next Mark, giggling like crazy and some inane joke Donna told and passing around the joint she had rolled earlier, and the next Jax was running toward her screaming her name. She turned to him with the joint in her hand still not registering what was happen, he jumped toward her his 9 mm glock in his hand, and slammed her down to the floor. Finally Tara was able to register the popping sounds coming from all around them as gunshots, glass was flying in all directions from the broken windows and Jax was laying heavily on Tara. The gunshots stopped and Jax got off of her, Mark and Opie stood up with him. Jax reached into the back of his jeans and pulled out a .38 special handgun and handed it to Tara. He got right in her face.

"You see anyone you don't recognize, you cap them", he said looking directly into her eyes. Tara nodded her head quickly and look back into Jax's eyes conveying everything she could not say in that moment. Tara watched as Jax, Opie and Mark made their way out of the door each with a gun in his hand.

Tara pulled herself up to hunches, then glanced behind her at Donna, who looked scared and held a gun similar to Tara's in her hand. Tara nodded her head at Donna once and Donna nodded back. Donna knew how to use the gun in her hand, Tara did not, but Tara was not afraid to protect herself. She was worried about Jax. He was outside and whoever had just shot up a known SAMCRO hang out could even now have their gun trained on him.

Tara felt before she heard or saw movement in at the door, before she could think she trained her gun on the door, and before the ugly looking long haired mexican could raise his gun at her she pulled the trigger. The jolt from the gun vibrated through her arm, making it sting but Tara was lucky and her bullet hit the mexican in the stomach, the next two shots hit him in the throat and the forehead but they did not come from Tara's gun they came from Donna's.

Tara heard footsteps coming up the front stairs from outside and raised her gun again but this time Opie came running through the door. He stopped just inside the doorway, taking in the dead mexican and the guns that were trained on his head. He kicked him as he passed by him and then made a bee line to Donna. Tara watched as he grabbed her face and asked if she was okay. Donna nodded once and Opie kissed her hard on the lips.

Jax came running through the door next, he didn't even look at the dead mexican on the floor he simply stepped over him and walked toward Tara with a fierce expression on his face. Tara thought he might yell at her, but instead he walked up to her, looked her in the eye, put his hands on either side of her face, leaned down and kissed her. Tara thought her heart would explode in her chest, he pressed her against him letting his fingers slide through her hair and down her back he wrapped his arms around her. Tara let herself be kissed, not really sure of how to kiss him back, she let him slide his tongue in her mouth, let him press his body against hers. She felt as though someone had just set a struck match to her body, just when she thought you would melt in a puddle at his feet, he let her go.

"We need to get out of here", Jax said. Tara stared up at him, completely dumbfounded. "Tara will ride with me, Op, you take Donna on your bike, and Mark will ride Tara's bike, we all need to stay together until we get back to the clubhouse" he said looking Opie straight in the eye.

"Okay" Opie said grabbing Donna's hand and leading her out of the cabin. Tara followed Jax out of the cabin, she stopped next to her bike and grabbed her helmet. She quickly got onto the back of Jax's bike while strapping her helmet on her head. Jax climbed onto the front of his bike and waited while Mark got on her bike. As Tara watched her bike sag under the weight of Mark's body, she thought so much for freedom. They all pulled off quickly, making their way back to the safety of the Son's clubhouse and Big John.


	2. An angel on his shoulder

1994

As Jax pulled into the Teller-Morrow garage Tara shook herself out of her daze. She let Jax help her off of the bike and immediately felt his arms close around her. She felt like passing out, throwing up...something. She looked around at Opie, Donna and Mark and knew that they all needed Big John to reassure and steady them before they would feel okay again.

Jax pulled her toward the office and they all followed each hoping to find Big John so they could let him know what had just gone down. Jax pushed the office door open and came up short when he saw his mother sitting in the office chair, a joint in her trembling hand and blood shot eyes.

Jackson!", she shouted and pulled him by the front of his t-shirt away from Tara and towards her. Tara did not let his hand go though, so Gemma ended up pulling both of them toward her.

"Where the HELL have you been?" she shouted at him.

"Chill mom", Jax said as he reached up and pushed her hands away from his shirt collar. "I need to talk to dad, asap", he said clearly not caring that his mother was visibly distressed.

"Baby...", she began as fresh tears sprang to her eyes,"Your father...John...", her voice broke again and she looked away from Jax with fresh tears coursing down her face.

Tara was terrified of what was going to come out of Gemma's mouth, but she knew that they all had to hear it and that Gemma needed to say it out loud. She let go of Jax's hand and approached Gemma, she grabbed her hands in a gentle grasp and rubbed her knuckles with her thumb.

"Gemma what happened to Big John?", Gemma looked up at Tara, and for the first time in Tara's short 14 years on this earth she saw Gemma looking vulnerable and scared. Tara knew then what was going to come next, but she waited for Gemma to continue.

"Your father was side swiped by an 18 wheeler this evening, and wrecked his bike," she started her voice barely a whisper, "He fractured his skull in two places and suffered a major contusion on his brain, he broke all of the bone on the right side of his body and two vertebra in his spine, he's in a coma and the Doctors are giving him a less than 10% survival rate." Gemma started crying again and crumbled to the ground taking Tara with her. Tara wrapped her arms around Gemma and let her cry all over the front of her shirt. She began rocking her and rubbing her hair, trying with all her might to sooth her like a baby.

Tara looked up at Jax and noticed that he had not moved. Gemma began to cry in earnest and that seemed to snap Jax out of his daze. He kneelled down next to Gemma and wrapped his arms around her and Tara. They stayed like that for god knows how long, while the others looked on. No one knew what to do. No one could move or breathe because the next movement would make it true, and they would all have to acknowledge that Big John was hurt, and nearly gone.

Tara leaned back from Gemma and asked her what hospital John was in, when Gemma told her she released her and stepped back as Jax lifted his mother off the floor and carried her upstairs to one of the dorm rooms. Tara leaned over the office desk trying and failing to catch her breath. She was going into shock, she recognized the symptoms from the medical book that Big John had given her for her birthday. At the thought of Big John Tara felt bile and beer rise tot he back of her throat and ran out of the office to the nearest restroom. Donna ran out after her and followed her into the bathroom. She held Tara's hair back from her face, stroking her back as her friend's body was attacked with spasm after spasm of throwing up. After Tara was done Donna walked out of the bathroom and found an old washcloth, after wetting it in the sink with cold water she pressed it to Tara's flushed began to sob, loud racking sobs. Donna said nothing just simply held her and stroked her hair, much the way she had held Gemma. That's how Jax found them, on the dirty bathroom floor, Donna holding Tara while Tara cried, huge tears falling from her eyes. Jax silently ran a hand down Donna's back, letting her know that he was there, she moved away from Tara and Jax stooped over to pick her up, carrying her into the clubhouse and up to his dorm room.

Jax laid Tara on the bed, he bent over to take her shoes off, tossing them over his shoulder one by one. Next he pulled her socks off and then removed her jeans and next her sweatshirt. He then took off all of his clothes except his boxer shorts and climbed onto the bed beside her. He reached down and pulled the blanket and sheet over them and then reached over and switched the light off. Tara stared into the darkness, and then she heard it, Jax's breath catching in his throat. She turned toward him and then she felt the bed shake with the force of his sobs. She reached over and dragged him closer to her, his head on her heart. She wrapped her legs around one of his legs, knowing that she was completely safe with Jackson, and wrapped her arms around his back. He cried into her chest, holding on to her as if she were the last thing he had left in the world. Tara kissed the top of his golden head, stroking his hair back from his face. She rubbed his back and let him sob, allowing him to get it all out. They stayed that way until they both fell into a dreamless sleep.

It had been three months since they had buried Big John, today was the day that the funeral home was putting his headstone out and Jax and Tara were going to go to the cemetery after school. Jax had not missed a day of school since Big John died. Tara thought it was because Jax knew how important had been to Big John. Jax had not missed a day, or been late for school in nearly three months. He actually raised his hand to answer questions, Tara had always known that Jax was smart (in truth smarter than she on some things) and now everyone knew it too. Tara was proud of him and she had told him as much. Jax had blown it off, stating that he had to find some way to support his mother(now that Big John was gone and Clay had stepped in as the national president, nothing was guaranteed for Jax and Gemma) so he was going to become a lawyer. Tara was very happy that Jax could now see that he had more options than the club. Gemma still did the bookkeeping for Teller-Morrow, plus they had half of the profits from the garage coming in, but Tara knew that they did not have the flow of cash that they had when John was alive, and that some weeks they just barely got by.

Tara was sitting next to Jax in their seventh period World Literature class (they were both in advance placement classes) when Colin Bernow start throwing waded up pieces of paper at the back of Jax and Tara's heads. Jax turned around and stared him down, but Colin just laughed and said, "Not so tough now that the old man is gone huh Teller, no one to protect your faggot ass from the rest of the world." Something inside of Tara's brain snapped at this, and all she could see was red. Her vision tunneled and focused in on Colin, she barely felt herself get up from her seat, barely registered the fact that she was picking up a chair and swinging it toward his head, but she was. Colin fell to the ground a surprised expression on his face, Tara pressed one foot into his balls, and the back of the chair into his throat.

"Is that surprise I see on your face Bernow?" she said quietly as if they were having a quiet talk about the weather, she pressed her foot and the chair harder. "You keep John Teller's name out of your mouth, you aren't worthy to drink his 3 month old bath water let alone make comments to his son." One of Colin's friends tried to advance on Tara to knock her out of the way but Jax punched him out before he could reach her. "Do not EVER speak John Teller's name in vain again, or I will find you and I will do this again, without mercy, do I make myself clear you sorry piece of road trash?" Colin jerked his head twice, he could not move his neck because of the pressure Tara put on it. "Good" she said with an evil smile on her face. She removed the chair but let her foot remain where it was, before she could press any harder Mrs. Hatchel screeched her name and ordered her to the front of the classroom. Tara removed her foot from Colin's balls and immediately he curled up into a ball, she spit on him as she walked by throwing an evil grin at his crew as she walked to the front of the class.

"PRINCIPLES OFFICE NOW!" Mrs. Hatchel screamed. Tara rolled her eyes and left the classroom but before she did she flashed a grin and wink at Jax, he returned her grin it was the first time Tara had seen him smile in 3 months.

Tara knew that Principle Carpenter was in the club's pocket, and at worst she would get a day of detention, so she walked to the office not with fear but with pride knowing that she had stood up for the one man that had always been there for her.

Tara sat in detention finishing up her chemistry homework. It was the first time Tara had ever been in detention, but she wondered why all of the other kids were either sleeping or staring off into space. No one had a book open or even a piece of paper. She sighed and thought, two more hours. She was just getting into her chemistry homework when a loud BOOM! sounded from the hallway, Mr. Tennison jerked awake and ran from the classroom, everyone else was up and looking around as well. Two seconds after Mr. Tennison ran from the class Jax came strolling in as if he owned the joint.

"I'm bustin' ya out of here Knowles", he said a cocky grin on his face.

Tara stuffed her papers and book into her backpack and laughed at him, "You are truly a class act Teller."

"That's what all the pretty ladies tell me sweetheart," he retorted back with a wink as he escorted her out of the classroom. They ran outside to the front of the school. Jax had his bike waiting, he handed Tara his helmet and she jumped on the back of his bike and they sped off, young and careless and free.


	3. Sex and Candy

Disclaimer.

Shit. I just now realized that I should put a disclaimer on this.

I dont own anything, Kurt Sutter is a genius in my opinion and I worship him as a writer, but unfortunately I do not own ANY of his characters. :) Damn I wish I could borrow Jax for one night though...lol. ;)

I just want to thank everyone for the reviews, they are awesome. Also this chapter is a little long as I wanted to cover the full day. Hope you enjoy it. Keep the reviews coming.

* * *

1996

"What do you think of this one Tara" Donna impatiently asked Tara as she stands in front of her in a plum purple knee length A-line chiffon dress.

"You look perfect Donna" Tara says absentmindedly with barely a glance at the latest dress Donna had on. Tara was daydreaming about tonight. Today was her birthday, to be more exact, her 16th birthday. Gemma had planned a big bash for her at her home. At first Tara had been against it, but Jax had slowly brought her around. At the thought of Jax she could feel herself getting warm. Tonight was the night, she was going to lay her cards on the table, either they were together or they were not. They had been dancing around the subject of their togetherness for…for…well, Tara thought, forever. It was time to set some boundaries, and that scared Tara more than a million parties thrown by Gemma.

"TARA!" Donna yelled, which snapped Tara back to reality.

"Yea, it looks awesome Donna", Tara said

"Jesus, would you get your head out of the sand, and get over here and help me pick out something that'll make Opie fall over!" Donna said to Tara as she walked over to her and pulled her up from bench in the corner of the fitting room.

"Tara, this is uber important, okay? I haven't seen Opie in like 6 months, what if he, like, comes back sees me and is now like repulsed by my very existence?" Tara could see that Donna was scared and fidgetting so she put her own problems aside and focused on her friend.

"Donna, Opie would love you in a paper bag, you don't need all this crap for him to notice you, and you know this." Tara said

"Yea but Reno is like chalk full of hot chicks, I'm just like this short legged, " she said as she slapped her thigh, "Mousy haired", with this she picked up a hand full of her shoulder length brown hair, "nothing" she finished and tears sprung to her eyes.

"Alright, A. do ever talk about my friend that way, B. you are BEAUTIFUL Donna, I would kill to look like you, and C. Opie LOVES you, no matter what and you know that." Tara finished meeting Donna's eyes in the mirror.

"You think so?"

"I know so babe"

"Alright, so which outfit though?" Donna said holding up two dresses on hangers.

"Neither, I say throw on those old retro hip huggers that we found in my mom's trunk and that royal blue halter top Gemma got me last month, and those smoking' hot heels you bought today and you'll be set to make Opie lose his fucking mind on sight." Tara said with a cheeky grin.

Donna laughed at her friend.

"You do have a way with words you know that? Someday you will make an AWESOME writer Tara" Donna tore off the dress and began putting on her t-shirt and jeans.

Tara sighed at that, everyone assumed that she wanted to be a writer, but lately her eye had been set on something else. As she watched Donna get dressed she remembered that Jax said that he had a surprise for her, but that she couldn't get it until her party. Tara briefly wondered what it was, she hoped like hell that it wasn't a typewriter. She wondered if maybe he wanted to talk about their ….whatever they were… as much as she did. It would certainly make things go easier, at least for her.

Tara and Donna made their way out of the dress shop and began to walk down the street. They began walking toward Maggies Books and Cyber Café , the bookstore that Maggie Unser(Chief Unser's wife) owned when Gemma rolled up in her dark blue Cadillac.

She rolled down the passenger side window, "Hey girls!" she said looking at the two girls through dark shades.

"Hey Gemma", Tara and Donna said in unison.

"Hey Donna, I need your help with something, it's kind of urgent…" Gemma said barely keeping the smile off her face.

Donna looked confused for a moment then suddenly realization dawned on her face. "Oh…oh yea! Sorry Gemma I totally blanked and …." Donna began

"No worries baby", Gemma interrupted Donna, "Let's just get to it" Gemma unlocked her door, and then pointed a finger at Tara, "We'll see YOU tonight birthday girl" and with that she drove off with Donna in tow, leaving Tara alone and staring after her in awe.

How was it that Gemma ALWAYS managed to look perfect. Perfect make-up, hair nails, shoes, car? My god, Tara thought, I'll never be able to live up to that woman's expectations of what is an acceptable woman for her son.

Tara shook off the thought and headed into the bookstore. She was immediately greeted by the smell of burning incenses and candles. She walked up to the counter and ordered a coffee, black with two sugars and leaned against it to wait. She glanced at the clock, it was only 5:00 pm, four more hours until her big birthday bash. She had plenty of time to surf the web, check her e-mail and leaf through some books before it was time to go home and get ready. Tara took her coffee and walked over to the computer farthest from the door, she knew she wouldn't be disturbed there.

She checked her e-mail first, looking for a reply from the University of California San Diego admission department. Finding nothing she began checking out the websites of different universities in the area. UCSD was her first choice, but if she didn't get in there she had to have fall backs. She signed up at several of the different universities website's to receive information and applications. She then spent an hour researching different scholarships and signing up to receive information on them. After she was done she went to her favorite joke site, and spent an hour laughing at the stupid jokes and pictures there. She read a few of the nastier ones and stored them away for later use on Jax and Opie. She got up and walked over to the medical book section of the store and picked out several medical books she had not read yet. She walked over to the counter and paid for the coffee and books, thanking Mrs. Unser when she wished her a happy sweet 16.

Time to go home and get ready, she thought as she walked slowly across the street to her bike. Her nerves were starting to get the better of her so she thought of the jokes she would tell Opie and Jax later and she began to calm down. She stored her books away in her saddle bags, and strapped her helmet on her head. Here we go, she thought as her bike roared to life.

* * *

Tara looked at her reflection in her floor length mirror. She was wearing the outfit Gemma had bought her for her birthday, short dark blue jean skirt, knee high black leather 3 inch high heeled boots, and a hot pink halter top. The skirt had two dark pink flowers for back pockets and the halter showed her mid-drift. As an act of rebellion she had thrown on the black and pink skulled knee socks she bought earlier in the week at Spencers gift shop. Tara had let her hair down, so that dark waves cascaded down to her waist, her make-up was subtle but highlighted her sea foam green eyes. She had on her mother's jade stud earrings and matching jade bracelet. She took in her appearance in the mirror, she thought she looked cute, she hoped she looked cute enough to get and keep Jax's attention tonight. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. Turning from the mirror she grabbed her bag and walked out of her bedroom door. Her heart stopped when she came face to face with her father.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" he slurred at her. He weaved back and forth on his feet in front of Tara, and reeked of gin. He looked her up and down.

"You look like a fucking whore!" he yelled at her. He grabbed her arm and shoved her toward her bedroom. Tara dug her heels into the ground and put her hand against the wall to stop him from pushing her into her room. He turned on her "You out whoring for that god damned biker trash?", when Tara did not respond and simply stood there looking at him he smacked her against her head sending her flying against the wall. She struggled to get to her feet but couldn't because he was on her back, pushing her to the ground, punching her on her arms and legs. He flipped her over and Tara brought her hands up to her face to prevent him from doing anymore damage.

"You wanna be a whore?" he screamed, "I'll show you a whore!" he said and he pushed her skirt up and began to unbuckle his pants. Tara began to fight him in earnest using her legs to push him off of her, she used the heel of her boot and drove it into his balls, he rolled off of her grabbing his crotch and screaming. Tara jumped up and ran out of the house, not looking back, scared beyond words that he was behind her. She ran and ran toward the only safe haven she had ever known, the Teller household.

The party had not kicked off when she got there, she could not see anyone milling around the front of the house. She ran straight toward the front door, not bothering to knock she just pushed through it, afraid that she would feel her father's hands close around her arms at any moment, and ran straight into Clay's chest. His arms closed around her, and in her panic she began fighting him, kicking him, biting him. He made no move to stop her, waiting for her to realize that he would not hurt her, when her hands grazed across his badges on his cut all the fight died out of her body and her arms locked around his neck and she began to cry. He picked her up like a baby and carried her into the kitchen, to Gemma.

Gemma was telling the catering staff where she wanted all the food set up when Clay walked into the kitchen with Tara in his arms. Her eyes went wide, and the breath was knocked out of her. She ran to him and put her hand on Tara's chest feeling for breathing. When she was assured that Tara was still breathing she let out a breath of her own and motioned for Clay to take her to the bathroom off the kitchen. The first thing she noticed was the red mark on the side of Tara's face, the second was the bruises on her thigh that creep under the hem of her skirt. Gemma went to work cleaning out the scrapes on Tara's hands and told Clay to get an icepack for her eye.

Tara sat stoically while Gemma worked on her. She was trying to reconcile in her own mind what had almost happened. Her father had hit her before, but he had never outright attacked her, and tried to...to...

Gemma looked at Tara, trying to find the right words to ask her if she had been raped. She stroked Tara's hair back from her face thinking of the last time she had spoken with Tara's mother Pam. Pam and Gemma had been best friends throughout school, and when Gemma had runaway when she was 16 Pam had helped her get out of town. Before Pam had died she made Gemma promise she would look out for Tara, but looking at Tara now Gemma felt like she had failed horribly.

"Baby, did he ...did he hurt you?", Gemma asked Tara quietly. Tara continued to stare off into space.

"I'm gonna need you to talk to my baby, tell me what happened so that I can help you." Gemma said quietly stroking Tara's back. Tara looked down at her hands, and back up at Gemma, she wished she had Gemma's strength, mental and physical, sometimes she wished she could trade places with Gemma.

"I dont want this bleed all over you and club Gemma, so let's just say that he and I had a disagreement and I accidentally walked into a wall, okay?" Tara's hands were shaking, her stomach was shaking and she thought she might be sick. She stood up, looking Gemma directly in the eye as she did so, which was a feat because even with her heels on Gemma still towed over her. She grabbed the edge of the counter to steady herself and turned to survey her face in the mirror. She noted that Gemma had a slight frown on her face. Tara looked down at the sink, all pretense of strength slipping away.

"He didn't rape me okay? He just...he's just hurting from when mom died and I think I am starting to remind him of her more and more." Tara said trying to make an excuse for her father's abusive behavior. She turned back to the mirror, touching the red mark near her eye. She looked at Gemma's reflection in the mirror.

"Can I borrow some make-up, I dont want to ruin tonight for ...everyone" Tara said. Gemma nodded and bent down to get her make up case from the cabinet under the sink. They both knew that Tara had not meant everyone, she had meant Jax.

"You have a family here Tara", Gemma said as she watched her cover the red mark on her face. "You'll be staying here until you graduate, I don't want you with him anymore"

Tara started to protest but Gemma held up a hand. "I made a promise to your mother to keep you safe, and I've watched for too long as he has progressed in his abuse of you, I'm not going to stand by and watch him rape you and kill you" Gemma put her hands on Tara's shoulders.

"You are like the daughter I never had, your mother was like my sister, you ARE apart of this family, and family does not stand by while one of their own is hurt." Fresh tears sprang to Tara's eyes.

"Dont hurt him Gemma", Tara said knowing that if Gemma gave Clay the word, her father would be dead. "Please" she whispered. "I'll stay here, I won't ever be alone with him again, just please, please don't hurt him, he's already hurting himself enough."

Gemma did not agree with Tara, but nodded in agreement. She would have Clay go have a few words with Marcus Knowles, and collect Tara's things, but Tara did not need to know that.

Gemma watched as Tara finished her makeup, and a slow evil smile played across her lips.

* * *

As promised Opie's mouth fell open when he saw Donna walk out of the house and into the backyard. He was standing with Jax and Mark with a beer in his hand, they were laughing at something Jax had said and suddenly Opie stopped and zeroed in on Donna. He walked away from the guys without saying a word and they both looked after him with amused expressions on their faces. Donna spotted Opie and all thoughts of coyness were forgotten, she ran to him jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. He kissed her full on the lips, and the people around them let out a rowdy cheer.

Just then Tara walked out of the patio door, and Jax's heart stopped in his chest for a moment, his hands got sweaty, and suddenly his heart was beating a mile a minute. He walked away from Mark without saying a word and Mark threw up his hands, watching Jax make a beeline to Tara.

Jax couldn't take his eyes off of her, she looked so beautiful. He felt his heart thudding faster, easy Teller, he told himself, can't go getting all sloppy just because she put on a skirt, but damn she looked good in that skirt. They walked toward each other and a slow, sexy smile broke out across Tara's full lips, Jax blinked in surprise, coming to a stop in front of her.

"Umm hi Tara", he said hesitantly sticking his hands in his pockets.

"Just having my sweet 16 party with a bunch of crazy bikers, few scared kids from school, drinkin' a beer that your mother gave me, and staring at the most handsome guy at the party" she said looking directly at him. Jax was taken aback for a moment, the most handsome guy. He wondered how many of those beers Gemma had given her.

"You okay?", he asked looking at her closely. She looked away from him, staring down at her feet and let her hair fall in her face. He tipped her chin back and stared intently at her, what he saw in her eyes made a fine rage begin to boil in his chest.

"He hit you again?" he asked, he didn't need to say who "he" was, they both knew. Tara grabbed his hand from her chin, taking his hand in hers she brought it to her lips.

"We need to talk", she said holding his hand and dragging him back into the house.

Gemma watch this from across the lawn and she frowned slightly. Those two had been growing closer and closer since John's death, she hoped like hell nothing was going on between them. Clay came up behind her and grabbed her around the waist and kissed her on the cheek.

"Looks like the kids are getting along dear" he said in an amused tone.

Gemma turned in his arms,"You dont think they're together, do you?" she said asked in a low voice.

"Nah, but he loves her, one of the guys at the club made a comment about her a few days back and Jax went crazy and attacked the guy", he said.

"But that's just being protective of her, doesn't mean they'll get together", Gemma said deep in her denial.

"Baby, when a man feels that he needs to protect a woman that way, he LOVES her" Clay said trying to drive it home for Gemma now that he knew Tara would be living with them. "It doesn't mean that they are having sex, but with her moving in that's probably going to be inevitable, but they love each other, they are the future of the club and it's good that they will be in a house with us, so that we can lead them and show them the way, so to speak." He rubbed his hand down her back. "Now let's forget about those kids and go have some fun of our own", he pulled her away from the party and led her to the garage. He leered down at her and fondled her breast, pushing her up against the wall of the garage. Gemma laughed at him and pushed the Tara and Jax issue to the back of her mind, she would deal with it later.

* * *

Tara tugged Jax into the house leading him up the stairs to his room. She walked into the room and Jax closed the door behind them, she nearly lost her nerve but then she turned and locked eyes with him and felt stronger. He always made her feel strong.

"We need to talk", she began.

"Uh oh" he said running a hand through his shoulder length hair.

Tara ignored him. She walked over to his dresser and picked up a picture of him, her and his late brother Tommy. Jax was around 10 years old in the picture and Tommy was around 6 years old, it was taken in the backyard of this very house, Tommy had been in remission then, he almost looked healthy and it was one of the few pictures were he had a head full of hair.

"I love you Jax" she blurted out. She couldn't look at him, she couldn't look and see pity. "I've loved you since I was 6 and you would ride me around on your big wheel. It's not like brotherly kind of love either, I can't play the role of your little sister anymore. I want...more." She finished. She folded her arms across her chest, holding the picture tight against her heart. She kept her back to him. "I need to know that this thing between us is solid, that I can count on you to keep your hands off of other girls, I need to know that you want me and only me." she finally turned around to face him but her eyes were on the floor. "I love you Jax, I mean it's this crazy feeling inside of me and I need to know that you feel the same, or could possibly feel the same about me" finally she raised her eyes to his and what she saw there made her heart soar.

He closed the distance between them, cupping her jaw in his hand. He leaned down and kissed her, slowly, the way he had thought about doing it for so long. He gently licked her lips with his tongue and her lips parted, he gentally stroked her tongue with his own, silently urging her to do the same. Eventually she began to kiss him back, pressing her body against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to pull him closer. He backed her up against the wall, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, clinging to him. They continued to kiss, each trying to crawl into the other's skin. He supported her weight, walking her over to his bed and laying her down. He broke the kiss, kissing his way down her body. He stopped at her belly button, using his tongue to tease her there, he continued down pulling her skirt up, and then he saw it two bruises in the shape of hands on her thighs. He pulled back from her, feeling as though he had been doused in the face with a cold bucket of water.

"He do this to you?" he said to her and Tara sat up and followed his gaze, she had forgotten about the marks there.

Jax jumped off the bed and began pacing back and forth. "Did he...did he hurt you Tara?" he asked very, very afraid of the answer.

"No"

Jax let out a pent up breath and stopped in front of her. He cupped her face again. "We dont have to do this tonight" he said slowly, giving her a minute of reality to think about what she was doing.

"I want to be with you Jax" she said standing up on her knees on the edge of the bed. She kissed his jaw, the corner of his mouth and then his lips. She pulled back a little and looked him in the eye. "I want to do this, I have never been more sure of anything in my life"She grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it above his heads. She ran her hands over his chest, they shook slightly, he was perfect. Jax reached up to undo her halter top and as he dropped it to her waist level he realized that she was not wearing a bra, he stared at her breasts tight and high and perfect, at her rib cage and her flat stomach, she was perfect. He pressed his face against her heart, feeling her warmth. Tara kissed the top of his head. They stayed like that for a minute until Jax ran his hand down her leg. She looked down at him.

"I've never...you know, will you help me?" she said shyly. His lips slowly spread into a cocky grin.

"You know I'm all about service ma'am", he said as he gentally pushed her back onto the bed. Tara laughed at him but she was nervous. Jax could see this and his cockiness faded, he did not want this to be bad for her.

"I love you too you know, always have, and I won't do anything to hurt you", he began kissing her again and Tara could feel herself being swept along by the tide again.

* * *

Tara was sore, in the aftermath of being with Jax she was so sore, but she was so happy. She lay in his arms with her head pressed against his heart and knew that this was a place she would always want to be.

"So where is my surprise?" Tara asked after a moment.

Jax chuckled, "No, Oh Jax that was the best moment of my life, or thank you so much for de-virginizing me so lovingly, Oh no, just where's my damned present?" he laughed again and Tara raised her head and glared at him.

"Get it Teller" she demanded and Jax got up from the bed in all his naked glory and walked over to his closet. He pulled out a small wrapped box, and something else, a leather cut. Tara felt her heart stop at the sight of the cut. She knew without knowing that when Gemma had married Clay Marrow six months ago that Jax would be getting back into the club life, now here was the solid proof. He laid the cut on the bed next to her, waiting for her response. She looked at it and ran a hand over it, she had respect for the club, loved them as if they were her family but she didn't want it to be HER LIFE. She looked up at Jax and cringed inwardly at the look of hope in his eyes. He flipped it over and Tara saw the words "Prospect" written across the back. She ran her hand across it.

"I'm here, Jax, no matter what and if that is what you want, I'll be there" she said seriously looking him in the eye. He smiled at her.

"Damn I love you woman" he said and kissed her hard, then handed her the wrapped present. She tore into it and Jax chuckled at her enthusiasm. She found a small jeweler box and when she opened it she saw a large white gold locket, she flipped it over and read the words "For you everything" and felt tears spring to her eyes. She tried to put it on but her hands were shaking too bad, so Jax brushed her hands aside swept her hair to the side and put it on for her.

"You're my girl, always Tara", he said seriously kissing her forehead. "No matter what or where, I just wanted to be close to your heart". Tara opened the locket and found a picture of her and Jax from the photo booth at Funtown they had taken last month.

She reached up and kissed him again. Pulling him down on top of her and to show him her love with her body.


	4. Teach glach

Disclaimer:

I dont own any of Kurt Sutter's characters. Just so y'all know ;)

* * *

Author's note:

This is a long one, again. Once I got started I just couldn't stop, keep the feedback coming I enjoy it!

* * *

1996

Tara woke up in the middle of Jax's bed on her stomach. She slowly reached her hand over, hoping to come into contact with Jax's warm body, but was left with nothing but a handful of sheet. She raised her head off the bed and pushed her hair back from her face and came face to face with pink lily. Tara recognized it as one from the arrangement in Gemma's foyer. She grabbed the flower and brought it to her nose inhaling deeply. They had made love three times the night before with Tara getting to be on top the last time. It was new to her, but she had driven Jax wild, she knew now that she had that power over him and it excited her.

Rolled to a sitting position on Jax's bed, taking the Lily with her. Holding her new locket in one hand and the Lily in the other she felt this new feeling of safety and happiness spread through her body, she felt like she was buzzing she was so happy.

She got out of the bed and made her way over to Jax's ajacent bathroom, hoping to find him in the shower. When all she found was an empty bathroom, she made her way over to the shower and decided to take advantage of the nicely appointed bathroom.

* * *

After her shower, Tara had searched around Jax's room for something to wear, which was not an easy feat, the boy was a pig. She finally came up with an old SAMCRO t-shirt and a pair of old sweatpants both of which were baggy as hell on a slight frame. They hadn't smelled too funky so she decided they were acceptable.

She made her way down the steps, hoping not to disturb anyone. She was going to go back to her father's house to pick up some clothes and her books, before heading back to the Teller home. My home, Tara corrected in her mind. She could smell coffee coming from the kitchen and decided to go and talk to Clay about what had happened with her father. When she walked into the kitchen she found Gemma leaning against a counter with a cup of coffee in her hand she came up short.

She walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup but paused when she noticed Gemma giving her the once over. She was taking in her wet hair, and clothes drawing conclusions in her own mind. Tara blushed down to her toes, lowering her gaze from Gemma and becoming suddenly nervous. Did Gemma hate the idea of her with Jax, Tara wondered quickly. She began to absently play with her locket, wishing Jax were there to steady her nerves.

Gemma let the silence hang in the room, feeling Tara's discomfort grow. She loved Tara, but she loved Jax more and she had sacrificed and fought for Jax's future with club, she would not have that ruined by anyone.

"Missed you at the party last night", Gemma began quietly. She stared Tara up and down, there no doubt in Gemma's mind what had gone down between her and Jax last night.

"Yea", was all Tara had to say. She was still staring at her feet.

"You use protection?", Gemma asked that made Tara's head snap up, and Gemma saw her eyes narrow. So, she thought, the kitten has claws.

"Yes, but if we hadn't it wouldn't be any of your business Gemma", Tara said harshly.

Gemma held her hands up to show that she was not armed. "I just dont want any grandbabies running around here is all" Gemma said sarcastically.

"Neither do I", Tara retorted.

Oh this was good, Gemma thought. She smirked at Tara, "Good". She said, and got up to walk out of the room. As she walked passed Tara she paused coming to a stop directly in front of her and stare down at her from her impressive height.

"Don't worry about going back to your house to get your things, Jax and Clay went over this morning to get them, they should be back soon. I've got some things you can put on that will be more appropriate. Then we need to go shopping for some furniture for the loft above the garage, that's where you will be staying." She tipped her head back and looked down her nose at Tara, registering all of the emotions playing across Tara's face. Gemma smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek. "Your presents are in the family room, we'll get those moved over to the loft as soon as the boys get back, for now let's go get you dolled up"

"Gemma, I dont want you and Clay spending money on me, I'll just go to the thrift shop in town and get a pull out bed and some shelves, I'll be okay," Tara says hesitantly. She doesn't know what to make of Gemma's behavior.

"Listen baby, I told you I would take care of and I meant it", she touched Tara's face suddenly the Gemma that Tara had always known. "I love you, if this thing between you and Jax goes south, you know I'm going to have to pick sides", she looked Tara square in the eye, "and it won't be yours baby, just be careful with him." Gemma leaned down and kissing Tara on the cheek.

"Come on baby" Gemma said leading the way to her bedroom.

* * *

Tara was moving boxes out of the "loft", which was really more of an apartment than anything else, when Jax and Clay came back. She heard them pull up Clay on his bike and Jax driving the truck. She watched from the bay window at the front of the wide room as Gemma walked out to greeted Clay, she unabashedly walked into his arms and gave him a kiss on the lips. She stood back from him and they spoke for a moment. Jax pulled two large boxes out of the back of the truck and walked over to them. Gemma said something to him and then pointed to the loft and Jax turned and looked up at the window, catching her watching them. She watched as he grinned at her and she grinned back, raising a hand in welcome.

He said something to Clay and then picked up the boxes and began walking toward the garage. Tara could hear him coming up the stairs and she walked to the top of them and grabbed one of the boxes from him, lightening his load.

"Hey babe", he said and kissed her on the mouth. Tara drew in a deep breath, it was going to take some getting used to, him kissing her like that. She smiled at him big and radiant. He smiled back.

"Hey yourself" she said she put the box she was holding on the bar of the kitchenette that was located on the other side of the room. Jax sat the box he was holding beside the one she had just put down. He turned to her and grabbed her by her waist bringing her in for a real kiss. Tara giggled at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He pulled back from her, "I love you" he said

"I love you more" she said

She smiled at her again and released her. Tara grabbed his hand and brought it to her lips. She noticed a few red marks on his knuckles. Her eyes flew to his, but he was looking away from her. She dropped his hand.

"Was my dad there when you went to pick my things up?" she asked fearing the worse.

"Yea" Jax said not really knowing whether or not she was upset. He didn't want to give away too much.

"Is he...okay Jax, did you and Clay..." she couldn't finish the sentence, the fear in her belly grew at the look Jax gave her.

"How can you be worried about him after what he almost did to you yesterday?" Jax was totally incredulous of her behavior.

"He's my father Jax, for good or bad" Tara whisper staring down at the ground.

Jax could understand that, he could understand standing by family, even when they treated you like shit.

"He didn't want us to take your things, he and Clay got into it, I was just helping Clay and saving your dad from a worse beating than he got" Jax said roughly.

Tara exhaled the breath she had been holding. Her father was still alive, his death wouldn't be on her shoulders. She smiled at Jax.

"Well thanks for being brave and getting my stuff, I really appreciate not having to do that myself." she said grabbing his hand and rubbing his knuckles. He smiled at her, thankful that she wasn't pissed off at him for beating her dad up.

She let go of his hand "Did you happen to grab my backpack?" she asked searching through the first box.

"Yea it's down in the truck, I'll bring all of your stuff up" he said and then he turned to go back down the stairs, he made it down three steps before he turned around and ran back up. He grabbed Tara by the hand and pulled her to him and kissed her on the lips once. She laughed at him as he licked his lips and ran back down the stairs.

Tara was unpacking the two boxes that Jax had just brought up (which was full of books) when Gemma walked up with Tara's bookbag in one hand and a handful of hangered clothes in the other. Tara walked over to her and took the clothes and book bag from her hand, and stored them in the closet across from the kitchenette.

Gemma walked over to the boxes on the bar and began unpacking the books from the second box. She stored them on the shelf next to the desk that was tucked away in the corner of the room.

Jax came up with two more boxes and then brought up four more and two large black garbage bags of clothes and nicknacks.

All the boxes were filled with books.

"Shit Tara, you have more books then the Charming Public Library" Gemma said but she was proud of Tara, and some of the titles she read there. "You're definitely going to need more bookshelves, and a nice bed, bedding, some dressers, mirrors, tables, window treatments, a couch or futon or something, a tv..." Gemma continued her list out loud walking around the room. Jax and Tara glanced at each other, neither bothered arguing with Gemma, they knew once she got started there was no stopping her.

"Jax, Tara, be ready to go in five minutes." Gemma said starting down the stairs. Jax started to protest that he thought Clay would need him at the club today (he did NOT want to go on a shopping trip with his mother), but Gemma interrupted him. Saying that he had some painting and furniture assembling to do, and being a prospect she could order him to do whatever she wanted.

Jax and Tara just stared at each other, and then started laughing. Gemma was just being Gemma, there was no stopping her.

* * *

Tara was putting up posters on her newly painted walls when she heard footsteps rapidly coming up her steps. She turned and found Donna standing there smiling at her.

"Brought your shirt back kid" Donna said dangling Tara's halter top from her fingertips. Donna took in the room, the new paint and new furniture. Gemma had spared no expense decking out Tara's new digs.

Donna walk over to Tara's new bed and sat down, watching Tara with a small smile on her face. Tara walked over to her closet and grabbed a hanger to hang up the halter top.

"So", Tara said turning away from the closet to face her friend.

Donna broke out into a huge smile and was positively glowing. She held out her left hand, a small gold band with a large diamond sat on her finger. Tara squealed and ran over to her grabbing her hand to get a closer look at that rock.

"Donna!" Tara exclaimed, "You and Opie?"

"Yea" Donna said looking down at her hand again, it was hard for her to believe as well. Tara pulled her up from the bed and gave her a big hug.

"I'm so happy for you Donna" she said kissing the top of her friend's head.

Donna pulled back from Tara and looked her in the eye, "Looks like big changes for everyone" she said a smile in her voice.

Tara looked around at her richly appointed apartment. "Yea" she said finally taking it all in.

"Not just this" Donna said spreading her arms wide, "This was bound to happen sooner or later, nah I'm talking about you and Jax."

Tara's eyes flared wide, Jax had spilled to Opie. Damn him!

Donna laughed at her and kissed her on the cheek, "No worries babygirl, it's written all over Jax's face, he didn't have to say a word to Opie"

Donna moved around the room looking at all the new furniture, and the posters and pictures Tara was beginning to put up around her room. She walked over to Tara's study area, noting that this area was clean and organized, ready to be used. She chuckled to herself, just like Tara.

"Opie is a prospect now" Donna said turning away from the desk. She walked over to the couch and sat down and kicked her shoes off.

"This is good, right? That means he'll be sticking around Charming and you guys can spend more time together" Tara said trying to read her friend's mood.

"Yea" Donna said quickly. She glanced down at the ring on her finger, "It's just that life, you know? It's just so hard to be in that life. Dont get me wrong I love Opie with everything I have, but the club...i dont know" Donna said looking back at Tara.

Tara grabbed her friends hand, she knew exactly how she felt. "It's okay, I understand Donna but your life doesn't have to be the typical "club life", it can different" Tara said, trying to cheer her friend up. "You and Opie can be different." Tara hoped it was true because she had seen the club split up many marriages before, she just hoped that wouldn't happen to her friends.

"So when is the big day?" Tara asked, hoping the change of subject would lighten the mood.

"After I graduate in two years" Donna said. Even though she and Tara were the same age, Tara had been pushed up a year in school which put her in Jax's and Opie's graduating class, and Donna a year behind them.

Tara smiled at her, "That's awesome, I'm glad you decided to wait" Tara squeezed her hand and stood up, "You want something to drink, I've got some beer, soda, milk or water"

"Beer" Donna said getting comfortable on the couch. Tara walked over to her refrigerator and pulled two beers out, she opened them over the sink and brought one to Donna.

"Thanks" Donna said kicking back."So you need any help getting situated?" she said indicating the unpacked boxes on the floor.

"Absolutely" Tara said. Tara walked over to the new stereo Gemma had bought her and turned on the nine inch nails CD she had been listening to earlier. The beginning notes of "I wanna fuck you like an animal" started playing. Donna was busy pulling books out of a box and stacking them on the one of Tara's new book shelves. Tara began boobing her head to music as she went back to putting pictures on the wall. She and Donna began to sing along with the lyrics:

y_ou let me violate you_  
_you let me desecrate you_  
_you let me penetrate you_  
_you let me complicate you_

_help me_  
_i broke apart my insides_  
_help me_  
_i've got no soul to sell_  
_help me_  
_the only thing that works for me_  
_help me get away from myself_

Tara picked up her beer bottle and used it as a make shift microphone.

_i want to fuck you like an animal_  
_i want to feel you from the inside_  
_i want to fuck you like an animal_  
_my whole existence is flawed_  
_you get me closer to god_

_You can have my isolation_  
_You can have the hate that it brings_  
_You can have my absence of faith_  
_You can have my everything_

_help me_  
_tear down my reason_  
_help me_  
_it's your sex i can smell_  
_help me_  
_you make me perfect_  
_help me _  
_think of somebody else_

Tara and Donna turned to one another and yelled. "I WANNA FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL! I WANT TO FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE!"

They began dancing with each other, bumping hips and rocking back and forth against one another. Tara closed her eyes and let herself be swept away by the music. Tara tipped her beer back swallowing her beer all in three long gulps. She continued to dance with Donna, and Donna danced with her, they smile at one another caught up in this moment of freedom. They were so distracted that they did not hear the footsteps coming up the stairs, and it wasn't until the song ended that their guests burst into riotous clapping and catcalls. Tara turned away from Donna and came face to face with Jax, Opie and Chibs. Chibs was a full member of the club that had recently transferred from Ireland, and Tara wondered briefly why he was in her room. She frowned a little and he smiled at her slightly.

"Heard all the ruckus outside sweetheart, had to get a good view of the show for meself" he said in his thick scottish brogue. Jax and Opie stood back staring at her and Donna. Jax elbowed Opie in the side.

"We got ourselves some wild women here, Op" Jax said amusement clear in his voice.

"Already knew that my friend", Opie said walking over to Donna he leaned down and kissed her. Jax walked up to Tara and put his hand on her hip and leaned over and kissed her. Chibbs muttered something about the air being thick in there and turned to leave, but not before thanking the girls for the excellent show.

Tara was blushing down to her roots. She moved out of Jax's grasp and walked over to throw her bottle in the trash. The next song on the CD had begun to play and she walked over to turn down the stereo. She walked over to Opie and thumped him on the shoulder. She smiled at him and congratulated him on finally letting Donna catch him. He smiled back at her and said thank you. Donna and Opie went to sit on the couch and Tara went over to the refrigerator to get more beers out.

Jax sat down on one of the stools at the bar overlooking the kitchen. He watched Tara move around the tiny kitchen, imagining what it would be like to watch her like this until they were old. He started imagining what their kids would like, and then stopped himself. He was sitting there daydreaming like some kind of love struck pre-teen kid. He looked back at Tara and realized that he was lovestruck. He sighed and took the beer she held out to him. He loved this uptight, sweet, loving, infuriating girl, and there was nothing he could do to stop it, he just had to accept it. He got up and went over to a box and began unpacking some of her books. He stacked them on the shelf that he and Opie had constructed earlier that day, mentally thanking his mother for finally pulling Tara out of that crazy situation she was in. He finished that box of books and moved onto the next, suddenly determined to get her settled into the loft. This wasnt such a bad place really, when they graduated they could get married and live in the loft while she went to the local community college, and he saved up to buy them a place of their own. He was bolstered by this thought, he knew that Tara wanted to go to one of the bigger universities, but just two nights ago she had said that she would stand by him no matter what, and he took that to mean that she would not be leaving town now. Jax smiled to himself, she was his, and suddenly he had to have her. He turned to Opie and Donna, wondering how to get them out of there without being too rude.

"Hey Op, aren't you on bike detail today?" he asked Opie. Opie frowned because they had the evening off, but one look at Jax's face and he knew what Jax was up to.

"Yea" he said grabbing Donna's hand and standing to leave.

"Hang on Op, let me grab my shoes", Donna said before Opie could drag her out of the room.

Once Donna and Opie were gone, Jax walked over to Tara, coming up behind her and putting his hands on either side of her on the wall in front of her. Tara stopped what she was doing and turned around, she leaned back against the wall and smiled coyly up at Jax. She felt heat spread down her spine and settle in her belly. He really didn't even have to touch her, just one look and she was his.

She leaned forward and kissed him, running her hands down his sides. She kissed his cheek, his neck and then his his collarbone. She lightly nipped on his collarbone, and ran her hands under his shirt. She got down on her knees in front of him and began unbuckling his belt, she then unbuttoned his pants and leaned forward and took his cock into her mouth through his boxers. She exhaled deeply onto his dick, warming him and making him hard. She looked up at him and smiled an evil little smile. He looked down at her and blew her a kiss.

She pulled his boxers down to his ankles and wrapped her hand around the shaft of his cock. She stroked it a few times with her hand and then licked the head of it with the tip of her tongue, she heard him groan and she popped the head of his cock into her mouth and began slowly massaging his balls with her freehand. She closed her eyes and slowly inched her down his shaft. Her head bobbed up and down, and Jax threw his head back fighting for control. He reached down and grabbed Tara by the shoulders, and kissed her harshly, sticking his tongue all the way into her pressed her against the wall unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them down and off her body along with her panties.

"No protection, pull out please Jax", was the last thing she said before she wrapped her legs around Jax's waist and Jax slid his full length into her. Tara groaned, it didn't hurt this time, there was stretching but it felt good, so good. Jax began to pump him cock in and out of her, and she began to kiss him, letting the moment sweep her away. He kept nudging deeper and deeper into her, and Tara felt as though she was building toward something that would make her lose control. He nudge deeper and deeper, telling her to open her eyes, and look at him. He grabbed her ass and pressed her into the wall, pressing deeply into her and Tara felt herself coming undone. She couldn't control her muscles, she felt like she was being raised up and then set back down. Jax pumped into her quickly a few more times, and then suddenly pulled out, spurting his cum against her belly.

Tara slid her legs back to the ground and looked down at the mess Jax had made. He looked at her and said "Sorry" and walked over to her bathroom and wet a washcloth with warm water. He came back over and wiped her belly off. He kissed her soundly on the mouth, chuckling at the dazed expression on her face.

"Wanna go lay down?" he asked and then without her consent he picked her up over his shoulder caveman style and carried her to bed. He sat her on her feet next to the bed, noting that she still had that dazed expression on her face, and pulled back the covers on the bed. He turned to her and pulled her shirt above her head and tossed it in the corner, he did the same with his own and then he gentally nudged her until she was sitting on the bed. She still had that same dazed expression and Jax was beginning to worry when he heard her say in a dreamy voice, "That was better than chocolate ice cream, that was awesome"

He laughed out loud, "Glad I could be of service ma'am" he replied sarcastically and pushed her back against her bed. He walked over to the other side and climbed in grabbing the remote from the bedside table and turning the TV on. He wrapped Tara in his arms and felt her completely relax.

"I love you Tara" he said.

Tara finally came to and looked up at him. "Are you staying with me tonight?" she asked shyly. They had slept together before, but now it was different, now they were Tara and Jax. Couple.

"Looks like", Jax said as he flipped through the TV channels. He finally settled on Comedy Central and Tara relaxed against him, letting herself enjoy the moment.

* * *

Tara and Jax walked down the hallway of Charming High School, hand in hand. Tara had her book bag slung over one shoulder, and Jax had the same. He was also wearing his cut proudly, daring anyone to tell him her could not. They walked into the lunchroom together, still holding hands. Jax spotted Opie and Mark and gave Tara a kiss before walking over to join them. Tara watched him walk across the cafeteria, admiring the stride and the way his body moved. She could feel herself growing warm standing there watching him, so she made her way over to the lunch line. She grabbed a tray and got two of everything, she was about to get ringed up when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and came face to face with David Hale.

"Hey David" Tara said kindly and smiled slightly at him.

David stared down at Tara. His eyes looked concerned. "I heard you and Teller are a thing now" he began, "and that you're living in his house now. This is not a good idea Tara, you wanna end up like all the other croweaters?"

Tara stared at David, honestly she had expected him to say this to her, had even wondered why it took a week for him to approach her.

"I love Jax, David." she said simply. Her calm must have surprised him because he took a half a step back and raised his eyebrows at her. "As for the living with him rumor, yes I am. It's preferable to being raped by my own father. Trust me." With that she paid for her lunch and made her way over to Jax and her friends. Jax looked at her and back at Hale burning a hole in his head with his eyes.

"What was that all about babe" he asked jerking his chin in David's direction.

"Just dealing with the school rumor mill" she said smiling as she handed him a hamburger, and a thing of french fries. "You're gonna have to get your own mustard Teller, love ya, but not enough to deal with that crap" she said. He kissed her and stood up to walk over to the condiments table to put his beloved mustard on his burger. David Hale took his opportunity and walked over to Jax. He pretended to be putting ketchup on his french fries, and then he turned to Jax. "Looks like you've got your hooks deep in Tara," he said snidely (secretly he had a crush on Tara, and he wondered what she saw in trash like Teller and his so called "family") "How does it feel knowing that you have ruined her life" David asked. Before he could think of another snide remark, he briefly saw the large bottle of mustard swinging toward his head.

Tara watched as David walked over to Jax, watched ask David leaned close to Jax to say something to him, and watch the anger flash into Jax's eyes. She was up out of her seat before Jax threw his burger on the ground and making her way across the room when he picked up the bottle of mustard and swung it toward David's head. The minute the bottle made contact with David's head the entire cafeteria erupted into chaos, and Tara had just reached Jax's side when David's friends rushed over to his aid. Mark, Opie and the rest of Jax's crew rushed over to Jax's aid, and Tara grabbed Jax's hand attempting to pull him away from the fight she knew was about to occur. He shook her off and Tara stood back and watch as he began to beat the holy living hell out of David. David's friends tried to push through the crowd to help him but Jax's crew formed a barricade, blocking them from David. Eventually two administrators strong armed their way through the crowd that had formed around Jax and David, one grabbed David and the other grabbed Jax. They immediately began pushing them out of the cafeteria and toward the principles office. Jax winked at Tara and blew a kiss to her as he passed her, Tara smiled at him and blew a kiss back. She was upset that he got into a fight, but she just couldn't resist letting everyone know that he had fought for her.

* * *

Jax got two weeks of detention, and Gemma had to come to the school to speak with the principle about his "unacceptable behavior". Gemma slapped him across the back of his head when she walked by him, going into the principles office.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed.

"You'll get worse than that when it's all over" Gemma said to him, but she had a smirk on her face and Jax took that as a good sign.

Jax was waiting for Tara in her room when she got home from school. He was lounging on her couch, watching MTV and drinking a beer. Tara leaned over and kissed him and he pulled her down on top of him.

"Hey slugger" she said smiling as she looked at his rapidly swelling lip.

"Hey Yourself" he said rubbing a hand down her back. He had missed her while she was at school. He felt like a dick now because even though they could go to school together in the mornings and come home in the afternoons, he would not be able to walk to and from her classes, and he knew that he would miss that. He began kissing her neck, and flipped her under him so that he would have better access. The pager that Clay had given him went off and he sat up and reached in his cut to pull it out.

"I've got to go", he said leaning down to kiss her again.

"What's going on" she asked rolling over and sitting up.

"Clay needs me babe" he said looking over at her. His eyes conveyed how sorry he was that he had to leave.

"Alright", she said and smiled at him. He got up and walked to the entrance of her room. He quickly walked back over and kissed her again, this time lingering a bit.

"I'll be back later" he said and Tara could tell that he did not want to go.

"Go" Tara said, "I've got a shit ton of homework to get done anyway." Jax walked out of the room, and Tara let out a pent up sigh. Is this what her life would become if she stayed in Charming? Watching him fight, barely getting time with him and then watching him walk out of the door? She didn't know, what she DID know is that she needed to get her homework done.


	5. The Crow Flies Straight

**Hey guys, thanks for reading and reviewing. I am having a lot of fun writing this story. :)**

**This chapter is a little long, just a warning.**

**Disclaimer:**

**I dont own any of the Sons of Anarchy characters.**

* * *

1997

Jax sat on Tara's couch watching her get ready for their graduation party at the SAMCRO clubhouse, he was happy to have school over with, now he could focus all of his attention on the sons and Tara. Right now his attention was totally focused on her backside as she bent over to look under the bed for her missing shoe.

They had settled into a routine, Tara had been living in the loft for the last year, and Jax had pretty much been living with her the entire time. There was not a night he could remember that he didn't climb into her bed instead his, even when they were fighting.

She walked over to him, looking frazzled and annoyed. "Get up would ya?" she asked him in an annoyed voice. She got on her knees and looked under the couch and made a triumphant sound in the back of her throat.

"Help me lift the couch Jax, so I can get my shoe" she ordered. He gentally pushed her out of the way, bent over and tipped the edge of the couch up. Tara scooped her shoe up with a smile on her face. Jax rolled his eyes and let the couch fall back into place. He would never understand her fascination with shoes. He didn't need all that crap for her to look sexy, all she had to do was to be naked, he smiled to himself, picturing her naked in nothing but those high heeled, strappy things she was putting on her feet now.

"Wipe that shit eatin' grin off your face Teller", Tara said playfully. She wasn't even looking at him while she said it. She stood up and held her arms out at her sides.

"How do I look?", she asked.

"Perfect" he replied and he meant it.

Tara gave him a big smile and walked over to him slowly. She kissed him on the lips, leaned back and pressed her finger in the dimple on his cheek.

"I love you" she said

"Love you too baby" he said grabbing her hand and kissing her palm. When she would have pulled away he held onto her hand. She turned and gave him a questioning look. He looked down, suddenly unsure. Tara waited patiently for him to begin.

"You know I've always felt that way for you, right?" he asked still staring at his shoes. Tara frowned slightly, wondering where this was going. "And like, it feels like you are apart of me Tara, like if you weren't here I would feel like I wasn't here either." he took another deep breath and Tara noticed that his hands shook slightly. "I love you and..." he got down on his knees in front of her, still holding her hand and finally looking up into her eyes. Tara stood there with a shocked expression on her face.

"Marry me, Tara" he said, she couldn't figure out if he was asking or demanding, and suddenly it didn't matter. Tara stared down at him, her mouth hanging open, she got down on her knees in front of him.

"Yes" she said simply and he hugged her, and kissed her, running his hands all over her body. He could feel himself slipping so he ended the kiss and reached into the inside pocket of his cut. He pulled out a ring. It was a white gold band with an Irish claddaugh craved into the center, a large diamond sat at it's center and was flanked by bright red rubies. Tara recognized the ring as the one Gemma wore everyday until the day she had married Clay. It was the ring John Teller had given her when he asked her to be his wife. It's meaning hit Tara hard and she began to cry.

Fire and ice, tears and blood.

She knew that the inside of the band was craved with the words "My heart is yours". Her hand shook as Jax slid the ring onto her finger. She was so happy she could barely breathe. She reached up and kissed Jax, expressing everything in that kiss that she could not with words. Tara began to smile while kissing him, barely able to contain her happiness, this was her place right here with him.

* * *

Donna ran up to Tara when she and Jax pulled into the parking lot of Teller-Marrow. She waited while Tara backed her bike up and then she ran up to her and grabbed her hand. She basically tugged Tara off her bike, her excitement level was so high.

Tara rolled her eyes, "Who told you, Opie or Gemma?" she asked Donna

"Gemma" Donna said not looking a bit guilty. Donna was holding Tara's hand up and admiring the ring. She whistled low under her breath, "That's Gemma ring, isn't it" she asked Tara.

"No", Jax said coming up behind them. He grabbed Tara around the waist and leaned over and kissed her cheek. "It's Tara's ring now" he said. Donna dropped Tara's hand and raised her eyebrows at this, she winked at Tara and they all turned to walk into the clubhouse where the graduation party was just kicking off.

Opie walked up to them as soon as they got through the door. He kissed Tara on the cheek and told her congratulations, he then leaned back and told her that her valedictorian speech had been great, and he had actually paid attention. Tara smiled in thanks, and Jax grabbed her hand. He held it up for everyone in the clubhouse to see and said loudly,"WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" Everyone jumped up and came over to the couple, smiling and congratulating them loudly. Clay and all the other club members slapped Jax on the back and kissed Tara on the cheek, Gemma came over and kissed them both on the lips. She leaned back from Tara and said "Welcome to the family" Everyone welcomed this marriage with open arms.

Chibs walked over to Tara and kissed her on the cheek, he leaned down and whispered in her ear, "You're good for our Jackie boy" and hugged her. Everyone began backing away from the couple and Clay walked up to stand on the stage. Opie whistled and the room fell quiet.

"Welcome, everyone. Normally I wouldn't stand up here and make a speech when everyone is roaring to get the party started, but I felt tonight is special and different and I have a few things to say. First, I want to congratulate ours boys, and our girl," he said nodding and bowing slightly in Tara's direction, "on graduating high school, and doing so at the top of their class. Especially our girl Tara, who was the valedictorian." Clay paused and looked Tara directly in the eye, " I think I speak for everyone here (_because ALL of SAMCRO had rolled out for the Jax's graduation, nearly 200 of them had crowded in that small auditorium_) when I say that your speech was inspired. When you told everyone to find their place in this world, find their** family **and stick and fight for their place in this there, well damn, I felt as though you were speaking directly everyone in this club. You will one day make a fine queen for Jax." with that he turned from Tara and began addressing the crowd again,"Tara's speech inspired me, we have two young men that have been showing their undying loyalty and dedication to this club, and I think it's time for them to be welcomed as full members. Jax? Opie?" Jax and Opie disentangle themselves from their women and came to stand next to Clay, each a bit shocked that they would be welcomed in this way. "Welcome, brother" Clay said hugging Opie to him, he turned to Jax, "Welcome brother" he said and hugged Jax. The crowd let up a deafening roar.

Tara watched as Clay handed Opie and Jax their new patches. She didn't know what to feel. She felt happy, fulfilled and somehow so sad that she wanted to run from the room to get away from everyone around her. She hadn't been expecting it to happen this quickly, Jax was now a full member, he couldn't get out now. There were so many things they hadn't discussed, and so many things that didn't matter now, he was in for better or worse. Tara felt like crying when she looked down at the ring on her left hand.

Jax walked up to her and grabbed her by the waist spun her around and kissed her soundly on the lips. The music was started back up and everyone began partying, Simple Man started playing. Jax grabbed Tara's hand and pulled her onto the dance floor. He smiled down at her, he was so happy he could barely breathe, the lyrics of the song resonated with him, he danced slowly with Tara savoring the moment.

When Ronnie Van Zant sung about finding a woman, and that being his gold Jax looked down at Tara and leaned over and kissed her long and hard. Tara felt a lump rise to her throat, tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her face in Jax's cut. She couldn't get a read on her emotions, but she did not want to ruin this moment for Jax so she reined them in. She looked up at him and smiled, running her fingers through the hair at the nap of his neck, she tugged him down for a kiss, giving it her all. She looked up at him, telling him she loved him with her eyes. Metallica started to play and everyone on the dance floor started to move quicker. Tara grabbed Jax's hand and dragged him off the dance floor toward the table where Opie and Donna sat with two other club members. Tara didn't recognize the two men. As they approached both men stood up and greeted Jax hugging him hard and calling him brother. Jax introduced the men as Tig and Happy two members from the Tacoma chapter of SAMCRO. Tara took a quick survey of both men, noting their tattoos. She looked at Happy and and he smiled slightly at her then adverted his eyes respectfully; she looked at Tig and noted that he was taking stock of every inch of her body, when she caught his eye he did not look away ashamed but gave her a leering grin. Tara moved a bit closer to Jax and Tig's smile grew. Tara raised an eyebrow and sat down next to Donna looking away from Tig. Tonight was not the night for confrontations.

"Let's play some poker" Donna suggested, Tara could tell she was on her way to being two sheets to the wind.

"The only poker I'm playin' with you two skirts is strip" Tig drawled out lighting up a cigarette. Opie sat a little taller in his chair, but Donna put her hand on his shoulder.

"Afraid of losing to a girl?" Donna said asked quietly. Tara laughed and took a sip of her beer. She knew the game Donna was about to play and she kept quiet and started to get ready to play her part.

"That's right Tiggy", Jax said using the nickname that he knew would annoy Tig, "Afraid of losing to a girl?" Tig shot Jax an annoyed look, little shit had just become a club member and all ready he was talking shit. Tig knew that Gemma and Clay would rain down all sorts of hell on his head if he did anything to their precious golden boy, but that wouldn't stop him from kicking his and these little bitches asses at some poker.

Tig sat forward in his chair falling for Donna's bait. "You're on" he said pulling out a roll of money from his pocket.

* * *

After two hours and at least a three kegs of beer Tara sat with over 3 grand beside her on the poker table. She sat across from Tig, holding no pairs, meaning that she had the weakest possible hand you could pull, while Tig tried to stare her down. She sat there with her cards in her hand, staring back impassively. At first Tig had scared her, but as the game progressed she realized that he was a just a goofy guy with a huge ax to grind, just like all of the other club members. Their staring contest lasted for all of five minutes, most of the people at the party had gathered around the table. Jax had folded sometime around the end of hour one, and he stood behind Tara with his hands on her shoulder. Gemma stood on her left side and Donna stood on her right. Clay stood next to Tig looking across the table at them. Everyone else looked on, the room was tense waiting for her next move.

Tara pushed the entire stack of money to the middle of the table, raising Tig's bet. Tig continued to stare at her, then pushed his entire stack of money to the middle of the table. Tara stared back at him completely composed.

Tig began to sweat. That little girl must have the mother of all hands! Shit, he had to lay his cards on the table, but all he had was two pairs, surely Tara had something better, or else she would've folded by now. She was way too confident, it made him second guess himself. He tried to keep his face straight, but he knew she had a full house! Shit.

Tig folded.

Tara threw down her cards, and a slow evil smile curved her lips. She and Jax moved together to grab all the money from the middle of the table and drag them over to her. Once Tig got a look at her cards he stood up so fast he knocked his chair over. He gave Tara and Jax a deadly look and picked the chair up and threw it across the room. It smashed into the side of the bar and splintered into three pieces. Tig started to say something but Clay's hand on shoulder stopped him. One look from Clay and Tig reined in the torrent of words that were about to leave his mouth. He pushed over another chair and stomped out of the clubhouse. Tara and Jax began to laugh and Gemma leaned over and kissed Tara's cheek.

"I taught you well" was all that she said before she turned and moved away from the table.

Jax and Tara sat at the table and counted the money. $6300! Shit! That was a nice graduation present for them both, and would go a long toward increasing their savings account for their house. Without speaking they each took 500 from the stack, stuffing it into their individual pockets. The rest went into Tara's pocket, she would make the deposit tomorrow. Jax leaned down and kissed Tara soundly on the mouth. He was about to ask her to go up to his dorm room with him when someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was Tig, at first Jax thought Tig had come back for revenge and he moved to block Tara with his body. Tig just smiled at him.

"Clay needs you kid" he said without any trace of anger in his voice. He nodded at Opie, "You too" he said. Tig moved toward Tara, and Gemma appeared out of nowhere, prepared to defend her against Tig if need be. Tara stared at him impassively, she thought Tig might hit her, but she had been hit before and she wasn't afraid.

He put his hand on her shoulder. "Nice game babygirl" he said smiling down at her, "You're gonna teach me how to play like that." he stated and then he left with Jax and Opie in tow.

"Wonder where they are goin?" Donna said as she sat beside Tara.

"Dunno" Tara said trying to blow it off, but she was just as curious as Donna. Tara took the roll of cash out of her pocket and quickly counted out a thousand dollars. She handed it to Donna, with a wink she said "Thanks", but Donna held up a hand.

"Consider it a graduation present, besides I know you and Jax are saving up for a house" Donna said with a smile. Tara gave her a questioning look and tried to stuff the money into Donna's hand again but Donna refused. Tara shrugged and put the money back into her roll, and stuffed it into her pocket. She went over to Gemma to ask her if she could put it in the safe until tomorrow, she didn't want to end up losing it on the dance floor.

* * *

Tara was sitting outside the clubhouse on the picnic tables, staring at Jax's bike and wondering where the hell he and Opie where when she saw a figure stumbling towards her. She focused in on the face and realized it was Jax. He wasn't wearing his shirt and there were two trails of blood on his side and stomach. Tara ran to him, not knowing what the hell was going on. She skidded to a stop in front of him and was surprised to see him smiling down at her.

"What the fuck Jax?" she yelled at him

He just continued to smile. Opie came stumbling out of the same building that Jax had just come from, he was shirtless as well and had blood all over his front. Tara heard Donna scream and watched her run to him. Jax was smiling that idiotic smile again.

"Alright Teller, I want to know what the hell is going on, now." she said, she was confused and getting angry.

Jax turned around and showed her his bandaged back.

"Take it off" he said pride clear in his voice.

Tara slowly peeled off the huge white bandage, and came face to with the SAMCRO reaper. 'Sons of Anarchy and California were tattooed around the reaper. Tara stared at the tattoo, running her hand over it in reverence. She heard Jax's quick intake of breath and snatched her hand away. He turned to face her.

"Does it hurt?" she asked quietly

"Yes" he said smiling at her again. She got it, she felt the same way about his place in SAMCRO as he did. He bent down and kissed her hard on the lips, then grabbed her hand and began dragging her toward the building he had just exited. Tara followed him blindly, noticing that Donna and Opie had disappeared from the parking lot.

Jax stopped in front of the door of the building. He cupped Tara's cheek in his hand.

"I love you" he said, "It's a tradition for the women of the members to get.."

"A crow" she said, remembering the crow tattoo she had caught glimpses of on Gemma's chest.

He smiled, happy she understood. He raised his eyebrows at her, silently asking her consent, she nodded once. Jax pushed the door open. Donna was already in the chair, Leroy (the official club tattoo artist) was bend over her putting what Tara knew was a crow just below her belly button. Tara watched silently, looking for signs of pain on Donna's face. Every now and again Donna would cringe but overall she showed no signs of pain. Tara felt more confident watching Donna. When the tattoo was done Leroy wiped some clear cream over it and then covered it in clear plastic wrap.

All of the Charming members were crowded in the room, and after Donna got up everyone turned to stare at Tara. Tara willingly walked over to the chair, she knew how important this was. This would symbolize her affiliation with the club forever.

Instead of sitting in the chair facing everyone Tara turned and straddled the chair and bent forward slightly, exposing her lower back. She folded her arms on the back of the chair and lowered her face to them. Jax came to stand in front of her, squatting down so that he was eye to eye with her. He kissed her forehead as Leroy began to work on her back. Tara squeezed her eyes shut, the first few marks being the hardest. Jax squeezed her hands, and lowered his forehead to hers, they stayed like that until the tattoo was done. Leroy started to wipe the tattoo and wrap it like he had done Donna's but Tara stopped him with a wave of her hand.

She stood up and walked over to the small bathroom in the corner. She grabbed the dirty hand mirror on the counter and walked back out. Putting her hand behind her back with the mirror she stared at the new tattoo. It was a symbol of her tie to Jax, more than even the ring he had placed on her finger earlier that day. The crow was completely black, standing out starkly against her pale white skin. Blood was oozing from the tattoo, and Tara began to cry.

Blood and tears she thought.

* * *

1998

Tara had the headphones from her discman over her ears, she was listening to Alanis Morrisette and singing along with the song Uninvited while she packed their things. Tara had just finished her final semester at the community college and was transferring her credits to the University of California, San Diego. When she had gotten the letter Jax was less than thrilled, but he knew this was her dream so he agreed to go with her. He had not been attending classes at the community college but he had graduated high school third in his class, so he was pretty certain he could get into UCSD without a problem. He had decided to go nomad until Tara had obtained her undergraduate degree, then she planned to apply to a medical school in Oakland, that way they would be close to Charming, and Jax could transfer back to the mother charter.

They had a plan.

And Jax was about to shatter it. The club had voted, and it had not gone in their favor.

He listened to her sing, watching her quietly from the top of the stairs. She was so beautiful, with one of his old worn SAMCRO t-shirts on, a pair of equally old sweats, and her hair in a ponytail she looked like the most beautiful woman in the world to Jax. He listen to her sweet voice sing along with the song, he loved to hear her sing, like everything else she did it with perfection. The song ended and she continued to pull his things out of the draw and put them in a box, a new song began. She paused a sweet smile playing over her mouth and began to sing.

_I went to your house_  
_ Walked up the stairs_  
_ I opened your door without ringing the bell_  
_ I walked down the hall_  
_ Into your room_  
_ Where I could smell you_

A big smile broke over Tara's face, making her even more beautiful to Jax, as he watched she continued to sing, totally unaware of her audience.

_And I shouldn't be here, without permission_  
_ I shouldn't be here_

_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I danced in your shower_  
_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I laid in your bed_  
_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I stay all afternoon_

_ I took off my clothes_  
_ Put on your robe_  
_ I went through your drawers_  
_ And found your cologne_  
_ Went down to the den_  
_ Found your CD's_  
_ And I played your Joni_  
_ And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon_  
_ I shouldn't stay long_

_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I danced in your shower_  
_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I laid in your bed_  
_ Would you forgive me love_  
_ If I stay all afternoon_

_ I burned your incense_  
_ I ran a bath_  
_ I noticed a letter that sat on your desk_

She picked up a framed picture of Jax and her that sat on their bedside table

_It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"_  
_ And no, it wasn't my writing_  
_ I'd better go soon_  
_ It wasn't my writing_

_ So forgive me love_  
_ If I cry in your shower_  
_ So forgive me love_  
_ For the salt in your bed_  
_ So forgive me love_  
_ If I cry all afternoon _

Jax's head fell into his hands, the last note of Tara's voice ringing in his head. He moved his foot against the floor and her head shot up, she jumped and dropped the picture of them.

Tara turned and saw Jax sitting with his head in his hands. He probably had a headache, he had been suffering from them for the last few weeks. Tara thought he might need glasses, but Jax had brushed her off saying that it was just stress from the club getting to him. Tara walked over to him and rubbed the top of his head, he looked up at her, his eyes troubled.

"What's wrong baby?" she asked

Jax couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat.

"The club voted on me going Nomad" he began. Tara let out the pent up breath she had been holding, she thought perhaps someone had died. "They voted it down, Tara" he said meeting her eyes. Tara stared at him letting it sink in.

"Soooo, this means...you're not leaving Charming" it was a statement not a question. The reality of the situation began to sink in.

"No" he said rubbing his hands against his legs.

"You can just walk away Jax, do something else" she said but she knew she was grasping at straws.

"Tara the club is who I am, they're my family, I can't just walk away from that!" he said as he jumped up and began pacing up and down the room.

Tara watched him, her anger growing. The club, the club! It was always about the club! What about them, what about they wanted?

"What does this mean?" she asked.

He stopped pacing. "It means we stay in Charming for a few more years, try again then, it'll go easier then I mean I've only been a full member for a year Tara" he said hoping to coax her to his way of thinking.

"I'm 18, almost 19 Jax, I want to get through medical school before I hit my 30's, I want to do it while all this stuff is still fresh in my mind" she said turning her back to him.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"So you're going to go anyway?" he asked.

"Jax..." she said not able to meet his eyes.

"NO!" he said holding up his hand. "You made me a promise Tara! You told me you would be there, that you would stick if I wanted to make the club my life! Now you're just going to leave?" he ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't believe this.

"It doesn't mean that I won't BE HERE, Jax, it just means that we'll have to work a bit harder to stay together, that's all" she said she knew she was still grasping but she wanted it all, she wanted to fulfill her dream of becoming a doctor and be with the love of her life. She reached for his arm, but for the first time in her life he shook her off.

"That won't work, you'll be there surrounded by college guys, I'll be here, surrounded by..." he trailed off

"Croweaters" Tara said her voice flat. He couldn't resist those sluts for a few weeks at a time while she pursued her dream?

He met her eyes, "We'd just end up hurting one another Tara"

"You're not even going to try?" she asked as shocked as he was over his answer.

"No"

Tara turned from him again, she could feel the tears forming in her eyes, but she tried to hold on. She would not cry in front of him. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She did not brush him off, she could never push Jax away. He kissed her neck.

"I love you" he whispered. He believed that she really didn't have to leave, they would just have to postpone their plans, push them back a few years.

She didn't reply, she simply turned in his arms and brought his lips down to hers. He backed her up to their bed, eventually pushing her into it. He couldn't tell her with words to stay, just stay with him. To just give him a chance to get things on track until he could figure out a way to make their plans a reality. He showed her with his body, with his hands and mouth and tongue. He loved her in silence, letting her feel him, all of him. He spoke to her with his body, and she said to goodbye to him with hers. They made love all night on and off, never taking their hands off each other.

In the morning Tara picked up her duffel bag and two extra bags, and sat the note and her ring next to Jax on her side of the bed. She couldn't stay in this town, she had to fulfill her dream or she would wind up hating Jax forever. She wanted to kiss him one last time but knew that she could look him in the eye and walk away from him, so she satisfied herself by blowing him a kiss. She turned on her heel and walked quietly down the stairs. She walked over to her bike and began pushing it down the street. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone but she couldn't. When she got to the end of the block she jumped on her bike and revved her motor heading off towards Donna's house, the sun was barely up but if she knew her friend she would just be getting up for school.

Tara knocked on Donna's window and waited within a few seconds Donna was there opening the window for Tara. Tara didn't bother to explain, she simply grabbed Donna and held on finally succumbing to tears. Donna rubbed her back while she wept, finally Tara sat down on Donna's bed. Donna walked over to her window and looked out, she noticed the bags tied to Tara bike and the duffle strapped to her back.

"What's going on Tara?" Donna asked fearing the worse.

"I'm leaving" Tara said

"Where's Jax? Aren't you all leaving together? What the hell happened?" Donna asked confused and scared for her friend.

"He can't and won't leave Charming, the club voted down his going nomad idea, but I have to go Donna, I have to do this for myself you know?, Tara said pleading with her eyes for Donna not to judge her.

"Oh Tara", Donna said and got up to embrace her again.

"I just had to say goodbye to you and give you my address at the dorms", Tara said pressing the piece of paper into Donna's hands, "If you decide to go to UCSD, and you and Opie need a place to crash, let me know, okay?" Tara noticed that Donna was looking away from her.

"I'm not going to college Tara" Donna said quietly

"What, I thought you wanted to study art, you are the best artist I have seen Donna!" Tara exclaimed.

"Tara, I'm pregnant" Donna said.

Tara sat staring at her. She did not know what to say.

She stood up and hugged her friend.

"Are we happy or sad about this?" Tara asked.

"Happy" Donna said with tears in her eyes.

"Then I am happy for you and Opie" Tara said genuinely. She reached into her pocket and handed Donna a handful of wadded up bills. Donna started to shake her head, but Tara interrupted her.

"I won't be here for the wedding, I'm sorry babe. I just can't imagine seeing Jax again so soon. Consider it a wedding present/baby shower gift." Tara said pressing the money into Donna's hand. Donna silently stared down at her hands, she couldn't believe she was losing her best friend.

"Just because I'm away doesn't mean you can't come see me, okay?" Tara said. "Email me often, please dont lose me Donna, I love you, you're the sister I never had." Tara kissed the top of Donna's head and made her way over to the window. She looked back at her friend, and wished that things could be different, then she crawled out of the window and got on her bike.

The wind blew her tears away from her face, so that she could clearly read the sign that read "You are now leaving Charming, California Population 17, 894"

* * *

Tara was trying to focus on studying for her Microbiology exam, but her stomach kept rolling, she ran over to the sink that was in the corner of her dorm room and threw up again. Maybe she was getting the flu, she had been throwing up and filling generally icky for two days straight.

She rinsed her mouth out in the sink, and stood there for a moment trying to catch her breath. Finally she walked back over to her desk. She was thankful that she was able to get a dorm room alone, at least no one would have to witness her and be exposed to her illness. She went back to her Microbiology book finishing up the chapter on non pathogenic viruses.

She had been at UCSD for two and a half months now, she missed Charming more and more everyday, and she couldn't even think of Jax without crying, but she was doing well in all her classes, and she was on the fast track to graduating with honors. Tara took a deep breath and got back to it, hoping the sickness would stay at bay for now.

* * *

She sat in the stall of the community lady's room, her knee moving up and down rapidly. She was biting her nails and staring at the corner of the bathroom stall, it couldn't be, it couldn't be. HOW COULD SHE BE SO STUPID! She grabbed the white piece of plastic off of the top of the toilet paper holder and closed her eyes. She was praying when she opened them, please god no, please god no. She stared at it.

Two pink lines.

Shit.

Tara started to cry, dropping the test on the floor and falling deeper into despair. She grabbed the locket that Jax had given her that hung over her heart for the last three years, wishing he was there with her to make her fill strong.


	6. Full Circle

Disclaimer: I dont own this shit, please dont sue me Kurt Sutter!

Author's note: I just can't stop, just when I think I'll take a day off from writing, all of these ideas come floating into my mind. :)

2009

Tara drove down the winding road that lead into Charming, California, she turned up the music on the radio, letting Tim McGraw's soothing baritone calm her nerves. Her headlights shined on the "Welcome to Charming, California Population 17,874" sign and her heartbeat sped up. Calm down Tara, she told herself. It's not as if flashing lights and sirens would go off the minute she crossed into the city limits. She let out a pent up breath, practicing the breathing techniques that she learned from her yoga instructor.

She had landed the pediatric residency at St. Thomas Community hospital, which was located on the boarder of Charming and Lodi. Tara's grip on the steering wheel tightened as she drove into the town proper. She never thought she would be nervous to come back to the place that had been her home for 18 years, but here she was scared witless. She slowed down as she passed by the Teller-Marrow garage, she thought of pulling in to the parking lot, but at the last minute she changed her mind and continued onto her original destination. As she drove through the town she noticed that little had changed. The library had expanded, and there was a new beauty shop where the bookstore had sat, but other than that everything was same. Tara took comfort in that. Right now she needed steady.

She had left Chicago in a rush, only giving her boss one day of notice. She had spoken with him about the situation with Joshua and he had understood, telling her that if she ever wanted to come back that he would welcome her with open arms.

Joshua Kohn was Tara's ex-boyfriend. Tara had not dated in 8 years when she met Josh. She had thought about it, she had been asked out, a lot, but every time she thought she mind say yes, Jax's face came to the forefront of her mind. She felt like she was cheating on him. She wasn't even sure that she had a heart to give to anyone because she felt as if she had left in Charming with Jax.

She had met Josh when he brought his wounded partner into the Emergency Room. He had been nice to her, talkative, so much so that Tara could just listen to him. He had come back to the hospital every night for a month looking for Tara, bringing her flowers, candy and dinner. Finally she had said yes to him, but now she realized that was the second biggest mistake of her life. He was an agent with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. He was also the catalyst that had sent Tara reeling back to her hometown. He had been beaten Tara, breaking one of fingers and blackening her eye, but Tara could handle that. She could handle moving from place to place to get away from Josh, but he had stepped over the line and now Tara was determined to protect what was hers. The abuse had started slowly, little comments about Tara's intelligence, snide comments here and there about her body. They were always done in a slick, easy way so that Tara was second guessing herself all the time.

One day Tara had come home in the middle of the day and passed out on the couch, she had just spent the last 30 hours at the hospital. Joshua had shaken her awake, looking down at her as if she had done something wrong. Tara had sat up, slightly dazed and still half asleep. He had begun questioning her, where had she been? He had been waiting for her call for two days, and this was how he found her, passed out on the couch without any regard to his feelings. Tara had slowly come awake, staring at Josh like he had lost his mind. She had stood, turning to walk to her room when he had grabbed her arm and slapped her across the face. Tara kicked him out, taking his keys from him. He had apologized starting the flower parade again at the hospital. Tara had gone to the police station to get a restraining order, but they had refused her. She didn't back down, she kept trying for her restraining order until finally a cop with kind eyes had given her the nod on the R.O.

That didn't stop Josh though, oh no it seemed to make him want her MORE. So much so that he broke into her new apartment and attacked her, raping her and beating her to a pulp. That night had been the night that he had crossed the line. She had left her apartment, leaving everything behind except a few essentials. She had moved from place to place around Chicago, hoping that Josh would eventually lose interest.

5 weeks later Tara found out she was pregnant. The week after that she went to get an abortion. When she walked outside of the clinic Joshua was sitting across the street in his silver sedan, watching her. He stared at her hard for a moment and then sped off, leaving Tara standing there in fear.

Tara pulled up in front of her father's house. The lawn was overgrown, weeds were taking over the house. Her father had died 5 years earlier, Tara had come back to Charming briefly for his funeral, but had not stayed at this house. Tara sighed to herself while she surveyed the mess in front of her, she had a lot of work to do.

* * *

Tara's first week back in Charming had been a whirlwind of work, sleep, work, sleep. As soon as she walked through the doors of St. Thomas she had been slammed with patients, she barely had time to think let alone clean out the crap from her father's house. Today was her first day off in four days, and she intended to get some cleaning done, and stock the house with food and supplies. She cleaned the kitchen out first, tying a bandanna around her face, she scoured the kitchen with bleach and water. When she was done it shined. She opened the door of the garage, feeling along the wall for the light switch that she knew would be there. When she got the light on, she sat back and looked at the black car that had been the only baby her father had ever known, that was piled up with crap. Old newspapers, beer bottles, things that Tara was afraid to identify cover the outside of the old black beauty.

Tara went into the house and grabbed two big black garbage bags, she walked out into the garage and got to work.

When she was done cleaning the off the car, she went back into the house and grabbed the keys off the table, she grabbed her purse and her grocery list and headed back into the garage. She lifted the old garage door, and came face to face with Donna. They both screamed, Tara started to slam the garage door back down but was stopped by Opie's hand on the bottom of the door. Donna had a gun aimed directly at her heart. They stared at each other for a moment, both wide eyed. Suddenly the fearful moment passed and they ran to each other hugging each other tightly and speaking to each other rapidly.

"I didnt know you where back-...

"I was gonna come by...-"

"Oh my god!" they both squealed and Opie rolled his eyes at them both. He waited for them to let go of each other before he walked over to Tara, swung her around and lifted her up into a big bear hug, swinging her around in a circle.

Tara hugged him back, "Opie" she said. She had missed him, she had missed them both. She communicated with Donna via e-mail every once in a while but the last 6 years that had been sporadic at best. Opie put Tara back on the ground. He was smiling from ear to ear.

"It's about damned time you got your ass back here Knowles!" he exclaimed. He was smiling from ear to ear, he looked into the garage, searching for Jax. Surely he knew before anyone else that Tara was back, he had to be there.

Tara followed Opie's gaze, wondering what he was looking for. Then it hit her, he was looking for Jax.

"He's not here Opie" she said quietly and then turned back to Donna. She grabbed her old friend's hands.

"How have you been?" she asked her.

"We're hanging in there" she said, her smile slipping a little. Her eyes flicked over to Opie, and he nodded in understanding and walked over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then took off on his bike. Tara noticed that he was not wearing a Sons of Anarchy cut.

She frowned and Donna saw.

"He quit the club after he got out" she said, reading Tara's mind. "Club's the reason he got locked up in the first place" Donna said her voice slightly bitter.

Tara wrapped her arm around Donna's neck and guided her back into the house. She didn't want their reunion marred by bitterness. She had missed her friend and wanted to catch up.

"Sorry the kitchen smells like bleach, didn't have many cleaning supplies and could only use what I could find" Tara said feeling a bit ashamed of her house.

"No worries sweety" Donna said kindly. She smiled at Tara, it was so good to see her, god.

"What brings you back to Charming?" she asked trying not to be nosey but curious all the same.

"It's a long story" Tara said

"Well I've got time, kids are in school. Let's make some coffee and catch up" Donna said. She was curious about Tara but really she just wanted to spend time with a friend.

Tara looked guilty. "Umm actually I was just on my way to the grocery store for some supplies, and then off to Marcus' Diner for breakfast" Tara said. She wanted to invite Donna to go with her, but she wasn't sure if their friendship could just pick up right where it left off. Tara fingered the locket at her neck and Donna's eyes followed the movement. Surely that was not the same locket Jax had given Tara over 13 years ago. She leaned forward slightly and got a better look at it. Yea it was. She looked at her friend, hmmm, that was strange.

"I could tag along," Donna offered hesitantly, "We could catch up"

"Okay" Tara said quickly. Tara was actually pretty excited that Donna wanted to hang out. It made her happy that at least two people in town didn't hate her guts. She knew that everyone would not be as welcoming. "We can take my car" Donna offered and Tara was totally grateful and agreed quickly.

* * *

Tara and Donna had gone grocery shopping together. Tara had gotten everything on her list and then some. When Tara pulled the list out of her purse Donna had shaken her head and said some things never change. They walked around the grocery store getting items and giggling like they were 14 again.

They were currently sitting in Marcus' Diner, they plates empty and cups of steaming coffee in their hands. The conversation between them was easy, like no time had passed at all.

"So", Donna said smiling over at Tara, "spill"

Tara reached up and grabbed her locket rubbing it slightly between her fingers. She smiled at Donna, she was debating what to tell Donna and what to keep to herself. She looked into Donna's eyes, knowing she couldn't keep anything from her friend and began from the beginning.

* * *

Gemma was walking by Marcus' when she glanced in the window, and stopped in her tracks. She blinked. There in front of her, across from Donna sat Tara. They were laughing together as if a day hadn't passed. Gemma felt the old familiar rage begin to boil in her chest. She walked over to the entrance of the cafe and pushed through the door. She walked over to the table where Tara sat.

"Well, well looks like someone is slumming it" Gemma said looking down her nose at Tara.

Tara looked up, her heart jumping to her throat. She looked Gemma directly in the eye and nodded her head.

"Gemma" she said acknowledging her.

"What the hell are you doing back here?" Gemma said harshly not caring that she was drawing looks from the surrounding tables.

Tara's hand reached for her locket, letting the familiar warm smooth surface calm her suddenly frazzled nerves.

"I'm here to take care of some family business Gemma." she said calmly.

"Make sure you make it quick" Gemma said sarcastically.

"It was nice seeing you too Gemma" Tara said turning back to Donna and dismissing the one only woman she had spent the majority of her life admiring.

Gemma wanted to slap the shit out of this little bitch in front of her, but she didn't, she muttered "stupid bitch" under her breath, turned on her four inch heel and walked out of the restaurant.

Donna looked back at Tara. Tara's face remained composed but her hand was working overtime on that locket again. Donna reached across to table and grabbed Tara's free hand. She rubbed the back of it in an effort to calm her friend down.

"That was tough" she said

"Yea" Tara whispered. Looking down at the table. Gemma hated her, she felt like I rejected child.

"She'll get over it" Donna said, "If not she'll get under it" she said with a wink, using one of their old sayings from high school.

Tara laughed lightly.

"So tell me about medical school" Donna said trying to distract Tara.

Tara's hand fell away from the locket. Hmmm, Donna thought, curiouser and curiouser.

"Well, it was fun. Good but tough, so tough. It was like I had to go in there and be this ballbuster everyday. I had to be the best at everything, because I was a woman. You wouldn't believe it but women are still considered a minority in the medical profession today. So it was like this HUGE challenge, and I conquered it." Tara said with a big smile."I was top of my class."

Donna rolled her eyes. "Duh, Tara, I would expect no less from you." she said and then she smiled. "So tell me why you decided to come back here, leave Chicago"

Tara looked away, her hand briefly touched the locket again. Donna watched the movement. "There was a guy, he was really...intense...things got physical. I tried to leave him but he began to stalk me, I think moving over a thousand miles away would put an end to it all." She finished and looked back at Donna with a sad little smile

"Well your safe now" Donna said touching Tara's hand again."Do you have a gun?" she asked.

"Yes, I have my dad's old revolver" Tara said

"Alright, make sure you carry it on you at all times" Donna said. "Now let's get back to your house and get to work on that bad boy" Donna said. Tara smiled at her and left a $20 on the table. They both grabbed their purses and walked out of the restaurant.

* * *

Tara and Donna spent the afternoon in Tara's house cleaning out the rooms. By the time 2:00 pm rolled around they had ten garbage bags filled to bursting. Tara mentioned painting, but said that she would be working for the next three days, Donna gave her the house number and address and told her to call when she was ready to start painting. Tara gave Donna a big long hug, kissed her on the cheek, and said that she would take her up on the offer.

Tara watched Donna pull away from her house and then wandered into the garage. She pulled the keys to the cutlass out of her pocket and attempted to start it. To her surprise it purred to life. Tara backed it up out of the garage and into the driveway. She jumped out of the car leaving it running and went to lock the house down. She drove through town slowly, not wanting to push the car too hard. When she reached the city limits she opened it up, letting the car gallop for the first time in 6 years.

When she pulled back into the driveway of her father's house, she a motorcycle parked in the grass beside the driveway. She pulled in slowly, her palms sweaty and her hands beginning shake. She could feel her breathing increase, and she tried to use her yoga breathing to calm herself down. She would recognize Jax's Harley Dyna anywhere.

She opened the door of the cutlass and got out of the car. She expected him to be sitting on her front step but he was not, she wondered where he could've gone, maybe he was in the back of the house. Tara made her way carefully through the yard. Making sure to keep her eyes on the overgrown grass for snakes. Tara hated snakes, even the so called no poisonous ones scared the beejesus out of her. She eyes were glued to the ground, so she didn't see the person walking toward her until she had run directly into his chest.

Tara flew into an immediate fight or flight reaction, grabbing for her purse and the gun that was inside. She barely heard Jax yelling her name over and over.

"TARA!" he yelled at her shaking her slightly. She looked at him with a dazed expression. She immediately wrapped arms around him, happy that it was him and not Josh.

Jax stood there for a moment in confusion, and then slowly wrapped Tara in his arms. Holding her close was like being washed over with a fresh breeze of air. His heart sped up, and he pulled her closer, wanting to pull her into his skin. Tara held onto Jax, laying her head over his heart. She had this feeling of complete calm settle over her, and she knew she was home. Jax rubbed his hand over her hair, it wasn't as long as it used to be, it now just reached her shoulders, but he liked it.

They pulled back from one another simultaneously, staring into one another's eyes. They released each other at the same time, but still stood close to one another.

"Hey" Jax said.

"Hey" Tara said. She continued to stare at him, trying to find something to say to him.

He stared at her, trying to find something to say to her.

"Opie-

"I was gonna-"

They looked at each other and then laughed. Tara held her hand out and raised her eyebrows indicating that he should go first.

"Opie came by the garage today and told me you were back in town." he began and smiled slightly,"he told me Donna got the drop on you, thinking you were robber or some such shit"

"Yea, the welcome wagon in Charming has changed quite a bit since I left. Now instead of a fruit basket, you just get a soccer mom with a 9mm pointed at your heart" Tara said and they both laughed at that and relaxed a little.

"I just wanted to come by and see if it was true" he said looking at her in eyes. Tara stared back, she couldn't believe how much she missed those eyes. She suddenly had the feeling of wanting to jump into his arms and spill everything to him, but she knew she couldn't, she had to do this right or all would be lost.

"Thanks Jax" she said looking away from him and staring at her feet.

"Welcome home Knowles" he said and touched her shoulder until she looked back at him, with that he turned on his heel and started to walk toward his bike.

Tara ran to catch up with him.

"Can you make time to talk with me sometime in the next week, Jax?" she asked quickly pushing past the lump in her throat. "You and Gemma" she said quietly

He frowned slightly at her, he was about to say no, but she looked so vulnerable standing there, how could he refuse her anything?

"Sure, I'll talk to mom and we'll set up a time" he said, and just because he could he touched her waist, leaned over and kiss her forehead, then turned to leave.

Tara stood there watching him get on his bike, and stood there long after he was gone. She touched the spot he had kissed, it was as if no time had passed at all. Her feelings were exactly the same, if not stronger. She sighed and turned to go into the house, making sure to push a chair against the door after she closed the door.

* * *

Jax was in the garage under a car trying to fix a problem that the prospect had caused when he heard a bike pull up into the parking lot of Teller-Morrow. He slid out from under the car and grabbed a rag for his hands. A dark blue triumph pulled up into the near the opening of the garage and the rider got off. Jax noticed that the rider was shorter than him and a bit of blond hair came out from under their helmet. Jax couldn't see this person's face because they were wearing a full coverage helmet. Jax assumed it was a woman.

Maybe she needed help with her bike. He continued to walk over to the unknown rider, assessing this chicks body. Wasn't his type really, first because he wasn't that into blonds, and second because the closer he got the younger her body looked. Jax stopped at the edge of the garage and the rider close the distance between them. Jax noted that she was limping heavily as she made her way to him. Maybe she had gotten into an accident and needed a bit of help. He called for Chibs, yelling loudly over his shoulder.

She whipped her helmet off and Jax was shocked to see the face of a young boy appear. He looked Jax directly in the eye, and Jax felt as though he has been sucker punched.

"You Jax Teller", the pre-teen kid asked him without pretense. All Jax could do was nod, he knew those eyes, they had haunted his dreams for 11 years.

"I-..." the kid said but he never finished his sentence because he passed out landing squarely on Jax's chest.

Jax caught the kid, slowly lowering him to the ground with both of his hand. When he lifted his left hand away from the kid's back it was covered in blood. Jax went into panic mode. He screamed for help, and five people came running out of the club, his mother came running out of the shop office.

* * *

Tara was asleep in the on-call room when her pager began going off like crazy. She looked down at it and realized it was a pediatric emergency. She quickly slipped on her shoes and ran out of the room running toward the emergency entrance of the hospital.

When she made it to the victim, she noted that one of the nurses was on his chest performing CPR. As she ran up to the gurney she could hear the stats of the patient being yelled out to her.

"White male, approximately 10 years in age, multiple stab wounds to the front and back torso..." the stats continued but Tara didn't hear them anymore. Her heart had stopped in her chest when she got a good look of the face of the patient on the gurney. She began barking out order, going into super doctor mode, not feeling or seeing anyone except the child in front of her.

* * *

Tara walked out of the emergency anxious to get up to the surgical floor so that she could get started on the surgery of her latest patient. A nurse grabbed her arm from behind. Tara turned to stare at her patiently.

"Dr. Knowles, the people that brought the boy in are waiting for an update on his condition," Tara nodded and asked where they were the nurse gave her a frightened look and said the emergency waiting room. Tara wondered at the nurses behavior, but could not spend too much time on it because she had to get up to assist in this surgery. She walked quickly into the waiting room and for the second time in a week walked face first into Jax's chest. He grabbed her arms and steadied her, and suddenly she was surrounded by what she believed to be the entire Charming SAMCRO family.

She looked up and Jax, and he stared back at her impassively, he knows she thought.

She took a deep breath and addressed the room at large.

"He coded, meaning that his heart stopped beating, but we managed to bring him back, we're running tests right now to look for internal bleeding, if we find any we'll have to go in and operate" she said still staring at Jax's chest. She could feel his eyes lasering into her skull. "I'll update everyone as soon as we know something" she said, and with that she turned and fled the room. She could feel the tears rising and she would be damned if she would break down in front of these people. She walk quickly into the hallway, not seeing the look that passed between Gemma and Jax. She was struggling to get a hold on her emotions when the nurse from earlier walked up to her.

"Dr Knowles, did you happen see any identification on the 10 year old that came in a few minutes ago, I'm trying to figure out his name so we can attempt to contact his relatives" No need Tara thought bitterly.

She felt someone approaching her from behind, she didn't need to turn around to confirm that it was Jax, but she did anyway. She looked him directly in the eye when she replied to the nurse's question, "His name is John Jackson Teller."

* * *

Tara looked John's x-rays with the lead pediatric surgeon, they saw some bleeding that would need to be repaired. Tara went to scrub up in the scrub room, pushing everything from her mind and focusing on the the task at hand. Her son's life was in her hands, she brought all of her training to the forefront of her mind before she entered the operating room.

4 hours and two heart stopping moments later, Tara walked out of the operating room triumphant. She still had her surgical scrubs on when she walked down to the emergency room to see if the SAMCRO family was still waiting for news.

They were. Tara let out a tired sigh as she entered the room. She would just give them the fact, she didn't think she could handle any confrontations tonight. She had just spent the last 4 hours fighting for her son's life, she didn't think she could handle much of anything except a bed.

Again, she didn't focus in on anyone in particular in the room. "We had to perform surgery, when we got in he had more damage than we originally thought, but we managed to patch everything up. He isn't out of the woods yet, the next 24 hours will be critical to his survival" Tara spoke like a robot but inside she was crying, crying. She turned to leave the room when she heard Gemma say,"Just a moment Doc!" and then she heard Jax say, "MOM! Leave her alone!" she kept walking trying to block all of them out. She was going to have a break down, she could feel it rising from her chest. She spotted a bathroom at the end of the hallway and nearly ran into it slamming the door behind her as the first sob ripped from her throat. She couldn't breathe and she felt dizzy so she sat on the floor. The package of M&M's that she had gotten from the vending machine rose to the back of her throat, she crawled over to the toilet and threw up, her body dry heaving when she had thrown up all of the contents of her stomach.

She heard the door open and she attempted to say "Someone's in here" but the person pushed through the doorway anyway. It was Jax, he walked over to her and picked her up. He carried her down the hallway and got on an elevator, he got off on the appropriate floor and carried her into the on-call room. He laid her on the bed, and took off her shoes. He sat on the edge of the bed and began rubbing her back. Tara cried her heart out. Her son, her life was in this very hospital suffering and it was all her fault! She thought he would be safe anyway from her. Jax continued to stroke her back, letting her cry. Eventually Tara cried herself out, and became quiet, she felt sleep pulling her down and her eyes growing heavy. She could still feel Jax stroking her back and she fell asleep.


	7. Abel

**Disclaimer: **

**Sometimes I pretend that I am Kurt Sutter, but alas I am not; therefore, I do not own any of his characters. However, John Jackson Teller is mine. :) **

**Author's Note: **

**Thank You for the reviews. You guys are keeping me going. This chapter will run parallel with the first couple of shows, but it is not a word for blow by blow. Enjoy!**

* * *

Tara woke up in the on-call room alone. She sat up slowly, her body completely stiff. She rubbed her neck and for a moment she thought that it had all been a dream. John was safe in Rincon with her cousin, and nothing bad had happened. She glanced down at her scrubs and reality hit her when she saw John's blood on the front of her scrubs. She walked through the door on the side of the room to the locker rooms, all but running to the showers to clean her sons blood off of her body.

As Tara got dressed she suddenly had an urgent need to see John, to hold his hand and talk to him, even if he couldn't talk back. She basically ran to the critical care unit, needing to get to her son. As soon as she rounded the corner she saw Gemma standing at the nurse's station arguing with one of the nurses. Gemma was demanding something but the nurse wouldn't back down. Tara moved closer to them so that she could figure out what was going on.

"Only family and medical personnel are allowed to see the patient", the nurse was saying. Tara had to give it to this young nurse, she showed no outward signs of fear of Gemma, and she maintained eye contact with the older woman the entire time she spoke to her.

"I AM his goddamned family! Just because he didn't come out of my pussy doesn't mean that he isn't my boy too!" Tara's eyebrows raised high at this, Gemma was accepting John into her family without question.

The nurse sighed, "Look lady...-" she began but Tara stepped up to interrupt her before Gemma pulled her gun out and shoot the girl.

"Ummm actually Nurse ...Callahan, I'm the patient's mother", Tara said in her most authoritative voice. The nurse immediately backed down.

"Oh Dr. Knowles, I know, we were just waiting..." she began, and Tara could tell upon closer inspection that the girl looked exhausted and had probably been through the ringer with the SAMCRO clan. She bit back a smile.

"It's okay, I totally understand, but Mrs. Marrow is John's grandmother, and I would appreciate if you allowed all of the Marrow/Teller family in to see him, within limits", Tara said. She shot a look at Gemma, and Gemma shot the same look back at her. Tara was ready to do battle now, and she nodded at Gemma knowing it wouldn't be long before she stepped onto the battle field.

"Yes doctor" the nurse said, and turned away from the pair.

Tara turned to Gemma, "I'm gonna go in and see him first, then I'll come out and get you and whoever else wants to see him," Tara said and without waiting for an answer she turned on her heel and walked into her son's room.

"Bossy bitch", Gemma muttered under her breath, but she turned and went back to the waiting room down the hall.

* * *

Tara had spent the last three years of her life taking care of sick children, she had seen them clinging to life and bursting with energy, but nothing she had ever experienced prepared her for the sight she was greeted with when she walked into her son's room.

He looked like a tiny figure laying there on the bed, he normally vibrant skin was ashen and white, until the point that Tara had trouble distinguishing his limbs from the white bedding. His normally messy golden blond hair looked oddly mute against his pillow. He had several tubes running out of his arms, and mouth. Machines beeped behind him, monitoring his vital signs and aiding his breathing.

Tara inhaled a shaky breath and walked over to her son's beside. She grabbed his hand and brought it to her lips.

"I'm so sorry John, mama is so sorry this is happening to you baby. Please, please be okay" she whispered as tears began to slide out of her eyes.

She turned around and grabbed a chair, pulling it to his beside. She held his hand for a long moment, watching his face. She knew that they had him in a medically induced coma, so that his body could heal with little interference from him, but it still broke her heart to see her baby so still.

She reached into her bag and pulled out his favorite comic book, X-men, (he liked the old school comics) and began to read to him making sure to keep any trace of sadness from her voice, she read the book as if she were acting out a play, making all of the appropriate sounds and noises to make the story come to life.

When she was done reading she held his one hand in both of her hands. She talked to him, about the house and about Charming, and about how much he would love it there. She talked to him about Gemma, telling him that she would love him. He spoke openingly to him about Jax, telling him a story about the first time Jax had been hospitalized.

"At the time, it was scary, but looking back on it, it's actually pretty funny. Jax, Opie, Tommy and I were building a tree house, and Jax decided that it needed a second story. He said it was so that he could have a "private place to think", but I joked with him that he would actually have to be capable of thought before that could happen. He was on his way up the tree when I said that, and in an act of revenge he threw whatever he had in his hand at me. He lost his balance and fell out of the tree. We were all so scared, I'm sure we broke some sort of speed record getting out of that tree." Tara laughed slightly remembering that day, it was clear in her mind, as if it had happened yesterday.

"He looked so broken, like he would never walk again. Opie ran off to find help and Tommy and I stayed with him. I was really scared for him. I tried joking with him to see if I could get a response but he said nothing. When we got him to the hospital we found out that he had a contusion on his brain and a fractured skull, he also broke his arm in two places. He was alright obviously, but at the time I didn't know what was going to happen to him." Tara finished and looked over at her son, his still face and his pale skin.

"So you see my little man, even though we are all scared witless right now, some day we will all look back on this and laugh, because you are going to survive this." her voice grew stronger. "You're a Teller. A survivor since the day you were born."

Tara stared into the corner of the room, everything in her heart hoping that her words were true. She began to hum the nursery rhyme that she had sung to John when he was a baby and in the hospital after one of his many heart surgeries.

_There's a little bird_  
_ Somebody sent down to Earth_  
_ To live on the wind_  
_ Blowing on the wind_  
_ And she sleeps on the wind_  
_ This little bird, somebody sent_

_ Light and fragile_  
_ And feathered sky blue_  
_ Thin and graceful_  
_ The sun shining through_  
_ She flies so high up in the sky_  
_ Way out of reach of human eyes_

Jax walked quietly back into the room, Gemma hot on his heels. He turned and gave her a look, and they both simply stood there and listened as Tara sung to John.

_ Light and fragile_  
_ And feathered sky blue_  
_ Thin and graceful_  
_ The sun shining through_  
_ She flies so high up in the sky_  
_ Way out of reach of human eyes_

_ Light and fragile_  
_ She's feathered sky blue_  
_ Thin and graceful_  
_ The sun shining through_  
_ And the only time that she touches ground_

"You've got a bunch of people that want to see you. I won't let them overwhelm you, but they all will get to see you." she paused knowing in her heart that her son could hear her,"They love you already, but it doesn't mean that you have to love them back, okay? Personally, I think it'll be hard not to fall in love with everyone though, but we'll just take everything a day at a time." She laid his hand carefully back on the sheet, and turned from him.

She was startled to see Gemma and Jax standing in the doorway watching and listening to her. They each wore different expressions, Jax's was sorry and full of emotion, Gemma's was closed off.

Tara sighed as she got up to come over to them, wondering how much they had heard. She walked to the wall next to the door, and looked through John's patient chart. Everything seemed to be well, she made only one note and put the chart back. She turned her attention to the two people still standing in the doorway.

"You can come in" Tara said quietly. She was walking past Jax when he grabbed her arm.

"You still need to have our little talk?" he asked he didn't seem angry, just concerned

"Yes, can you both come back around 6? That's when my next shift ends." she said. She then turned and left the room, once again missing the look that passed between Jax and Gemma.

* * *

Jax hung back as his mother took over the seat Tara had just vacated. He stared at the boy laying so pale and motionless in the hospital bed. He couldn't believe that he had a son, and Jax could not deny that this was his son, he felt as though he were looking at the ghost of Tommy the moment he had seen the boy's face. He just found it sort of ironic, with his pushing Wendy, his ex-wife, away because of the baby she was carrying, and then to have a full grown son dropped into his lap during the same time period. As far as heavenly signs went, this one was about the size of a Las Vegas casino sign.

The minute he had gotten a good look at the boy's eyes he had known. Later after he had settled Tara down in the on call room he had gone back to the shop. Jax didn't need to look at the bike the boy had rode in on to know that it was Tara's old bike. He put the bike away in the shop, putting it in a place that he could be assured that no one would mess with it. He stayed away from the hospital, going for a late night ride on his bike to clear his head. His son. His 10 year old son. Jax rode around the town and the outskirts until he heard his phone ringing. It was Gemma, she was calling to tell him that Tara was up and they had finally been given permission to see John.

John. She had named their son John. John Jackson Teller she had said looking directly into Jax's eyes. He wasn't shocked to get the confirmation from her, because he had already put the pieces of the puzzle together, but he was surprised that she had given his son his last name.

Gemma held the boy's hand, no John's hand, Jax corrected in his own mind. Jax saw her tear up.

"He looks just like Tommy", she whispered and Jax walked over and put his hands on her shoulders. She began to cry, for the child she had lost, and for the child that was in front of her.

Jax looked at his son. "Yea"

They sat like that for a long time, just looking at him, taking it all in. Eventually Jax pulled away from his mother.

"I'm gonna head over to the club, see if Clay needs me." he said leaning over to take his sons hand out of his mother's grasp and kiss his palm. He leaned down and kissed the top of his mother's head.

"Can you do me a favor and go over my house and check on Wendy?" he asked his mother.

She shot him a look that said, do it yourself asshole I'm busy here, but then she backed down and nodded her consent.

Jax walked toward the door, but before he left he shot back over his shoulder, "Be nice Mom, she's been through enough", Gemma frowned at him, but they both knew that he was talking about Tara.

* * *

Tara was just finishing up her rounds and on her way up to go see John when her pager started going crazy again. Another pediatric emergency. Tara took off toward the Emergency Room, feeling an erie sense of dread settle in her spine. She had just been down this exact path the day before, what was waiting for her at the end? she wondered briefly.

She ran into the patient room, and listened as the nurse rattled off the stats.

White female, approximately 28 years of age, 30 weeks gestation, possible drug overdose. When the nurse said the name of the patient, Tara's heart stopped again for the second time in two days. Wendy Teller. THIS was Jax's wife? Tara didn't have time to digest that before she was yelling out orders to the scrambling orderlys and nurses.

They got the IV in the patient's arm, and began giving her oxygen. Tara hoped against hope that she had not been without oxygen for too long. The OBGYN looked at Tara from his perch near the end of the bed.

"We're going to have to do an emergency c-section, baby is in distress." he said looking Tara in the eye. "This baby is at least 10 weeks premature, chances of survival are probably low but I want to get him out of there, and at least give him a fighting chance." He stood up and walked away preparing for surgery. Tara followed him out of the room, walking behind him to prep for surgery to save John's brother's life.

* * *

Tara pulled off her face mask and came out of the operating room. She took a deep breath as she descended down in the elevator to the emergency room, she bent over at the waist and attempted her yoga breathing to get her emotions under control. The baby didn't look good, the doctor wasn't very hopeful and had given him a low survival percentage. They had managed to stabilize him for the surgery that was soon coming. The minute Tara had seen him she had nearly burst into tears, he looked exactly like John, only smaller. Tara hung onto her belief that these children were both Tellers, and at the end of the day Tellers were survivors.

She walked over to Wendy's room. She was unconscious, and Tara walked to the end of her bed and got her chart out. She made a note and then put it back, tucking her hands into her pockets. She stared at the woman, wondering what would possess someone to hurt a baby the way Wendy had hurt that little boy. She looked away from Wendy, staring at the floor, feeling like a fool. She was judging this woman when she had, less than 6 months ago, killed the baby that Joshua had put in her. It was not a baby, she told herself and tried to put it from her mind.

Tara turned at the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching. She walked out of the room to greet Jax and Gemma, hoping to bring their stress levels down a bit. Jax looked through the glass at Wendy, noting her flat stomach he turned questioning eyes to Tara.

"It looks like she overdosed, tox results aren't back but the track marks indicate possible crank use. We've stabilized her, and are medically detoxing her." Tara said looking directly at knew Gemma was leaning in and listening though.

"And the baby?..." he asked trailing off.

"We had to do an emergency c-section. He was 10 weeks premature. He has an aterial septal defect, and a mucosal lacerations at the gastroesophageal junction of his stomach." Tara said rattling off all of the problems that this young boy was facing.

"Speak english Doc", Gemma said taking her annoyance out on Tara.

Tara glanced at Gemma, "A tear in his belly and a rip in his heart" she turned back to Jax, "The gastro is likely an effect of the crank, but the heart i think for sure is ..." she trailed off not knowing how to finish that sentence.

"The family flaw" Gemma said quietly.

"Yes", Tara said thankful for once for Gemma's interruptions, "It's likely genetic. Dr. Named is going to operate on his belly first and if he stabilizes then we will tackle the heart problem." Tara said.

Jax looked at a loss for words. "Will he..." he began not wanting to say the words.

Tara looked at him sympathetically, she knew, having in stood Jax's spot, that the truth was the best thing to give him. " Alone one or the other would be a minor issue to fix, but together, given his early birth..." she trailed off "Dr. Named gives him a 20% chance, and I'm afraid that is being optimistic."

Jax heart fell. He was in danger of losing both of his sons. He looked at Tara, marveling at the way she was handling everything. He watched her turn around to leave, he knew that she would be assisting on his sons surgery.

"Tara" she stopped and faced him again, "You dont have to do this, with everything going on with John..." he trailed off.

"I want to help your son Jax," she said sincerely

He smiled at her.

"His name is Abel" he said quietly

"Abel" Tara repeated, "That's a good name" she said and smiled at him. She watched as her turned to leave, telling Clay and Gemma to follow her, she heard Clay order two men to go with him and watch his back. She felt relief, at least wherever he was going, and whatever he was doing, he would have the backup of his brothers.

* * *

For the second time in two days Tara walked out of the operating room with a sense of triumph. They had repaired the tear in Abel's belly. It had been touch and go for a while, but the little boy had pulled through, and Tara would like to think that she played some role in saving John's little brother.

She went to the locker room and changed into a fresh pair of scrubs, and put on her white lab coat. She went up to check on John. She sat with him for about an hour, reading another comic to him and telling him about Abel. When she was done she left to begin her rounds.

She was walking down the hall toward the nurse's station when she saw Jax walking toward her. He looked up, questioning her with his eyes, and she gave him a huge smile in answer. He opened his arms and she walked into them embracing him, feeling joy for the first time in two days. Jax stroked his hand down her hair, and Tara ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, they pulled back from one another, their lips a breath away from each other, when Tara noticed something out of the corner of her eye.

She looked down at her lab coat and noticed blood on her collar. She looked back at Jax thinking he was injured. He had adverted his face away from her, Tara slowly reached up and unzipped the neck of his cut. There was blood all over his shirt, he continued to look at the wall. She pulled back from him, unbelieving that while she had been spending the night battling for both of his son's lives he had been out taking one.

Tears sprang to her eyes. Nothing had changed, "Clean yourself up Jax" she said in a strangled whisper. He didn't look back at her, simply continued walking on.

Tara went to the laundry and dropped the lab coat into the laundry pile. No one would question blood on a doctor's lab coat. She grabbed a fresh pair of green scrubs and walked to the bathroom she had seen Jax enter. She knocked on the door once, telling him it was Tara, and she heard the lock click. She opened the door and handed him the scrubs, turning on her heel without another word and continuing her rounds.

When she was done she walked to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to check on Abel. She walked into the room and noticed Gemma sitting in the corner. She nodded at her and grabbed Abel's chart, making several notes. She turned to leave without a word to Gemma. She closed the door quietly behind her, and turned to stare through the window at Abel. He was so tiny, but he reminded her so much of John at that age. They were both beautiful boys, tears sprang to her eyes when she thought of her son and his new little brother. She saw Jax walk into the room and walk over to the incubator that held Abel. He looked down at him and tears immediately sprang to his eyes. He looked up at Tara and gave her a genuine smile. He looked so hopeful.

Tara decided right then and there that Abel WOULD survive this, she would everything in her power to see him through.

* * *

Tara spent the night in John's room sleeping in the corner in an uncomfortable chair. She had a nightmare, she saw Joshua hovering over John and Abel, a gun in his hand. She woke with a start, taking in her surroundings. She knew that Joshua had something to do with John's injuries. There's no way her son could've ended up with six stab wounds, without Joshua being involved. That meant that he was on his way, or already in Charming. Tara rubbed a hand over her face. She would need to speak with Jax and Gemma soon, and get prepared. She stood up and stretched. She walked over to the side of her sons bed, and came up short when she found Gemma dosing off in a chair.

She had a comic book in her hand, "Superman", it looked pretty old, she must've gotten it from Jax's old stash. Tara pulled the book from Gemma's hands, gentally shaking Gemma awake. Gemma looked up startled to see Tara hovering over her. She sat up straight in the chair.

She looked at John, briefly brushing his hand with hers. She twisted uncomfortably in her seat.

"After 16 years you would think they would've put more comfortable chairs in these rooms" Gemma said in irritation. She looked up at Tara and saw the shadows under her eyes, "How're you holding up?" she asked her, Tara could tell that it a lot out of Gemma to ask after her, so she answered her honestly.

"Tired, hungry, and scared out of my goddamned mind" Tara said.

Gemma continued to look at her, then nodded her head. "It's never easy to see your child in one of these beds" she said kindly.

"Yea" Tara said. Silence filled the room but neither woman tried to break it, they were both watching John for signs of life. The machines continued to beep, his chest rose and fell.

Tara put her hand on John's leg, saying a silent goodbye to him. Her shift was about to start again. She turned to leave, intending to say her goodbye to Gemma as she walked out of the door.

"Thank You" Gemma said she wasn't looking at Tara, but at John's face.

"For what?" Tara said her hand on the door knob.

"For giving him the Teller name" Gemma said, she turned her head then and looked directly at Tara. Tara had no idea what to say to that, so she just nodded her head and walked out of the door.

* * *

Tara made Abel apart of her rounds again today, she spoke with Dr. Named about his condition, he said he was showing signs of stability, and that they would operate later that night. Tara asked if she could assist on the case again, and Dr. Named asked if she wanted to be the lead on the Teller boy's case. Tara jumped at the opportunity.

Tara walked into the room that housed Abel's incubation chamber, she walked over to him and looked down at him, smiling. "Looks like we're going to be spending a lot of time together little man" she said to him. She checked his chart and exited his room, and went to finish her rounds.

When her shift was over she back to Abel's incubation room to check on him, she then went upstairs to John's room to spend some time with him. When she opened the door she first saw Jax, then Gemma sitting by his bedside. She looked at John, expecting to see his eyes closed and his face pale. Instead she found his eyes open, and his cheeks flushed with color. She rushed to his bedside not too gentally pushing Jax out of the way as she went. She grabbed her sons hand, when he saw her face the anxiousness in his eyes receded, and he relaxed a little. Tara rubbed the back of his hand.

"Hey baby" she said with tears in her eyes. He touched his throat, silently telling her that he could not reply to her.

She kissed the back of his hand. "It's okay baby, the tube was there to help you breathe, but since you are up now it'll be removed shortly." she held his hand tightly, so happy to see his beautiful green eyes. She knew that she had to be honest with her son, it was the only way to find out who had done this to him. "You were stabbed baby, you drove to Teller-Morrow on my bike from Rincon. You passed out in the parking lot because you lost so much blood. Jax helped you, brought you to the hospital." At the mention of Jax's name John's eyes lit up. Tara turned around and motioned for Jax to come forward, moved over slightly to make room for him.

"Hey John" he said tears in his eyes. John smiled, or smiled as much as he could with a tube in his mouth. He looked happy to see Jax, and that surprised Tara. Tara glanced over at Gemma and she could see that Gemma was holding back tears watching John and Jax.

"I have some comics that I'd like to read to you, is that okay John?", Jax asked and John nodded his head. Tara kissed him on the forehead and released his hand, making room for Jax to sit at the bedside. She moved to his other side, checking his all of his vital signs and reflexes while Jax read a Batman comic to him. When she was done she stood back, watching Jax with John. She felt emotional, but somehow happy, so happy. She checked John's chart, making changes to his medication dosage, and entering the vitals she had just taken. She took the chart out to John's nurse, and told her that he was awake. She gave her an update of his stats and told her about the changes to his medication. She then went back to the room and slipped in quietly. John's eyes were closed and Jax was finishing up the comic book. He put the comic in his lap, grabbing John's hand and simply staring at him. Gemma and Jax sat with John for a while, both simply looking at him. When they got up to leave, Tara moved to block their path.

"Can you both meet me at my dad's house tonight? I need to talk to both of you", Tara said. Jax looked at Gemma and Gemma raised up to her full height, looking down her nose at Tara, when Tara didn't flinch Gemma nodded her consent.

* * *

Tara was pacing the floor of her living room when she heard Jax's bike roar up her driveway. She heard Gemma's car pull in next and she steeled herself for what was about to come.

On her way out of the hospital the police had come to question her, asking her if she knew of anyone that would want to hurt John. Tara had said no, even though she knew the most likely culprit. A knock sounded at her door and she hurried over to open it.

Jax walked in first, taking in the messy living room and the stacks of black bags stacked in the corner. Gemma came in next, she paused in the middle of the room and looked around. Her eyes landed on the big black garbage bags in the corner and she turned to Tara.

"You want us to help you get rid of the body's or something?" Gemma asked. As far as jokes went it was pretty off the mark, but Tara appreciated Gemma making an effort to lighten the mood.

"No, nothing as dramatic as that" Tara said, she motioned for them both to sit. When they did she began pacing back and forth again.

"I know who did this to John" she began. Jax started to say something but Tara held up a hand. She wanted to start from the beginning before answering any questions.

"After I graduated from Medical school, I got an internship with Rush University Medical Center. It's one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country, my training there would make my career, and ensure that I could work anywhere I wanted in the US. I met Joshua at the beginning of my third year there, he was nice to me, nice to John. At first." she flashed a look at Jax, he looked angery, she looked at Gemma and she thought she saw a touch of sympathy there, "The verbal abuse began first, little insults to my intelligence, my mothering skills, and then he started picking on John. I was willing to let some things slide, but things started getting out of control when he yelled at John that he was going to ship him off to military school for spilling milk on the floor. I started cutting off contact with him, returning less calls, becoming suddenly busy, hoping that he would take the hint and leave us alone. He didn't. I came home one day from pulling a 30 hour shift and passed out on the couch, when I woke up Joshua was standing over me, yelling at me. I got mad, and he hit me. I kicked him out, broke it off and changed my locks that night. He started getting more aggressive in his approach, sending flowers and candy, stalking me and John on my days off. I went to a local police station to get a restraining order but they wouldn't give me one. I had to go to three different precincts before I got the restraining order I have now." Tara stopped pacing back and forth at both of their questioning looks she said "Joshua Kohn is an agent for ATF." and they both looked taken aback.

"A normal person would've given up at that point, but he didn't. Looking back now I think he took it as a challenge. I moved, without warning and I didn't leave a forwarding address but he found me anyway. He broke into the apartment and beat me up and raped me. He also laid hands on John. Even though I was laying there in a puddle of my own blood I still found the strength to get up and chase him out of the apartment with John's softball bat." Tara couldn't look at Jax so she stared at the wall above his head. "I got pregnant, and I had an abortion", she looked at Gemma, seeing no judgement there she continued, "When I came out of the clinic I saw Joshua sitting in his car across the street, he just stared at me and then peeled out of there, I knew then that he would kill me if I stayed in Chicago." Tara began pacing again, she was coming up to the favor she had to ask them both.

"I knew by coming back here I was taking a chance on him following me, and if he did it would either be me or him. I didn't want John in the crossfire again, so I sent him to live with my cousin that stays outside of San Diego. I thought by doing that I was putting him in a safe place while I got this house ready and waited to see if Joshua would show his face. I had no idea that he would go after John, but he did. He is either here or close by." Tara stopped pacing and faced them both

"The reason why I asked you both here, the main reason why I came back to Charming, was to ask you to take care of John...if anything should happen to me." she could barely get the last words out.

Jax jumped to his feet at that. "Nothing is going to happen to you Tara", he said, he was seething with rage,"We'll let the club take care of this" he said. He was about to turn and walk out of the house when Tara jumped in front of him.

"NO! Goddamnit Jax, I dont want this to fallback on the club or anyone else. Joshua is MY problem. I just needed to make sure the John would be taken care of." Tara said. She looked up into his eyes, pleading with him to understand. "When he finds me, I'll be ready, and I'll be the one to take him out. He hurt my boy, and nobody touches my boy" Tara said her eyes growing hard.

"Tara maybe you should let Clay and the boys handle this" Gemma said. Tara jumped she had nearly forgotten that Gemma was in the room. Tara was shocked that Gemma would ever want her family to jump in and help her. She held up a hand to both of them, she hadn't expected this to be a battle.

"Listen, both of you, this is my problem. I have a plan I will take care of it. I just want to know that John will have you to take care of him and back him up if something should happen to me." Tara said, "Just please promise me that you will take care of him and look after him?" she pleaded with them. Jax cupped her cheek.

"You dont ever have to ask something like that" Jax said. Tara went weak with relief, as long as she knew John would be okay, then she would be okay.

Gemma nodded her consent.

"Do you know how to shoot that gun in your bag?" Gemma asked. Tara looked at her surprised but not surprised that Gemma had gone through her things.

"Sort of" Tara said hesitantly. Gemma nodded her head and Tara turned away. Gemma began to mentally go over her personal gun collection.

"I just wonder how John got your bike, rode up, and all with stab wounds in his back?" Jax said as his hand dropped from Tara's face.

"It's not my bike anymore Jax," Tara said with a sigh, she knew he was going blow her shit for this but she had to be honest with him about John's upba ringing. "I gave it to my cousin when we moved from California. John was staying with her, he must've taken it from her and come here. He knows how to ride, he's been riding dirt bikes for the last few years. Recently I began teaching him how to handle the bigger bikes." Tara said waiting for the explosion to come.

Jax just smiled. "But how did he know where to find me, my name, did you tell him about me?" he asked.

"He knows your name because I told him your name", she said meeting his eyes," but how he knew where you worked, or how to find you I have no idea." Tara was wondering that herself, and although she did not intend to drill her son, she did intend to ask him how the hell he got from San Diego to Charming, and when and where he ran into Joshua.


	8. The Loss of Mind and Body

**Disclaimer: **

**Since Kurt Sutter's brain and my brain are totally different brains. I do not own any of his ideas, most especially Sons of Anarchy. **

**Author's note: **

**You guys are awesome. I am churning the chapters out as fast as I can. This is actually pretty fun. I am enjoying myself.  
**

Joshua Kohn walked into the Charming Police Department totally confident. He barely spared a glance at the officer standing guard at the desk in the lobby, he simply flashed her his badge and kept walking. He was too far above her to bother actually speaking to her. He walked directly to the office with "Chief" on the door. He didn't bother to knock, he simply walked in. There was a young looking officer on the phone, Kohn waited calmly for him to finish his idiotic conversation. The officer hung up the phone, and stood to greet looked at the officer's badge when he stood in greeting, Deputy Chief Hale, hmmm, he could be useful he thought. He extended his hand to the Deputy Chief, plastering a fake smile on his face.

"I'm agent Joshua Kohn with ATF," Kohn said knowing that his title would kill many of the questions in the young deputy's eyes.

"Deputy Chief Hale" David Hale said to the ATF agent.

Joshua looked around the room, taking in the wood panel walls, and the old rickety furniture. Tacky, but most small town police stations were tacky.

"I'm here investigating a firearms case that originated in Chicago", Kohn began while still looking around the room and finally turning back to the deputy chief, " Involving a local biker club here, the Sons of Anarchy." He watched as the deputy's eye lit with understanding. Bingo, Kohn thought this deputy chief had an ax to grind. His smile widened, it would be like taking candy from a put his briefcase on the desk and opened it. He pulled out several of the pictures he had been taking of the club over the last week. Hale picked them up, frowning slightly as he sorted through them. Clay, Jax, Opie, Tig were all photographed standing near giant oil barrels, and shooting guns. He frowned over a picture of Jax alone, Jax wasn't doing anything in this picture except laughing and sitting on his bike. Strange he thought and he sat the pictures back down.

"Well you can use my office" he offered, " If you need anything from my men just let me know" with that he turned on his heel and walked out of the office. He was walking down the hall when he heard a call go over the radio. A young girl girl had been raped and beaten at Funtown, she was being transported to St. Thomas in critical condition. Hale muttered a curse work under his breathe and headed to the front door.

* * *

Tara walked toward Gemma and a woman she had a never seen before, they were waiting for word on Abel and John. Tara walked over to them and smiled down at Gemma, she did not return Tara's smile. Tara sighed, still a battle there.

"The heart surgery went well, Abel is in recovery and after a few hours you will be able to go in and sit with him." she said in her detached doctor's voice. She looked at the lady with Gemma and gave her a small smile, the woman returned Tara's smile tentatively. She looked back to Gemma, "Can I speak with you in private please?" she asked and watched as Gemma handed the woman her bag. Gemma and Tara walk a good distance away from Gemma's friend before Tara turned and said, "Do you have a problem with me taking the lead on Abel's case?."

"You a good doctor?" Gemma asked snidely, even though she knew the answer to that question already, Tara had already saved both of her grandson's lives.

"Yes" Tara hissed. Her job was her pride, she had fought to stand where her two feet were now planted.

"Good" Gemma said raising to her full height and staring down her nose at Tara.

Tara sighed and looked away from Gemma. "We need to squash the past Gemma, I'm not the same girl I was 11 years ago" Tara said, she was really trying hard here.

"I am" Gemma said sarcastically smirking and lifting one eyebrow at Tara.

Tara tried again, there was something else that was eating at her that she needed to address.

"Wendy is up", she said and she watched as Gemma turned her face away from her, "I think she is feeling a bit lonely, and getting depressed. I was wondering if it was possible for you to visit her, just let her know that she is not alone in this." Gemma head snapped around, she narrowed her eyes at Tara.

"Trust me, nothing I have to say to that junkie whore is going to make her feel loved" Gemma said harshly.

"Fine" Tara said, slashing her hand through the air.

Tara had enough! This infuriating woman, ugh! She turned on her heel with the intention of walking away from Gemma when she felt Gemma lift the back of her scrub top, exposing her tattoo. She turned quickly and slapped Gemma's hands away from her back.

"Looks like some things never change" Gemma said still smirking when Tara turned to look at her.

"I leave it there to remind myself that shit is behind me" Tara hissed.

"Not too far behind honey" Gemma said spreading her arms wide, indicating where Tara was standing. Gemma turned on her heel. "Bitch" she muttered under breath walking back to Luane.

Tara stood there for a moment staring after Gemma. Why did she have to do that to her? Why couldn't she just be nice? Tara knew that she had fucked up 11 years ago, she had not only left Jax in the early hours of that spring morning, she had left SAMCRO as well. That was just an insult that Gemma could never get over.

Tara rubbed a hand over her face, she had lied to Gemma, SAMCRO wasn't just apart of her past she had always considered them apart of her family, she just knew that once she made the decision to leave Charming and Jax, that they would no longer consider her apart of theirs.

She needed to check on Abel, so she quickly made her way over to the NICU. As she walked into his room, she could feel her blood pressure going down and her nerves calm. She checked his vitals and reflexes, looking for lasting signs that the drug abuse had effected his central nervous system. Tara was quietly humming John's lullaby to Abel when Jax walked into the room.

He walked over to Tara and she could feel every nerve ending in her body responding to him, screaming to him, reaching for him.

"Hey" he said, "How're the kids today?" he asked looking truly concerned.

"All is quiet on the western front" Tara said a small smile on her lips.

"Good, I've been meaning to ask you. Will the drug abuse have any long lasting effects on him, like on his brain or whatever?," Jax asked as he looked down at Abel.

"We're monitoring him, but so far all signs point to full recovery." she said as she scribbled a few things down on the chart. She looked at Abel again, a small smile playing over her lips. She touched the top of his incubator and Jax knew she was saying a silent goodbye to him. She turned to walk out of the room, and with a last look at his son Jax followed her out. He walked beside her down the hallway, he knew she would be going up to see John next. They walked in compatible silence and got on the elevator together. Jax leaned against the side of the elevator, crossing one leg over the other, and just looked at Tara. She had done it, she had fulfilled her dream and done it as a single mom, he felt pride swell in his chest. He was so damned proud of her, a big smile broke out across his face. Tara looked a bit self conscious.

"What?" she said with a nervous little laugh.

He continued to stare at her for a few seconds before he answered, "It's just good to have you back" he said smiling at her again. She blushed and looked down at her shoes, just then the elevator dinged and they got off.

Tara walked toward the nurse's station and Jax walked into John's room. They had moved him to the recovery floor, and he was sitting up in bed reading one of the comic books Jax had given him. Actually, after Jax had learned that John was just as obsessed with comics as he had been at ten, he had taken his entire collection over to Tara's house. He only brought a few to John, but he didn't need to know that until he was out of the hospital.

"Hey" Jax said.

"Hey" John whispered. Jax was shocked, yesterday John couldn't talk at all, even with the breathing tube out of his throat. He stood up straighter.

"You can talk?" Jax asked keeping his voice low

"Yea" John said "Been talking since I was like one", he looked away from Jax, to stare at the door.

Jax was a little bit taken aback, what the hell? What the had crawled up his ass and died? he wondered.

"I heard you talking to mom yesterday, I wasn't really asleep," John began still not looking at Jax, "So, you're some big bad biker guy right? But youre going to stand by and watch that..that..." John desperately tried to come up with word bad enough to describe Kohn, "shitface asshole kill her?" he said finally locking his eyes with Jax's.

Jax stood there staring at his son, he was shocked at his voice, at his depth of thinking and the fact that the little shit had been pretending to not be able to speak for almost two days.

Jax remembered the conversation, or rather the argument he had with Tara over the Kohn situation yesterday, they had been in John's room speaking in whispers.

"First, Kohn will never touch your mother again" Jax began making sure to not break eye contact with John, "and second I am some big bad biker, so I would suggest you watch your tone with me" John looked down at his hands, his eyes filling with tears. Jax felt like a jerk, pretty much threatening his son, but he had to set some boundaries.

Then John shocked him again.

"I watched while he beat her" John said with sudden tears spilled over his eyes and on to his cheeks,"while he forced her to...I tried to help her but he beat me, I couldn't move...there wasn't anything I could do...-" he couldn't finish.

Jax put his hand on John's slight shoulder, trying to lend his son strength. John began to cry in earnest, re-living the night that Kohn had raped his mother in front of him, while he sat helpless, unable to stop him. Jax sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his son into his arms. He tried to be gentle but held on tight to him, letting him get it out. He couldn't imagine what John must've been through.

"I came to Charming to get you to protect her" John said after a while. Jax had let him go but was still sitting on the edge of the bed, "I knew that you guys were like high school sweethearts, and I mean she had me, so you must have loved her at one time right?" John was trying to think of how his friends in Chicago had described their parents splitting up. They loved each other at one time. John couldn't understand that though, he thought if you loved something you should love it forever. Like, he would never stop loving his Kawasaki KX 450F dirt bike. Then again he would never understand how adults thought, he just hoped he had more sense than most of them when he became one.

John looked Jax in the eye again, "I found one of her old diaries at cousin Melinda's house." he blushed a little remembering some of the things his mom had wrote about his dad, "She talked about Teller-Marrow garage and the Sons of Anarchy. She talked about a lot," he said looking away from Jax. "I googled the garage address and then looked it up on google earth, I could see all the bikes parked in the lot on the pictures, so I knew it was the right place. I map quested the address and got the direction from Rincon to Charming." he finished finally gathering the courage to look back at Jax.

Jax was shocked at John. He was TEN! for crying out loud. He was more technically advanced than Jax would ever be.

"You did all that, on your own?" Jax asked in disbelief.

John bristled, " I'm not some little kid, I'm TEN, almost eleven for crying out loud" he said in annoyance. Jax was a little amused at that, and he stood up from John's bed.

"So?" John asked

"So...what son?" Jax asked in confusion

"Are you going to help my mother or not, can't you just like kill this guy? bury the body in a cement block or something? John asked.

Jax chuckled.

"This isn't the Soprano's John. I'll handle this guy, but it has to be done carefully." Jax said. He was a bit surprised that he was able to talk to a ten year old this way. His kid was definitely way beyond his years, Jax felt his chest swell with pride.

John relaxed against his pillow again. "Okay" he said putting all his trust in Jax. There it is, Jax thought, his easy childlike trust that Jax would keep his word and protect Tara.

"You're going to have to tell your mother what happened John" Jax said with authority and for the first time Jax saw real fear appear in the child's eyes.

"She's going to kill me" he muttered to himself. Jax thought that statement was completely ironic considering Tara had been fighting for his life, and she was winning the battle.

Just then Tara walked through the door. Jax turned to her.

"Speak of the devil" Jax said with a smile in Tara's direction. She frowned slightly and came to a stop at the foot of John's bed. She smiled at her son, grabbing his foot and shaking it slightly.

"How's my favorite patient today?" she asked. John looked at her, and then he looked at Jax. Jax nodded his head slightly and John said "I feel okay mom"

Tara was shocked. His voice sounded fine. It only took her a moment her to realize what was going on.

"So, you could talk as soon as the tube was out couldn't you?" she said and Jax's mouth fell open, how'd she figure it out so fast? he thought.

"So you are obviously avoiding telling me about your little journey from Rincon to Charming by pretending to have a medical condition? she said she was slightly angry, but more relieved that he son didn't have permanent vocal damage.

She crossed her arms over her chest, giving her son her sternest look. "Spill it Teller" she said and Jax was reminded of all the times she had said that to him, in that exact way, he felt sorry for his son. John ducked his golden head.

"John" Jax said drawing John's attention to him. Jax inclined his head toward Tara, ordering his son with his eyes to tell his mother what had happened.

John sighed and looked down at his hands while his parents waited patiently for him to begin.

" So I was pissed.." he began

"Watch your mouth young man" Tara said automatically, more in reflex than because she disapproved of the choice of words.

Jax looked at her, SHE was correcting swearing, from what he remembered Tara cursed like a sailor. She was better at it than most of the guys at the club.

"Okay..." John continued, "I was_ upset_ when you dropped me in Rincon, mom. You just told me that you would be back for me in a few weeks, and I mean mom, do you know how scary that was? After what happened with the son of b.. I mean after what happened with _Kohn,_ it was beyond upsetting that you would leave me that way_."_

"I had to leave you John, I thought you were in less danger there. Apparently, I was wrong." Tara finished bitterly.

"It's not about ME mom, it's about YOU. I am here to protect you!" John said as his eyes filled with tears again. "I know I didn't do a good job of that before, but that was no reason for you to get rid of me." he said he was getting more and more upset.

Tara quickly walked to the side of his bed and grabbed his hand, holding it tight. Her heart was breaking at the thought of her son believing that she had thrown him away.

"John, I did not leave you in Rincon because you did a bad job of protecting me. I left you there for your protection baby." she looked him in the eye, she had to drive this home, she could not have him feeling this way. "I knew that Charming was the first place Kohn would look for me, and Rincon was the last place. I intended to stop him here, so his coming to Rincon would be a moot point." she told him rubbing the back of his hand. John looked at Jax and Jax stared back, they were communicating silently and Tara did not miss it, she made a mental note to ask Jax about it later.

"I'm sorry I was so wrong and he went after you first" Tara said. She kissed John's hand.

"Mom, he didn't find me in Rincon." John said slowly, "He found me in Charming" John said looking at Jax.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning John" Jax said trying to contain his anger.

John sighed, he tried not to look at either of them, he knew his mom would be pissed. "After you left, like I said, I was upset. I just sort of sat around Melinda's apartment, playing games but worried sick. I was bored and I started looking through the closet in the room I was staying in. I found this old box with my name painted on it. It was just a bunch of my old baby stuff, pictures, and some old diaries. I started looking through the diaries, and I found this really old one, from like '96. You talked about da...umm I mean Jax, Gemma, Teller-Marrow, your bike, and the Sons." he looked at his mom then and he blushed slightly, she had written a bunch of icky stuff about his dad. He wished he could burn it from his memory.

"Anyway, I looked Teller-Marrow up online, saw that it was in Charming and decided to come and meet the rest of my family" he said, not telling her the entire truth. Jax stood up a bit straighter, looking at John, John looked back at him stubbornly; he was not going to tell his mom the real reason he came.

"I was just going to hop on the greyhound and come up but I decided to borrow your old bike from Melinda and come up." he eyed his mother again he could that she was less than pleased hearing this.

"I was almost in Charming when I decided to pull over for gas, and umm directions because I was getting lost." he said looking embarrassed. "I had just walked out of the store, when I felt someone push me from behind, I landed hard on the ground and then all of a sudden it felt like someone was punching me in the back only it hurt way worse than any punch I had ever felt. The person flipped me over and started punching me again, and I saw that it was Kohn. I kicked him in the nuts to get him off of me and ran to my bike. I got out of there as fast as I could and drove to Teller-Marrow. The last thing I remember was looking at Jax, and then I woke up in here." he finished.

Tara was totally distraught, Kohn had tried to kill her son without anyone knowing. People would have just assumed that he ran away. She was again thankful that she had such a strong child.

Jax was seething with rage. He wanted Kohn's neck between his hands, he wanted to feel it snap. He had never felt this way before. He had killed for the protection of the club, but he never felt so thirsty for the blood of another human being in his entire life.

* * *

Tara was making her rounds in the hospital when her arm was grabbed from behind. She turned and came face to face with Joshua Kohn. She gasped, she couldn't believe that he was here, in front of her and smiling. He used her momentary shock to steer her into one of the private waiting rooms at the end of the hallway.

Tara pulled her arm from his grasp. His touch made her want to throw up. "What are you doing here Josh?" she asked trying to keep her voice level.

He held his hands up, palms flat and facing her. He plastered that fake smile on his face and shrugged his shoulders. "I just wanted to let you know that I am here in town working on a case." he began lying through his teeth.

"Does that include the rose petals and sick pictures?" she asked him coldly. Tara had been staying at the hospital because John was there and she knew she would be safer there in a public environment. She had left to go home and get a change of clothes, when she came out of the house there had been pink rose petals sprinkled all over the hood of her cutlass. A day later one of the nurses had handed her a manila envelope, assuming that it was test results she tucked it under her arm. She had not opened it until she was in the middle of her rounds. It was a picture of Jax having with some sex with some croweater, Josh had written the time and date on the picture. Tara had felt sick looking at the picture, and almost a little betrayed, but she had put it from her mind. Jax was not hers anymore.

"I just dont want to see you hurt" Josh said reaching out to attempt to grab her hand.

"You need to leave Josh", she knew he wouldn't but she wanted to make him think she was scared, "The restraining order is still in effect..-"

"Technically, my federal jurisdiction takes precendence over your R.O." he watched as Tara made her face fall.

"But I just wanted to let you know that I am here following up on a case that originated out of Chicago. Gun arms. Involving the Sons of Anarchy." he said watching for her reaction, when he got none he stood up to leave.

"I heard about what happened to your son Tara" he said his voice low, "You know how the old saying goes, like father, like son." He turned and left the room, walking down the hall without backward glance.

Tara sat in angry silence, her hands fisted in her lap. She wanted to kill Joshua, right then and there. She wanted to take a knife and jam it into the back of his head. He had hurt her son, again. Tara continued to sit there, trying to master her anger. She couldn't touch Kohn, not yet, and definitely not in such a public place. It was a game to him, she had to make him feel as though she were the same Tara she had been in Chicago. After she felt calmer, she stood up to leave. As she walked out of the door, she saw Gemma walking down the hall toward her. Gemma appeared to be in a rush, she was coming from the direction of Abel's room. She walked up to Tara.

"How're our boys doing?" she asked, for once trying to be nice.

"John is doing beautifully, he'll be released late tomorrow. Abel had a scare last night, but he fought back from it." she said quietly, eyeing Gemma up and down. "He wasn't the only one fighting for his life last night it seems."

Gemma's head snapped around to Tara. "Not sure what you mean" she said, but she was obviously lying.

"Wendy's a lot of things, but suicidal is not one of them" Tara said laying all her cards on the table and watching Gemma's reaction."She coded last night, a drug overdose."

Gemma moved toward the elevator. "And I suppose you think I have something to do with that?"

Tara simply stared at her until the elevator doors opened. They both got on, Gemma pushed the button for John's floor, Tara pushed the button for the one above it. "Not sure" Tara said as soon as the doors slid closed, "Maybe I'll bounce my theories off Jax."

"Is that how you're going to win him back sweety?" Gemma said sarcastically, "By accusing his mother of trying to kill his ex-wife? You're smarter than that." Gemma said smiling her evil little smile.

"My being here isn't about winning Jax back. You know that Gemma." Tara said defensively.

"Sure" Gemma said continuing to smile at Tara.

Tara turned to Gemma, she could feel her anger beginning to rise for the second time that day. "Everything comes back around Gemma, no one is untouchable" Tara said looking Gemma straight in the eye.

Gemma stepped into Tara's space and whispered seductively, "You wanna touch me sweetheart? That make you happy?" Tara ignored her, and Gemma didn't move until the elevator doors slid open on her floor. She stepped out of the elevator and turned to face Tara. Neither said anything to the other, and neither looked away from the other.

* * *

Tara got off on the next floor and walked down the hall to Wendy's room. She wasn't sure why she needed to talk to Jax's wife, she just felt the need to. She walked through the door, the room was dark and the other woman laid in the bed quietly her face turned. When she heard Tara enter she turned to face her.

"I already told the hospital attorney that I wouldn't be filing a suit against the hospital because my O.D last night." Wendy said

"I know" Tara said, "You told them that you had a friend smuggle the vial in here"

"Yes" Wendy said looking away from Tara.

"I think we both know that didn't happen." Tara said once again laying all her cards on the table. "She the one that injected you?"

"I looked at that five mil for an hour and then pumped it into my favorite vein, end of story." Wendy stated simply.

Tara held her hands up in a sign of surrender. Wendy laughed harshly. Tara smiled a little.

"What's so funny?" she said

"The two women that love Jax Teller, sitting on opposite ends of the shit spectrum." she said bitterly finally turning back to look at Tara.

"We aren't so different you and I" Tara said

Wendy laughed. She eyed Tara, so this is what Jax wanted? Uptight, and skinny? Not fun loving and curvy? To Wendy everything about Tara screamed practical. She would never poison her child with drugs, with that thought she began to tear up.

"How's Abel?" she whispered.

"He came through all of his surgeries well, he had a scare last night but we were able to pull him through it." I was able, Tara corrected in her mind. She looked at Wendy and wondered why the woman had yet to ask to see her son. If it were Tara she would be sleeping outside the operating room. In fact, she HAD slept outside the operating room for John.

"I'll take you to see him later, if you are up to it" Tara said.

"Yea, that." Wendy said looking down at her hands.

"There's just one more thing I wanted to speak with you about." Tara began. "I dont know if you have heard, but Jax and I...-"

"Have a son named John" Wendy finished for her. Her friends had been there earlier to spread the gossip.

"Yes, we have a son", Tara said looking directly at Wendy. "I know it's tough, him dropping out of the sky this way, but I would appreciate it if you welcomed him into your home. It would be nice if he could form a relationship with Abel"

"You're gonna have to take that up with Jax," Wendy said crossing her arms, "I'm gonna be in rehab for next six months, not to mention he had already filed for divorce. Besides, you wouldn't want your precious son around some junkie anyway."

"What about Abel? If Abel can be around you, why can't John?" Tara asked, Wendy had pushed the wrong button, opening her mouth about John.

Wendy looked away from Tara.

"Now that your son is here, it won't matter who Abel is around, no one will care about the second son" Wendy said bitterly.

"Jesus Christ Wendy, this is real life, not some trashy primetime drama. Jax loves BOTH his sons. If you stopped feeling sorry for yourself for a moment and actually went to see him interact with Abel, you would see that." Tara turned to leave.

"She'll never let you back in you know" Wendy said quickly. Tara turned to face her.

"What?" Tara asked confused.

"Gemma. She'll never let you back in to the family. She hates you. You might as well take your son and get out of here while you still can, or are still alive for that matter." she said snidely.

Tara walked out of the room, letting the door slam behind her. Stupid junkie whore, she thought to herself. She had walked in that hospital room with actual sympathy for that woman, now she could understand why Gemma would want her gone. She was poison, she would end up poisoning Abel if they let her.

* * *

Jax walked through the front door of his house. He paused and looked around, the place was spotless. He heard some movement down the hall. He walked into what used to be his spare bedroom, and saw his mother bent over putting together a twin bed. The room had been painted dark blue, a crib sat in the corner, the changing table next to it loaded down with supplies. Above crib on the wall were block letters that spelled out ABEL. On the other side of the room sat a small wooden study desk and in the corner sat several Target bags. On the wall above the bed the Gemma was currently assembling JOHN was tagged on the wall in paint. There was a small night stand beside the bed and two book shelves above it. Overall the room looked pretty comfortable, Gemma had done an excellent job on it.

"Mom" Jax said

Gemma looked up quickly. She smiled in greeting.

"Hey baby" she said giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Go grab that mattress and boxspring out of the hall, okay?" she said as she walked over to the bags in the corner.

They worked together to finish putting John's bed together. Gemma sat down on the bed when they were done, pulling a joint out of her front pocket and lighting it up. Jax sat down beside her, taking the joint when she passed it to him. She smiled at him.

"How you holding up?" she asked

"Fine" Jax said and Gemma gave him a skeptical look.

"10 year old stabbed son dropped in your lap, premature crank addicted baby, and the old girlfriend coming into your life within two weeks. Not to mention all of shit going on with the club and you think I'm gonna believe that you are fine?" she laughed at him and took the joint from him. She took a toke off it. Jax laughed at her.

"Tara being here doesn't change anything, and John and Abel are survivors." he said

Gemma rolled her eyes at him. Handing him the joint back.

"Anything between you and her is a bad idea. She nearly destroyed you Jax, she hurt this family" she said looking directly into his eyes. Jax looked away from Gemma.

"I was 19 mom, it was just teenaged bullshit" he said trying to believe that himself.

"Okay" she said not believing him.

"This thing with the ATF agent, you know it can't go down like she wants, right?" she said stubbing the joint out in an ashtray on the nightstand."As much as I hate that bitch, a boy needs his mother. He will kill her if he gets the chance Jax."

"Yea" was all that Jax said, then he began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"John" he said with a far away look in his eye. "Kid has no idea what SAMCRO is all about. He came here to get me to take care of Kohn" suddenly Jax's humor dried up. He stood up and walked over to Abel crib and gripped the side of it.

"He watched that piece of shit rape her" he heard Gemma's quick in take of breath, "Kohn beat him up, and John couldn't do anything, then that sonuvabitch saw him at the old Sunco gas station outside of town and attacked him." he turned back to Gemma. "He's just a kid."

Gemma got up and walked over to him, she hugged him to her. She pulled back from her son and looked him in the eye.

"You just remember son, men take care of business." she said as she released him.

"Yes we do" he replied.

* * *

"DAMNIT TARA, YOU AND JOHN ARE STAYING AT THE CLUBHOUSE AND THAT'S FINAL!" Jax screamed at Tara. They were standing in the waiting room outside of Abel's room.

Tara's hand flew to her hip, "I just want to know for one moment who the hell you think you are talking to?" she said quietly. "I'm not some old lady to be ordered and pushed around Jax. This is my life, John is MY SON, and my say is the final say."

Jax closed the distance between them stepping into Tara's personal space, but she did not back down. "He's my son TOO Tara, or have you forgotten that again already?" he said his voice dangerously low.

"It has never escaped my attention that he is your son Jax. Joshua is my problem, he HURT MY SON, and I will be the one to end him" she said furiously.

Jax dragged a hand through his hair, he took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Tara, Kohn is dangerous. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg. You need the protection of the club. Let me handle this guy, you won't ever have to get your hands dirty."

"John will stay at the clubhouse, I will stay at my house. I'll pretend like John is still with me, make Joshua think that I am letting my guard down" Jax let out a frustrated breath, turning away from her, she touched his arm to keep his attention. "You don't understand the game he is playing Jax. He wants to set things up like he did in Chicago, make me think I am safe, and then he will try to get me. He'll never come after me if I am in a clubhouse full of angry armed bikers. I have to get rid of him." she said.

He could see her point. He didn't like it, but he could see it.

"Okay" he said relenting. She smiled at him, and he looked down at her hand, she had not moved it. He placed his hand over hers, and she looked up at him. He could feel his heartbeat picking up. He reached over with his other hand, cupping her cheek and dragging her forward. She came willingly. He crushed his lips to hers, feeling that piece of the puzzle slide back into place. She returned the kiss, reaching up to pull him down closer to her.

He moved his mouth away from hers and kissed her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead, and then he placed his chin on top of her head. She tucked her face against his chest, feeling his heart beat there. They were facing the glass window that looked into Abel's room. They stayed like that for a long while, just staring at Abel, and wondering what the future would hold.


	9. Pulling and Pushing

**Disclaimer: I'm only doing this for fun. I wish on a star that I was Kurt Sutter, and had half his talent. Alas, I have to settle with my mundane life and taking Kurt's characters and twisting them all around. **

**Author's note:**

**hey guys, thanks for the reviews. Much appreciated. I struggled with this chapter because I couldn't figure out how much I wanted to follow the show. After 24 hours of debate I decided to go with what I know, since you all seem to like it and fit whatever I could from the show that seemed appropriate. **

**For this chapter, all i have to say is that family togetherness is a wonderful thing. **

**Enjoy.**

**Oh and there are probably a ton of errors in this, as it is about 5 am. Roll with it, because I'm half dead and not about to check this thing again. **

Gemma pushed the cracked front door of Jax's house open. She looked around the front yard, not seeing any bikes or cars, she pulled out her .38. She entered the house quietly, trying not to make any noise. She slowly walked down the hallway, stepping carefully so as to make any floor boards creak. She peeked around the door frame of Jax's room, her gun held at the ready in front of her. Seeing nothing in there she moved down the hall toward John and Abel's room. She peeked around the door frame of that room as well, and came to a stop when she saw the room.

"Goddamnit!" she exclaimed walking over to Abel's over turned crib.

She pulled out her cell and called Jax's cell. He picked up on the third ring.

"Yea" he said

"You need to get over to your house now" she said and then hung up.

* * *

Tara finished her rounds early. She was headed toward Abel's room to complete, what had become, their nightly ritual. She stepped into the waiting room outside of Abel's room, and looked at him through the glass. Movement in the corner of the room caught her eye, she moved through the doorway to get a better look at the person sitting in the rocking chair. Rage surged through her body when she saw Joshua sitting in the chair.

"What the hell are you doing in here? These rooms are for family and medical personnel only!" she said harshly. She rushed over to Abel, looking down at him to check if Joshua had done any damage to him. Seeing nothing she looked back at Joshua, he was staring hypnotically at Abel.

She turned to the phone in the corner, intending to call security but Joshua was standing moving closer to Abel. Tara all but ran to put her body between Abel and Joshua. She waited for the impact of his hand, but it did not come.

He turned toward the door, but before he walked through it he turned back to her," Be at Teller-Morrow in an hour if you want to see his future, and maybe yours as well." He turned and walked out of the room.

Tara took a deep breathe and turned to Abel, she checked all of his vital signs and made notes in his chart. She pulled the preschool board book from her pocket and began reading to him, seeking to calm her nerves more than his. She sang to him and talked to him about mundane things. She spent an hour with him. When she was done she checked his vitals again, and quietly left the room. Before she made her trip up to John's room she stopped at the nurses station and reamed Abel's nurse out for allowing a stranger to be in his room. The nurse looked at Tara as if she had lost her mind. She told her that the last visitor to see Abel had been his uncle. Tara was furious with the woman, but relented and gave her cell phone number, ordering her to contact her if Abel's last visitor or any other strangers came up to see him.

She made her way to John's room, she had to get him ready to leave, he was being discharged in four hours.

* * *

Jax walked into his son's bedroom and cursed long and hard under his breath. Someone had taken a knife to John's bed ripping the mattress to shreds. The book shelves were turned over, and the posters were ripped down. Abel's crib lay on it's side, his changing table had been busted to pieces and all of it's contents were strewn across the floor. On the wall "BASTARDS" was written in black magic maker.

His mother stood in the corner, beginning to clean the carnage.

"This was Kohn" Jax said his voice calm and deadly. All of the rage and fury he had been beating back now came to the surface. He had to find Kohn.

"That stupid bitch!" Gemma exclaimed.

Jax turned on her. "How the fuck is this her fault mom?" he yelled at her.

He stormed out of the house, his only thought finding Kohn.

He was just getting on his bike when his phone started ringing, fearing the worse he quickly answered.

"Hello"

"Jax, this is David Hale"the deputy chief said.

"Look I dont have time for this shit now" Jax said. He was about to hang up when he heard Hale say, "Tara spoke with me about checking on a restraining order she had out of Chicago. She wanted to see if it was still active out here. I checked on it and found the name of the person attached to it. It's ..-"

"Kohn" Jax finished impatiently, "Why do you think Tara came back here? For the stimulating environment? This asshole has been after her for almost a year, and law enforcement is doing nothing to protect her."

"Look", David said trying not to be insulted by Jax, but knowing in this case he was right," I need to find this guy and get him out of Charming. My deputy told me that he was headed to town for a haircut, if you see him give me a call and we'll han..."

David did not get a chance to finish his sentence, Jax had heard all he needed to hear. His bike roared to life and he pointed in the direction of Main street, Charming.

* * *

Floyd heard the bike before he saw it, he was facing the window when the rider roared to a stop in front of his shop. He watched as Jax made his way toward the door of shop. When Jax looked him in the eye and inclined his chin, Floyd stepped back allowing him access to his newest pain in the ass client.

Jax stood over Kohn, looking at the man for a moment. This guy pulled Tara in? This thin, pasty white, gray hair weak looking motherfucker?

Kohn opened his eyes and saw Jax above him, he moved to grab his gun but before he could take his next breath Jax picked him up by his collar and slammed him into the mirror. Kohn grabbed a pair a scissors knowing that would be his only defense, but that was the only thing he had time for because Jax was grabbing him by the back of his shirt and pushing him hard. Kohn couldn't gain his footing, or control his body as he slammed through the plate glass window and landed hard on the sidewalk. Before he could breathe Jax was on top of him, punching him over and over. He was losing consciousness, and in an last ditch effort to gain control in the fight, he brought the scissors down hard. He heard the outlaw scream, and he began to punch him again, only hard this time.

Jax punched Kohn until he was pulled off of him by two deputies. They pushed Jax to the ground, slapping cuffs on him, not caring that he had a pair of scissors sticking out of his leg. He heard his rights being read. Jax laughed to himself, he had done what Hale had asked him, he had found Kohn.

* * *

Jax limped through the doorway of the clubhouse. The police had released him, after a quick grilling. He just wanted a beer and seat. He was just getting the ladder when Juice ran up to him. He rode next to the car that transported Kohn to the airport. Kohn had stared up at him and he rode next to his window, hatred pouring from the man's eyes. Jax knew this would not be the last time he saw this man.

"We've got a problem man." Juice said taking in Jax's blood soaked leg.

"What now?" Jax said.

"Been tipped off that ATF is planning a raid on the garage." Juice said

"Shit" Jax got to feet and made his way in the garage. The barrels of "oil" sat off to the side. What the fuck else would happen today? He thought. He ran a hand over his face. Turning ideas around in his head, thinking of ways to eliminate the guns until ATF was out of there. Just then a large septic tank truck pulled into the parking lot. Jax turned a questioning look to Half-Sack. Sack shrugged his shoulders, "Toilets are unbelievable man"

Jax smiled slowly at Sack.

"What?" Sack said, he did not like the look on Jax's face.

"How big are your hands Kip?" Jax asked. He limped over to Sack and grabbed his arm, comparing Sack's hand to his own.

An idea took like in his head.

"Yea" he said.

* * *

Tara finished packing John for his journey to the clubhouse. She told him that he would staying with Jax at the clubhouse while she finished the house. He had given her a stony look, making him appear far too much like Jax.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours to get you out of here? Okay?" she said. She was trying to sound cheery, but she knew something was up with John. She walked over to him and kissed him on the top of the head. He did not reply.

Tara walked out of the room. She did not know what was going on with SAMCRO, but she knew if Joshua was involved that it couldn't be good. She pulled out her phone and called Jax for the fourth time. He wasn't answering his phone, which worried Tara all the more.

She went out of the hospital and got in her car. She drove to Teller-Morrow, slowly at the end of the block when she saw an ATF van sitting on the outside of the entrance of the driveway. She slowly drove by the clubhouse, and saw five SAMCRO members laying face down on the ground. They were all laughing.

Jax was among them.

* * *

Tara was signing John's release papers when she felt a tug low on her coat. Expecting a child, she looked down, then she felt a tap on the other shoulder, she turned quickly and came face to face with a laughing Jax. He kissed her on the cheek. She blushed. He gave her a cocky grin.

"How're the boys today?" he asked still grinning.

"Abel is holding his own. John is about to be released in five minutes." she said as she signed her name on the last paper.

Jax looked down at her. "Could I do that?," he asked.

"Do what? she asked.

He pointed toward John's release papers. It took Tara a moment to understand what he meant.

"Oh, ummm" she said looking down. "Your name is on his birth certificate, but I dont think you have any legal rights to him because you never signed it." she said still not able to meet his eyes.

He grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him. "We'll get that taken care of soon." he said without any anger. She smiled at him.

"Let's go get our boy" he said happily, and they walked toward John's room side by side.

* * *

It was late afternoon when Tara and John pulled into the Teller-Marrow parking lot. Jax pulled in beside them, backing his bike besides the other motorcycles. Tara looked over at John, he was quietly taking in his surroundings. He had spent most of the afternoon in quiet contemplative silence. Tara touched his hand. He looked over at her and gave her a small smile.

Jax walked up to the car as Tara got out, she handed him the keys and he went to open the trunk of the cutlass and pull John's bag out. He looked over at the passage side of the car, John had his door open and was struggling to get out, Tara started to walk over and help him but Jax put a staying hand on her arm. She looked up at him questioningly.

Jax gave her a look that said, let him do it on his own. Tara watched her son for a moment, and then backed down. She went to stand close to the door, in case John lost his balance. He held on to the side of the cutlass for support, but at the end of the hood of the cutlass he stood up on his own and walked forward with obvious effort.

Tara walk behind John but close enough to her son to catch him if he fell. Jax walked behind both of them. When they reached the door of the clubhouse Tara walked around John and opened the door for him. He stopped in the doorway, catching his breath. He walked the rest of the way in the clubhouse by himself, plopping down at one of the table's with a look of triumph and relief on his face.

Jax shot Tara a look that said, I told you, and continued on to the dorm room that would be John's while he stayed there.

Most of the Charming SAMCRO family was there to greet John. They came over to the table after he plopped down. Gemma walked over to him and bent down to give him a hug. She introduced him to everyone. John looked at Clay and said, "So you are, like, my grandpa right?"

"Sure kid" Clay replied.

"So can I call you granddaddy?" John asked

Clay contemplated this. He liked that John asked him first. He smiled at the kid.

"Sure kid, kind of makes me feel distinguished." he said smiling at John.

Gemma pulled up a chair next to John. He smiled at her. He liked his grandmother, she always answered his questions, never sugar coated anything for him.

"You hungry baby?" she asked him.

"Yea a little," he said and then his stomach growled. Everyone laughed. Gemma nodded at two women and they got up and walked toward the kitchen. "We're gonna have some fried chicken, potatoes and veggies, that okay with you John?" she asked him .

John nodded.

Everyone gradually drifted away from him, leaving John alone with Tara and Gemma.

They were talking about redoing the bathroom in Tara's house (which was boring John to tears) when an idea occurred to John.

"Hey mom", he said interrupting.

"Yea baby" she said thinking he must be in pain.

"You know where the Triumph is?" he asked quickly.

"Umm no, baby I have no idea where it would be, why?" she asked

"Well my laptop was in the saddle bag, not to mention some of my clothes and comics." he said excitedly

"It's in the garage" Jax said from behind them having come up on the last of the conversation. "I'll have Sack pulled it out in the lot. You wanna come with?" Jax asked sensing his sons need to get away from the estrogen for a while.

"Yea" John rose to his feet, a bit more stable than before but still shaky. He walked slowly behind Jax, trying not to push his muscles too hard.

Jax held the door leading outside open for John and hovered without appearing to while his son slowly walked out of it. He knew the importance of feeling capable, and he knew that John needed to feel like he could at least walk by himself.

Sack pushed Tara's bike over to them, smiling as he did so. John walked toward the bike, Jax could see the happiness on his face. Kid must really love his computer, Jax thought, then he noticed that John was staring at the bike rather than the saddle bags. Jax felt pride swell in his chest again.

John had just reached the bike when the guy that was pushing it threw his leg over it and sat down. He smiled at Jax, throwing his arms out at his sides. John saw red.

"I just love these old Tri..-" Sack did not get a chance to finish his sentence because John had come up and pushed him off of the bike with unexpectant strength. Sack stared up at the kid in disbelief.

"Don't ever sit on my moms bike" John said in a low voice.

Tara came out of the clubhouse behind Jax. She intended to send John up to bed, he needed his rest, he had just come from the hospital for crying out loud. She just made it around Jax's shoulder when she saw John push a guy off of her bike. She started to run forward, but Jax grabbed her arm.

Sack jumped to his feet, automatically going into defensive mode and throwing a light punch at the kid in front of him. He was shocked again when the kid dodged his punch and caught him with a right upper cut to his jaw. Sack fell back on his ass, rubbing his jaw. He got to his feet again and the kid advanced at him again.

Tara pulled free of Jax's hold.

"ENOUGH" she bellowed and John stopped and turned to her. He was breathing hard, his adrenaline pumping hard. He saw his mother walking toward him and then he saw nothing at all.

Tara ran the rest of the way to John, Jax fast on her heels. Everyone else formed a semi circle around her, John and Jax. Tara checked his vital signs ordering Jax to get her medical bag out of the car. She should've forced him into bed as soon as they hit the door, with all that movement he must've torn his stitches. She lifted his shirt to check all his wound marks. She heard the people around her give an audible intake of breath. She looked up at the faces that hovered over her. Most were shocked, some were angry.

She took her bag from Jax and grabbed her stethoscope out of it. She listened to John's heart for a moment, taking comfort in it's steady rhythm. Jax was standing over her looking at her expectantly.

"Move him up to his room" she said and Jax stooped down and picked his son up and carried him to his room.

* * *

Tara tucked her son in. She sat at the end of his bed watching him and Jax sat next to her. She watched his breathing for an hour before she got up and walked back into the clubhouse.

Everyone was gone when they came back down. Only Piney stood behind a bar, staring at the television in the corner and drinking a beer.

Tara turned to Jax.

"Listen, I know you want him to revel in his boyness, and into fights and break bones, and ride bikes and all that crap," she began trying to control her voice, " but he is recovering from six stab wounds, and he is only 10 Jax!" she was letting her protectiveness get the better of her but she didn't care.

"He had to do that Tara. You have to let him become a man, he can't just let people disrespect what is his" Jax said patiently. He watched as she began to pace.

"He needs to recover first, his body can only take so much" she said not giving in.

"Who do you think he is Tara?" Jax asked, his anger beginning to rise, "He is Jax Teller's son. In Chicago that may not mean much, but here in this clubhouse, and in this town it means something." Jax said

Tara stopped and watched him.

"If he would have let Sack, who should've known better than to sit on another man's bike, do what he did without defending himself he would have lost footing." Jax said."I know you're scared for him, hell I nearly shit myself when he passed out, but I am damned proud that he even had the instinct and skill to take care of business" Jax touched her shoulder, " You did a good job with him Tara"

" Jesus Christ Jax this isn't a pissing contest, this is his LIFE" she all but yelled at him.

"DONT YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? DONT YOU THINK I'VE BEEN IN HIS SHOES, TARA?", he took a deep breath, trying and failing to calm his nerves. "You're right, it is his life, and if he is going to have a life, any kind of life, here in THIS family in THIS town, you have to let him have these "pissing contest."

"I dont want my son to become some thug" she said harshly

"Why not? His father is." Jax said bitterly.

Tara shook her head at him. She was frustrated beyond belief. "I can't deal with this shit right now. I have to get to the hospital, my shift starts in a half an hour." she looked at Jax, did he really believe that is how she saw him?

"That's not how I see you Jax." she said quietly and he turned to her, "I think you're a good man, who stands up for what he believes in" she said as he walk toward her.

"Tara..." he said as he wrapped her in his arms. He felt her lay her heart over his heart again and sighed. That was her spot, no woman could ever do that as well as she could. He realized right then that the feelings he had for her 11 years ago had not dwindled.

They had grown.

"I've got to go" she mumbled into his chest. She ran her hands over his cut, tracing her finger around the "V. President" badge there. How would it be between them she wondered. He released her, she stepped back from him.

"Can you just keep an eye on him?" She handed him her stethoscope, she put it on him and held it to her heart. "Can you hear my heartbeat?" she asked quietly, he nodded, she dropped her hand away from her chest. "Okay, I think he's fine, and just resting, but try to check on him as often as possible. When you do check his heartbeat with this, if it sounds irregular or his breathing seems too fast or too slow, bring him to the emergency room."

She turned away from him, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him.

He gave her a slow smile. "You know, you're so sexy when you go all doctor." he said and watched as she blushed down to the roots of her hair. She laughed and slapped his arm.

"You're so full of it Jackson" she said letting his full name roll off her tongue.

"Whatever you say darlin'", he said with a wink and a grin.

* * *

On John's third night at the clubhouse he broke strict orders from his mother and walked outside his room. He walked down the long hallway, stopping a the power blue bike display at the end of the hallway. He touched it, ran his hands over the gas tank. He read the plaque that sat on top of it.

John Thomas Teller.

This must be his grandfather's bike. His grandma had told him about Big John Teller on one of her many visits to his room. John stood there staring at the fat boy, trying to imagine it in motion.

"John loved that bike", Gemma said quietly from the doorway.

John turned toward her. "It's weird to hear his name, I always think for a minute that people are talking about me" John said.

"Well mostly people called him Big John, so if anyone is talkin' about him they'll probably use that name" Gemma said.

"What was he like?" John asked

"Smart, creative, wild," Gemma said, slipping into the past a bit, "a real thinker, visionary."

"Do you have any pictures of him?" he asked.

Gemma turned from John and walked down the hall. She stopped in front of a small door and opened it. She pulled out two large, dusty photo albums. She nodded her head toward the bar area and John followed her.

Gemma sat at one of the tables and flipped open the dusty book. John sat down next to her. He saw a picture of a younger version of his grandmother, standing next to a tall black haired main. The man was wearing a cut similar to the one he had seen his dad wear. John looked closer at the picture, and noticed a president patch on his grandfather's cut.

"He was the president?" John said in awe.

"He founded this club, along with Piney, the old with the oxygen tank you'll see around." she said with pride. She flipped the album to another page again with a picture of a younger version of her, this time holding a laughing baby.

"That's your dad" she said pointing to the baby.

John smiled and Gemma slid the album closer to him, watching as he flipped through the pages, occasionally asking a question about the people in the pictures.

"You hungry baby?" Gemma asked.

John nodded his head.

"What do you want to eat?" she asked.

"A burger and some fries, if that's possible, if not whatever you have." he said.

"Let me see what I can rustle up" she said waving Half-Sack over to saw her and quickly walked over.

"Prospect, run out to Marcus Diner and get me and my little man some burgers and some fries" she order.

"Sure" he said. He looked nervously at John. "What do you want on your burger?" he asked him.

John told him and Half-Sack lingered staring at John. John looked up at him.

"I'm sorry I sat on your bike man. I seriously didn't realize what I was doing at the time and didn't mean you any disrespect." he said.

John inclined his chin at Half-Sack, "S'okay" he said and went back to his photo album, effectively dismissing the prospect.

Gemma watched this with a smile on her face. As much as Gemma hated to admit it, Tara had done a fine job of raising John. He seemed to understand some of the rules of club life without having to be told.

* * *

John was sitting at the picnic table outside the clubhouse playing "Death Con" on his laptop. He sweet talked his grandmother into letting him spend some time outside after everyone left. It was actually a nice evening, cool but not exactly cold. John was happy to be out in the fresh air. He felt better and stronger now, but knew that his time outside would be short lived when his mom came by to check on him later.

John wasn't sure what happened with the Kohn situation. He overheard his mother and father talking about outside his door the night before last. His dad told his mom that the restraining order still had pull in Charming, so Kohn had been escorted to the airport and told never to set foot there again. His mom didn't trust it, stating that until he was dead, he would always come back for her. John agreed, he wanted Kohn to die. His dad said he could stay in the clubhouse as long as she wanted. His parents confused him.

He saw them holding each other, and even kissing once. John tried to remember but he couldn't come up with a time he had seen his mother so happy. His friend's divorced parents never kissed each other, and besides it was grossing him out to walk in on it.

Living in the clubhouse was interesting, sometimes at night John heard banging on the walls, and women moaning. The women that hung around the clubhouse scared him. They all had too much make-up and too little clothes. After staring at them for the first day, he mostly ignored them, preferring the company of his video games and his online friends from Chicago.

He had his Ipod plugged into his ears, and he was so deep into his video game that he didn't realize the guy they called Juice was standing over him talking to him until he had an eerie feeling someone was watching him.

He pulled his ear buds out. "Sorry man, I couldn't hear anything you said." he told Juice.

Juice smiled at him. "It's alright little man, I was just wondering what kind of hardware you are pumping in there." he said pointing to John's laptop.

"Umm...I'm rockin' a 3.33GHz Intel Core i7-980X extreme with 12GB RAM, and Dual 80GB solid-state drives" John said while still playing him game, he was actually winning.

"Sweet, I've got one similar to yours, and then a 2.53GHz intel core 2 extreme quad QX9300 with 8GB RAM and two 500GB drives", Juice said peering at the screen of the laptop, "What are you playin'? he asked.

"Death Con" John said, wishing Juice would go away now. Juice watched John play for a while, then all of sudden Juice jumped up pointing at the screen. "Omg, omg, omg!" he yelled.

John's avatar was killed, and he turned annoyed eyes on Juice. "What?" he said

"You're Chicagokilla07!" he exclaimed.

"Yea, I'm aware" John said sarcastically.

Juice pointed to himself, a big goofy grin on his face. " I'm Juicemancometh!" he yelled.

John stared at this huge biker, with his mohawk, and tattoos and wondered how this could possibly be Juicemancometh. John could've sworn that Juicemancometh was only around 7 or 8 years old.

"That's real cool man" John said. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"Yea" Juice said scratching his head, a bit embarrassed by his behavior. "It's cool that you're here. Now we can play together, hook our computers up and challenge other groups."

"Yea", John said with a little bit more enthusiasm. "That'd be cool Juice." he smiled at Juice deciding that he liked him.

"What kind of music do you like?" John asked him.

"Mostly 90's stuff, old school. I listen to some hip-hop and r&b but mostly I'm into rock." Juice said

"Screamo?" John asked scrolling through his Ipod.

"Yea I can get down with some screamo" Juice said. He watched as John pull a cord out of his hoodie pocket and hooked it up to his computer. A few seconds later music started pouring out the laptop.

Juice bobbed his head along with the music," Those are some good speakers man, where'd you get that set up?"

"I built this computer myself," John said. Juice's eyebrows hit his non-existent hair line.

"Shit man! That's awesome. I'm gonna go get my laptop and show you my set up." Juice said and then he was gone.

John let the music play, and reached back into his hoodie pocket and pulled out the book he had found behind the bar earlier.

"The Prince" by Machiavelli. John was really getting into this book. It was so interesting to him, he thought Machiavelli made sense. Sometimes, in some instances the means did justify the end.

The song on his Ipod changed to "God's gonna bring you down" and John began to hum along with the music. He loved Johnny Cash, had grown listening to him almost everyday.

He looked up and a woman he had never seen before was looking at him. He smiled at her, and she walked over to him. She had two kids with her, a boy and a girl. John looked at each of them and smiled. The boy smiled back, looking curiously at John's computer, the girl blushed and looked away.

"Hey, I'm John" he said.

"Hey John, I'm Donna Winston. Would you happen to know my husband Opie?" she asked.

John frowned trying to place the name with a face, suddenly he remembered. "Big guy" he said looking Donna in the eye, "scruffy beard, always wears a beanie?"

She nodded.

"He's in the third garage working on a car with my dad." he said. The woman frowned at him.

"Have I met you before John?" she asked.

"Umm, no, you probably know my dad though, Jax Teller? Everyone keeps saying I look like him and his little brother. Except I have...-"

"Your mother's eyes." she said as realization dawned.

"Yea!" John exclaimed, "I dont see it though"

"I do" Donna said marveling at the little boy in front of her.

"Do you know my mother?" John asked

"Yup, I grew up with her and your dad." Donna said.

"Oh okay, that's cool"

Donna glanced toward the garages, knowing that a fight was sure to come of her being there.

"Hey John, you mind if Kenny and Ellie hang out with you for a few minutes?" she asked

"Nah, that's cool" John said.

Kenny moved closer to John, fascinated by his computer. Ellie sat down opposite John, trying to avoid eye contact with him.

"Be good kids" Donna said before she turned and walked toward the garage.

"You guys like Johnny Cash?" John asked them. Kenny shrugged, still fascinated with John's computer. Ellie ignored him and continued to stare at the ground.

"Oookay" John said as ring of fire began to play again. He looked at Ellie, "What do people do for fun around here?" he asked her, and she shrugged her shoulders, not looking at him.

Shit. These two were about as fun as wet wood. He picked up his Ipod and started scrolling through his music, hoping that Juice would come back out soon.

"Is that the new Ipod touch? Kenny asked.

"Yea" John said smiling at him.

"Your computer is nice man. We have an old dinosaur at home, just a desktop, and mom only let's us use it for homework." Kenny said still eyeing John's Ipod.

"Kenny! Mom got us the best thing she could get, quit complaining" Ellie finally said.

So, John thought, she does have a voice. He smiled at her and she blushed again. Girl were so weird.

"You guys want to watch Youtube videos together? John asked My friend sent me this hilarious one today"

"Sure" Ellie said. John moved over to make room for her on their side of the bench, and she got up slowly and went to sit next to him.

That's how Tara found them. John sitting flanked by Ellie and Kenny. She smiled, happy that her son was making friends. She got out of the car and walked over toward them.

"Hey kids" she said

"Hi Ms. Tara." Kenny and Ellie said in unison.

"Hey mom" John said.

Just then Donna came storming from the garage. She came up short when she saw Tara.

"Hey Donna" Tara said.

"Hey" Donna said, barely able to keep her tears at bay.

"Can I talk to you?" Tara asked

"Yea" Donna said following Tara into the clubhouse. They walked through the door and Tara immediately turned to give her friend a hug, she let Donna cry it out.

"Things with Opie are going bad huh?" Tara asked.

Donna nodded, still holding on to Tara.

"I'm leaving Opie, Tara" Donna whispered.

"Oh Donna..." Tara said, her heart breaking for her friend.

"I just can't take this shit, you know? He won't leave the club, he broke his promise to me. I don't have any other choice" she said.

"Donna, Opie loves you and the kids" Tara said quietly

"I know but it isn't enough, Tara", Donna said. "I wish I had left with you, gone to college. I've always followed behind Opie, because I love him and I wanted to be with him."

Tara stroked Donna's hair, letting her friend get it all out.

"And then he got locked up, and I was on my own. Only I didn't know who I was, and I was figuring it out without the club and he came back." she said quietly.

"I just can't take it anymore, I have to go" she finished

"I understand Donna, trust me." Tara said. Donna moved away from Tara, looking around the room.

"If you come back to this life Tara, it's gonna drag you down and kill you" Donna said.

"Any life will drag you down and kill you if you let it Donna, at least in this life, you have a family", Tara said defensively

"Yea" she replied sarcastically.

Donna turned to leave. Tara grabbed her arm.

"I love you Donna. You're my sister, and I dont want to see you hurt. If leaving Opie is what you have to do to get right in your own mind, then do it, I'm behind you." Tara said, "but dont do it because you are mad at the club." She reached into her pocket and handed Donna a stack of bills. Donna tried to refuse it but Tara stuffed it into her pocket.

Donna hugged Tara, and then turned and walked out of the door of the clubhouse.

* * *

Tara was sitting with John eating dinner at a table in the bar of the clubhouse when Jax came running in.

"Tara, we need you!" he yelled at her.

She and John both stood up, Tara ran out of the bar behind Jax, and John jogged behind her. Tara and John came up short when an ambulance came into view.

"Wha..-" Tara began but Jax cut her off.

"Nevermind, come look in the back" he said.

Tara continued to the back of the ambulance, and John stayed at the door.

Tara gasped, in front of her lay a man with what appeared to be gunshot wounds. She turned to Jax.

"Get my bag out of the car" she then climbed into the ambulance and sat across from Chibs.

"I tried to stop the bleeding honey, but I'm not having very much success" he said looking down at his patient.

"Okay" Tara said while assessing the man laying in front of her. Jax appeared at the back of ambulance with her bag.

"I'm gonna need more than what is in there," she said, "I'm going to have to go to the house and pick up a few things"

She turned back to Chibs. "Okay, here is what I need you to do. Keep pressure on his wounds, give him two of the pain meds in the bag, if he is still in pain give him one more, but dont go over that. Those bullets are going to have to come out and I dont have the equipment here to take care of it. She handed him her bag.

"Alright darlin', I'll hold down the fort until you get back" he said with a wink.

Gemma poked her head around the edge of the ambulance. "What the hell is this?, she exclaimed and Tara saw Clay pull her to the side to explain what happened.

Tara climbed out of the ambulance. She started toward her car but Jax grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"I'm going with you." he said

She looked at him, the stubborn set of his jaw and decided not to argue. John jogged up to them.

"Mom!, I want to go too!," he yelled at her.

"No, no John, you stay here where it is safe" she said.

"Moooooooooom" John said, "I'm so sick of being here, I just want to go and get my old Ipod and computer and some more clothes. Besides if I dont get out of here I'll go stir crazy."

Tara was shaking her head but Jax suddenly said, "I'll be there with you Tara, he'll be fine" and John flashed his dad a winning smile.

Tara sighed, one of these days she would get used to being outnumbered.

* * *

Tara followed John into the house. She watched as he made a beeline for the boxes in the kitchen. His things were still packed in there. She walked over to the closet, pulling down a large black bag.

"I keep all my good stuff in here" she said with a wink at Jax. She handed the bag to him.

"Thanks" he said. "I'll carry it back on my bike, let John get his stuff and I'll meet you back at the clubhouse" he said

"Okay" she said and he turned to leave.

"Jax?" she said "I dont know what happened tonight that caused that man to be in the position he is in, but I'm gonna be there to help you make it right" she said

"I'm sorry" Jax said looking down at his shoes.

"For what?" Tara asked.

He looked back at her. Sadness in his eyes, suddenly he looked like the boy she once knew. "You know when Opie told me you were back in town, I ran a scenario of how things would go between us."

She laughed nervously, "How did that look?" she asked

"You wondering what kind of bad shit I've been up to, me sayin' I'm sorry" he said

"Yea, I guess this does feel kind of familiar" she said quietly adverting her eyes from his.

"Yea, it is familiar because I'm the same guy, wearin' the same cut; but you sweetheart? You're something different, Doc." he pulled on the hospital badge that Tara forgot to take off, "and that's a good thing." he said then he turned to leave.

Tara stared at his back. The man was truly blind to who he really is, she thought.

"Over the last few weeks, I've seen a man that's not afraid to feel." She said, and he turned to face her again, " A man that embraced and loves a son that he didn't know existed a month ago, and made it look as easy as breathing. It may be the same cut, but it's definitely not the same guy."

He smiled at her, then turned and walked out of the door. Tara stood in her living room for a moment, taking in the conversation she just had with Jax. He honestly didn't understand how wonderful and unique he was.

She got up and peered into the kitchen at John, he was ripping through and box, stuffing things into a white plastic bag and the pockets of his sweatshirt. She wandered into her room to collect some clothes, she decided to spend the night at the clubhouse so she could be close to John. She sat down on her bed, and glanced at the Ipod on the her nightstand. That was weird, she could've sworn she put her Ipod in her pocket before she left this morning. She touched her pocket, feeling the outline of her Ipod. As realization hit her, she jumped up and ran toward the door, hoping to get to John first.

Suddenly Kohn walked out her adjacent bathroom, he grabbed her from behind and slammed her back on the bed, covering her mouth with his hand as he listened to Jax start his bike and pull away from the house.

"Bye bye Mr Crow" he said with an evil smile on his face.

Tara forced herself to relax, trying to master her panic. This was what she wanted to happen, now she just needed to get them to the other side of the bed.

Feeling her relax Kohn pulled his hand away from her mouth slowly, when she didn't scream he lifted his hand completely off her mouth. He got off of her and pulled her to her feet. He sat her on the bed.

"Please leave Joshua, I won't tell anyone I promise" she said pretending to be frightened. She knew he wanted a repeat performance of Chicago.

"I just need five minutes Tara, just five goddamned minutes!" he said getting angry.

"Okay" Tara said calmly

"What happened in Chicago, that was...that was just crazy Tara." he said grabbing her arms and looking him in the eye. "I believe that we just need to start over, give this relationship the foundation that it needs."

Tara nodded her head.

"I want us to be totally honest with one another, tell each other everything" he said giving her a goofy smile, "Okay, you go first"

Tara sat there, trying to figure out something to say to him that wouldn't set him off, "Umm I dont know what to say, what do you want me to sa...?"

"Tara! Oh you silly goose, this is YOUR opportunity to lay it all out on the table" when she continued to stare at him he shook his head at her. "There's nothing you want to say?"

She shook her head.

"What about the baby Tara? he said

"It was not a baby, I got an abortion at 6 weeks." she said harshly.

"He wasn't a baby because you never gave him a chance!" Kohn yelled standing over her and slapping her across the face. Tara grabbed her opportunity and tried to jump across the bed, but Kohn grabbed her legs and slammed her down on her stomach.

"I always knew you liked it from behind honey", he said darkly ripping the back of her jeans. He released one of her legs to undo his zipper and Tara took her opportunity and kicked him hard in his stomach. He fell off of her and she scrambled across the bed and grabbed the gun Gemma gave her from her nightstand. She didn't have time to point it at him, and he tackled her to the ground, and the gun flew out of her hand.

"You STUPID BITCH! YOU WANT TO KILL ME? FUCKING WHORE!" he screamed wrapping his hands around her neck. Tara struggled against him, but she could not dislodge him from her chest. She heard faint pounding but she was sure that it was her heartbeat speeding to keep blood flowing to her brain. Stars burst in front of her eyes, and she began to black out.

* * *

John was sitting on the couch in the living room waiting for his mom to finish her gross girl things when he heard a male voice yell in his mom's room. He ran to the door, trying to turn the knob, but it wouldn't budge. He reached down and pulled his cell phone out and dialed Jax's cell phone number.

"Hello" Jax said

"HE'S HERE! DAD HE'S HERE AND HE HAS MOM!" John screamed into the phone and then he dropped it and stood back and began to kick the door with his booted foot. He had to kick it three times before it swung open, he ran into the room and saw Kohn sitting on his mother's chest.

He reached down and pulled the knife from his boot that his dad had given him two days before and all but flew across the room to Kohn. He landed on the man's back, and brought the knife up and stabbed him, he brought the knife down into Kohn's flesh over and over, trying to get as close to Kohn's heart as possible.

Kohn knocked John off of him and then turned to attack him.

Jax came roaring into the room, watching as John stabbed Kohn in the back and the man flicked his son off of him, knocking him on the floor. He turned to John, intending to attack him.

Jax fired his gun once, hitting Kohn in between the eyes, the man's brain and blood splattered against the wall behind him and he fell to the floor.

Dead.


	10. Personal Jesus

**Disclaimer: I dont own any of the Sons of Anarchy characters. I do own John Jackson Teller. **

**Enjoy. **

* * *

Kohn is dead.

John sat sprawled on the floor, less than a foot away from Kohn's now motionless body, trying to digest this fact in his mind, and in his heart. He waited for the guilt to come pouring in, but he felt nothing except elation.

Kohn is dead, he thought.

And his mother was safe.

At the thought of his mother, he scrambled to his feet and moved over to where Tara lay, barely sparing Kohn's body a glance. Tara was on her side, trying to catch her breath. John kneeled next to her, and helped her sit up. She was taking deep breaths, as if she couldn't get enough oxygen in her system. John put his hand on her shoulder.

"Mom" he said quietly and she turned frightened eyes to him. "It's okay mom, it's over." She shook her head, as if she were trying to clear her vision.

John turned his head and watched his father walk over to Kohn's still body. He stood over the dead man, looking down at him as if he wanted to shoot him again. John watched him, unsure of what to do next.

"Dad", he said drawing Jax's attention to him.

Jax turned his head in the direction of his son's voice. He felt like he was in a daze, he felt everything at once, and nothing at all. His eyes lit on Tara, her stillness snapped him out of his trance. He quickly walked over to John and Tara, stepping over Kohn's body without another thought. He leaned over and picked Tara up and carried her to the living room.

John followed slowly. He sat on the chair across from his parents, watching them closely.

Jax slapped Tara lightly on the cheek, and she looked at him, her beautiful green eyes frightened, and dazed. Suddenly she seemed to snap out of it. She reached up and touched Jax's cheek.

"Jax?" she asked.

"Yea baby, I'm right here" he said as he grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth.

They were all quiet for a long time. Everyone struggling to bring their emotions under control.

Jax stood up and walked over to John. He squatted in front of him, so that they were eye to eye.

"You okay son?" he asked.

"No, I'm not okay" John replied. "Will I be okay dad?" he asked Jax

"Yea" Jax said. "Do you have clothes here John?"

"Yea" he replied

"Okay, I need you to go and take a shower, scrub yourself really, really well, and then put on a fresh change of clothes. When you're done with that bring me the clothes that you have on now." Jax grabbed his son's shoulder searching his face for signs of shock, finding none he released him and stood up.

John got up and left the room. A moment later Jax heard the shower turn on.

He walked back over to Tara. She was still sitting quietly, staring at her feet.

"Tara?" he said quietly

She looked up at him, he was thankful to see that her eyes were completely clear.

"Do you have any plastic garbage bags or tarps in the garage?" he asked

She nodded her head, stood and walked into the kitchen. Jax walked behind her, staying close to her in case she fell. She bent over in front of the sink, opening the cabinet underneath. He noticed the rip in the back of her pants. Kohn had done that. Jax knew that instantly, and suddenly he was gripped with the insane need to go back and shoot Kohn again.

She handed him a box of garbage bags, and then continued to the door in the corner of the room. She opened it and flicked on a light and then walked in and came back with a dusty brown car cover.

She handed that to him. Jax turned to go back into her room, and she grabbed his arm. He gave her a questioning look.

"I'm going to help you." she said.

"Tara, no."

But she didn't stop to listen to him, didn't stop to argue. She simply reached under the sink grabbed her mop bucket, two bottles of bleach and walked past him into her room.

She walked over to Kohn's body and looked down at him for a moment.

It was done.

And she was happy.

She turned to Jax, and waited for him to begin. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bandanna. He walked over to her and tied it around her nose and mouth. He handed her the car cover.

"Spread that out over there." he said pointing the area near the door. Tara did as he told her. She stepped back and watched as he wrapped Kohn's head and shoulders in a black hefty bag. He lifted Kohn's body from the floor and carried it over to the spread out car cover.

"Grab that end and fold it in" he said pointing to the end of the tarp closes to her. They worked together to wrap Kohn's body, then they cleaned up his blood.

"The carpet is going to need to be replaced", Tara said for the first time a little bit afraid, "and the wall is going to need to be painted."

"I've got someone that can take care of it." he said moving toward the bedroom door. They walked out into the living room and found John curled up into a ball fast asleep on the couch. Tara and Jax watched him, each concerned for his well being. Tara walked into the bathroom and picked his blood soaked clothes up off the floor. She went back to her room and dumped them on top of Kohn's body.

"I need you to pull the cutlass into the garage Tara." Jax said as he began cleaning the floor in the bathroom where John's clothes had been. Tara grabbed her keys and walked outside to do as he said.

She was closing the garage door after pulling the cutlass into the garage, when Jax opened the door leading into the house and walked out with Kohn's body over his shoulder. He handed her the box of garbage bags and told her to line the trunk of the car with them. When she was done he put the body into the trunk and slammed the trunk closed.

They walked back into the house together. Tara went into the bathroom and took a shower, Jax came in behind her and took her clothes, leaving behind sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Tara stayed in the shower until the water ran cold.

By the time they got done it was 3:00 am.

Jax shook John awake. When he opened his eyes Jax noticed that they contained shadows, and were no longer the soft innocent eyes of a child.

John sat up, his Ipod was still blasting in his ears. He shut it off and looked up at Jax.

"I want you to take my bike, go back to the clubhouse. Do not stop for anything, you go straight there. Your mom's medical bag is strapped to the back, give that to your grandmother." he ordered his son. He wished he could chase those shadows away, but Jax knew better than anyone that the road to manhood was rocky and hard.

He put his hand on his son's shoulder, looking him directly in the eye. "Do not say anything to anyone about what happened here, okay John? The only people that need to know are you, me and Mom, alright?" Jax waited for John to nod his head before he released his shoulder. He handed him his keys.

"I love you son" Jax said.

"I love you too dad" John replied.

* * *

Tara fell asleep in the car while Jax drove. She didn't wake up until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped up, immediately trying to protect herself. The nights event's came crashing down on her, and she looked up into Jax's eyes.

"I need your help." he said.

She did not reply. She got out of the car and followed Jax to the trunk. When she looked inside she saw that Kohn's body was gone.

"Where is he?" she asked Jax.

"It's been taken care of" he replied as he pulled a bottle of bleach out of the backseat of the car.

She looked at him, at the hard set of his jaw, the coldness in his eyes, and she decided to let it drop. Jax would never allow anything to fall back on them.

They cleaned the trunk of the car. Tara scrubbed hard, her mind turning to John. She hoped her son would be okay. She would never forget the anger and madness in his eyes.

When she was done, she handed her rags to Jax. He nodded his head at her and disappeared in to the woods.

Tara stood next to the car, her mind going over the events of the night. She turned to close the trunk of the car. She pressed her hands to the top of the trunk, noticing the smears of blood on the back of them.

His blood.

Her hands began to shake. She stared at her them.

His blood.

On her hands.

Everything came crashing down on her. The abuse, the rape, the abortion, fleeing Chicago, her worry for John, her worry for Abel.

Everything

Everything.

She heard herself keening, felt her legs shaking. She dropped to the ground. She began to rock herself, she wrapped her arms around herself. Tearing were falling from her eyes. She could not control them.

She felt strong arms wrap around her, hands rubbing her hair, a voice telling her things would be okay, that she had been strong, so strong. Tara couldn't seem to break through, she couldn't find her voice. She grabbed at his arms, feeling the leather of his cut with the palms of her hands. She looked up into his eyes. His eyes that were only minutes before cold and closed off, were now concerned and warm.

She felt the quiet descend on her mind. She looked at Jax, felt his hand on her face, and desire curled in her belly. She slowly moved closer to him, bringing her lips to his. The last 11 years fell away and all thought left her mind. She pulled back from him, rubbing her hand against his arm. She kissed him again, this time harder. Suddenly her body seemed to go into a frenzy. She wanted him inside of her, she felt empty and needed him inside of her.

Jax lifted Tara off the ground and sat her on the trunk of the car. He pulled her sweatshirt over her head and looked down at her. He saw the locket he had given her on her 16th birthday dangling between her breasts. He grabbed it, and her hand covered hers. His eyes flew to hers asking a silent question, she answered it in kind. A small, sad grin broke out across his mouth. Tara pulled off his cut. He pulled back from her and all but ripped her panties and sweatpants off of her, taking her shoes along with them. Tara pulled his sweatshirt up and off of his head. She kissed him again, her hands working over his belt. She pulled down his jeans and boxers, and Jax kicked them away. They pulled back from one another, looking at each other.

Naked.

Jax pushed Tara back on the trunk. He kissed her jaw, her throat, and the locket that sat over her heart. He took her nipples into his mouth individually, lightly sucking them. Tara groaned in the back of her throat, arching her back off the trunk of the cutlass. Jax ran his tongue between her breast down the flat plane of her belly and around her belly button.

He ran his thumb over the new tattoo over her hip left hip bone. It was a small hand print with the initials J.J.T and 05/08/99 written under it. He kissed it, knowing instinctively that it was John's baby hand print.

He moved lower. Tara looked down at him. He looked back at her, his blue eyes darkened with desire. He moved lower, parting her with his tongue. He held her open with his fingers, running his tongue up and down. Tara moaned low and hard, arching her back again. He slid two fingers into her, using his fingertips to find the spot that was so familiar to him. He used his tongue on her clit, circling it slowly, mirroring the movement with the fingers inside of her. He could feel her stirring, stirring. Suddenly, she raised her back high off of the cutlass, screaming his name. He felt her cum with his fingers, enjoying the clenching of her body. He smiled and kissed her again. He slid his fingers out of her and stood up. He slid his cock into her slowly, watching her reaction. She moaned again and pulled him toward her. They kissed long and hard. Tara kissed his eyelids, his cheeks. She wrapped her legs around his body, bringing him deeper into her. Jax closed his eyes feeling as though he were really, truly coming home. He buried his head in Tara's chest, feeling her heartbeat there. He pumped into her, all thought driven from his mind as he sought his release. He could feel Tara clench around him again, he heard her moan deep in her throat, felt her heartbeat speed up.

And then he was falling, holding Tara to him as they both fell over the cliff.

* * *

John pulled into the Teller-Morrow parking lot. He had his hoodie pulled up over his head, his Ipod blasting music in his ears. He pulled the medicine bag off the back of his father's bike, and walked slowly toward the clubhouse. He stepped into the clubhouse and noticed that everyone was still there. They all turned and looked at him expectantly when he entered.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" Gemma yelled at him as she walked up to him, she had her hands on her hips. John couldn't hear her because he had his ear buds firmly pulled into his ears, but he could see that she was livid. He held the medical bag out to her. She took it from him, frowning at him and saying something else. He stepped around her and walked toward his room without replying. He didn't think he was capable of speaking at the moment.

He felt someone grab his arm from behind. He turned to face the person. It was Clay. He looked at John for a moment, and then reached up and pulled his hoodie back. He pointed at John's ears, and after a moment's hesitation John reached up and pulled his earbuds out. Clay pointed at Gemma. John turned toward her.

"Where the hell are Jax and Tara?" she said angrily. "We needed more than just the bag", she said as she shook the bag at him," we need Tara to actually patch this guy up."

John said nothing, just stood there staring at her.

"Well?" she yelled.

John was silent.

"JOHN, ANSWER MY DAMNED QUESTION!" she screamed. John looked down at his feet, and then back at his grandmother. That's when Gemma saw the tears in his eyes. Her heart stopped in her chest. She ran over to him and grabbed his arms fearing the worst.

"Baby, where are your parents, are they alright? Are they.." she couldn't finish. John shook his head and she let out a pent up breath.

John started to shake, the stress of the last year crashing down on him. He looked away from Gemma, he couldn't speak past the lump in his throat.

"Baby, you gotta talk to me, tell me what happened so grandpa and I can help you." Gemma said as she stroked his arms. He was completely rigid, his eyes glittered like stone. A tear spilled onto his cheek and he sank down onto the floor, weeping.

Gemma stroked his hair, kissed his forehead. It hit her suddenly. Kohn. She looked down at her grandson, he stared back at her, and she knew.

"Gemma, is he okay? Should we take him to the ER? You think he's in pain from his wounds?" Clay asked her, looking down at them.

"No baby," Gemma said kissing her grandson again,"Let's just get him up to his room, I think he overdid it riding Jax's bike."

Clay stooped down, picked John up and carried him up to his room. Gemma followed.

Clay laid John on the bed and looked at Gemma.

Gemma nodded at Clay and he walked out of the room. Gemma sat next to John on the bed, placing his head on her lap. He began to cry.

Gemma held him until he fell asleep.

* * *

Tara and Jax sat in silence outside of the clubhouse. Tara didn't know what to say to him, and Jax didn't know what to say to her.

She stared at her hands.

"So how does this work?" she asked

"Kohn left Charming as a wanted man. He escaped federal custody and could be half way around the world by now." Jax said with finality.

She looked at him, she knew he was feeding her a story, in case anyone asked about Kohn. "Is that how it works? You just make up your own rules?" she said

Jax looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, still not able to face her. He dropped his head back against the headrest of his seat.

"I got no idea how this works Tara." he sat up and looked at his hands,"I've never killed anyone this way before" he whispered.

Tara stared at him in shock. She could tell that he was hurting, she wanted to erase the hurt from his face. She crawled across the seat that separated them and sat sideways in his lap. She put her hands on either side of his face, and kissed his forehead. She pulled back from him, staring at his eyes. He looked so vulnerable, she didn't know what to do.

"You're in shock" she said leaning her forehead against his.

He rubbed his hand down her back and closed his eyes. "I dont think anything can shock me anymore" he said quietly

Tara pulled away from him again, "What can I do? What can I do to help you? she asked desperately.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. It was building in him, it had been building in him for the last eleven years. The words. The words he had been unable to say to her before.

"Stay" he said looking at her eyes, "Dont go anywhere"

She hugged him to her again. "Okay" she whispered.

He closed his eyes and ran his hand through her hair. They stayed that way until they heard tapping at the passenger window.

It was Tig.

Tara moved over to the passenger seat and rolled the window down. Tig smiled at her and turned his eyes to Jax.

"Hello kiddies. You guys broke curfew and mom and dad are pissed" he said sarcastically.

Jax and Tara turned to look at the clubhouse and watched as Gemma came storming out of the door, Clay on her heels.

They got out and walked around the car. Jax grabbed Tara's hand. Gemma walked up to them, her eyes on their joined hands.

She raised an eyebrow at her son and turned to Tara and slapped her hard across the face.

"You stupid bitch. You let John ride Jax's bike? Do you know how much danger you put him in for a booty call" she snapped at Tara.

Jax released Tara's hand and stepped between them. "It's not like that mom" he said quietly looking her in the eye. "Besides, John can ride better than some of the members."

She pointed at him. "You wanna resurrect old trauma with this bitch, do it on your own time. John looks just like you, and you sent him across this town on your bike? How could you be so stupid Jackson? she said eyeing her son up and down.

Tara pushed Jax out of the way. Her cheek was red, the outline of Gemma's hand standing out starkly on her pale skin.

She pushed Gemma. Shocked, Gemma stumbled backwards three steps. "You don't ever lay hands on me" Tara said quietly to Gemma. Clay stepped forward to prevent Gemma from attacking Tara, and Jax grabbed Tara's arm to prevent her from advancing on Gemma again.

Gemma and Tara stood staring at each other, never breaking eye contact.

"Where's my son?" Tara asked coldly.

"With his family." Gemma returned.

Tara shook Jax off and stormed into the clubhouse. She walked to the room Jax had claimed for John and opened the door. Her son was laying in the middle of his bed curled into a ball, all of his clothes still on. She kicked off her shoes and went to lay beside her son. She heard the door open and knew it was Jax. He walked over to the bed and laid down on the opposite side of John. They stared at each other for a moment. She grabbed his hand, he interlaced their fingers. They stayed that way for a while until they heard banging on the other side of the door. Jax got up quickly opened the door and walked out. He came back in and walked to Tara's side of the bed. He shook her lightly and she turned to him.

"It's the Irishmen" he said and she got up, grabbed her shoes and walked out of the room.

Chibs was waiting for her on the other side of the door.

"Tara darlin'! Where 'ave you been?" he said running a hand through his hair and puffing on a cigarette with the other," The Irishmen lost a lot of blood, I removed the bullet but it severed his femoral artery." he looked at her with desperation. "I'm way out of my element here, sweethear' please come help me."

"Of course" she said walking out behind him.

* * *

Tara crawled into bed next to Jax. This had been the mother of all days. She had managed to remove the bullets from the Irishmen, but they would have to wait and see if the antibiotics she gave him would take.

She had just come from St. Thomas. She had the day off, but she went to check on Abel anyway and complete their night time ritual.

Jax turned toward her, his arms going around her automatically. He kissed her on the cheek.

"How're things at the hospital?" Jax asked in a sleepy voice. He didn't know that she had just gone to check on Abel.

"Good" she said, "You want to hold your son?" she asked and he sat up straight.

"What?" he asked rubbing a hand over his face.

"Do you want to hold Abel?" she asked him again.

He looked at her like she had lost her mind. Then he looked around the room.

Tara laughed for the first time that day.

"I didn't bring him home with me." she said

"Oh" Jax said looking back at her, "Yea I knew that."

"Jax" Tara said standing on her knees beside him and grabbing his face,"Abel is being taken out of the incubator tomorrow evening. This time tomorrow you'll have your son in your arms."

He looked at her with wide eyes, and then a huge grin broke out across his face. He hugged her to him. It was because of her that both of his sons were alive.

He didn't know how he would repay her.

He kissed her, and she pulled back from him. He kissed her again and she smiled against her his lips. He pushed her down on the bed. She giggled as he landed on top of her.

* * *

The next day John was sitting at the picnic table outside of the clubhouse again listening to music and reading a new book.

Gemma walked over to him and sat down next to him. She tapped him on the shoulder and he pulled his earbuds out and closed his book.

She tapped the front of his book. "The Bible?" she asked.

He looked up at her and then down at his hands.

"Do you believe in God grandma?" he asked

"Mmmm" she began, " I believe that we all have a job to do. Your father, he's a protector, it's his job to look after those people that can't look after themselves. Your mom, she's a healer. She saves the weak and wounded."

"So what's my job?" he asked

"I dont know baby" she said "that's something that you are going to have to figure out on your own."

He nodded his head at that. "Do you believe in hell grandma?" he asked quietly

"I believe that the only hell you will ever be in is the one you create in your mind." she said running a hand down his back. She wasn't sure of what happened the night before but she knew that it was seriously fucking with John's head.

He gave her a weak smile and pulled out his laptop. She watched him for a moment and then started asking him questions about it. She was floored that he understood so much about computers.

"You're a genius, you know that John?" she said

"I'm just observant grandma." he said while his fingers played over the keyboard of the laptop. "I'm not nearly as smart as people make me out to be."

"You're ten, and you under concepts that some 30 year olds have trouble with."

He gave her a genuine smile. "My mom home-schooled me until I was seven. By the time she enrolled me in regular school, I was pretty much on level with kids much older than me. They tested me and put me up two years." he said

Gemma was impressed, maybe Tara wasn't so bad after all.

"I'm impressed baby." she said

"Yea." he replied.

Gemma told him that she would be in the office if he needed her and got up and walked away.

Sack wandered over to where John was sitting, and watched him play on his computer for a moment.

"Hey kid, how're you feeling today?" he asked.

"Fine." John said not looking away from his computer screen.

"Oh okay", Sack said weakly. "I was wondering if you were up to a little boxing"

John looked up at Sack. This guy wanted a rematch? He frowned at him.

"Not that I want to fight you again! I mean, we really didn't fight before, you sort of snuck up behind me and...and...never mind." he said and turned to walk away.

"No wait!" John said getting up and coming after Sack.

Sack turned back to him.

"It's just that, you moved pretty good, for a kid. You're like natural, seems like you would make a good boxer, with some training." Sack said.

"That'd be cool man!" John said and smiled at Sack. "I used to box with my friends back in Chicago, but we were just playing around. I didn't have any real training."

"Okay," Sack said smiling at John. "If you got time, we can start today"

"Yea" John said "Just let me pack my stuff up and put it in the clubhouse." John quickly gathered all of his things and ran into the clubhouse and put everything behind the bar. He ran back outside and followed Sack past all of the garages. There was a boxing ring set up under an overhang. John hadn't even realized it was there.

John looked at Sack. "So, is that your real name? Sack?" John asked

Sack looked down at his shoes. "Actually it's half-sack and it isn't my real name. I got it in Iraq."

John frowned, "How did you get it?" he asked

"Well, actually...ummm...one of my testicles was shot during a raid." he said totally embarrassed.

John winced. "Aw man, I'm sorry" he said seriously.

Sack looked back at John waiting for him to make fun of him, when he didn't Sack smiled at him. "S'okay I'm thinking about getting a replacement."

John didn't even want to touch that with a ten foot pole, so he said,"So what's your real name?"

"It's Kip"

"You mind if I call you Kip?"

"Sure and I'll call you...ugh John"

John burst out laughing at Kip. Was he forreal? Kip rolled his eyes.

"Let's get started kid. Grab those gloves over there."

* * *

Tara walked to John's room. She was stopping by during her lunch break to tell him about Abel and to see if he wanted to come tonight. She walked into his room and found it empty. She walked back out to the bar room and looked at each table carefully. She walked up to Tig.

"Have you seen John?" she asked him.

"Yea he was walking toward the garage with Sack a little while ago." he said

Tara walked outside and made her way toward the garages. She walked into the one that music was blasting out of. Jax and Opie were working on a SUV. She walked over to the radio and turned down the music.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Opie yelled. "Dont ever take a man away from his Willy"

"Opie, I wouldn't touch your Willy with a ten foot pole" she said with an evil grin. He put his hand over his heart and staggered backward.

"Nice to see your sense of humor hasn't change little girl." he said

"Nice to see your tired comebacks haven't changed either." she shot back

"Alright, stop flirting with my girl Opie." Jax said as he walked around the car.

"Would've been my girl if I would've gotten her to sit beside me in Ms. Clark's class." he said

They all laughed, remembering the antics all three of them got up to in that particular kindergarten class.

Jax walked over to her and grabbed her hips, he leaned over and kissed her on the lips.

"Hey babe" he said grinning.

"Hey yourself" she said, "Have you seen your son?"

"No. He's not in the clubhouse?"

"Nope" Tara said

"I saw him walking toward the ring with Sack earlier." Opie threw in.

Tara, Jax and Opie walked out of the garage and toward the back of the building. When they rounded the corner they saw Sack standing behind a hanging punching bag, yelling obscenities at John, with John standing on the other side, his hands wrapped in tape, throwing hard punches at the boxing bag.

All three of them stopped in their tracks. Tara looked at Jax and he shook his head slightly. They walked under the overhang slowly, taking in what they were seeing.

John finished punching the bag and Sack handed him a rope, telling him that he wanted him to do 50 jumps. John did it effortlessly. Sacked smiled at him and slapped him on the back, John smiled back at him and then he spotted his parents and Opie watching him. He ran over to them, hugging his mom first and then turning to Jax and Opie.

"Did you know that Kip was the junior lightweight champion when he was in the military? He's got the golden gloves and everything!" he said excitedly to Jax.

Jax and Opie looked at each other and frowned.

Kip?

Lightweight champion?

"Who is Kip?" Tara asked looking around for someone else.

"Oh, it's Sack mom, but that's not his real name, it's only a nickname he got in the war. Sack being the nickname and Kip being his real name." John said. Tara's eyebrows hit her hairline.

"He going to train me. I mean I feel better, and we're mostly doing technique stuff and building my stamina" he continued missing the look between Jax and Opie. "It's okay right?" he asked his parents.

Tara started to say no, but then she really looked at her son. Gone was the sullen and sad boy she had left this morning. Now he stood in front of her, his eyes his green eyes excited, his energy level high.

"It's okay with me" she said and John smiled wider.

He ran back to Kip and told him the good news. Kip wandered over to the group of people while scratching the back of his head.

"I guess I should've asked you guys first. I guess I just wasn't thinking" He said mostly to Tara.

"What else is new prospect?" Jax asked with a smile. "Lightweight champion huh? We may find a use for you yet, "Kip".

"Yea" Kip said and walked away from the group.

"Hey son" Jax said

"Yea Dad" John replied.

"Your brother is coming out of the toaster tonight. You want to come and see him?" Jax asked

"Yes!" John said turning and running back to the clubhouse to shower and change.

"He's a good kid you guys." Opie said quietly. He missed his family.

"Have you heard from Donna?" Tara asked coming over to him and squeezing his hand.

"Yea, it's just the same old shit, arguing, hanging up" he said sadly. He sighed heavily and leaned over and kissed Tara on her forehead.

"We're here if you need us bro." Jax said

"Yea" Opie said walking away from them.

Jax wrapped his arm around Tara, and she turned and wrapped hers around his neck. They kissed and he walked her backwards into the corner next to the row of tall steel cabinets. He ran his hands underneath her shirt.

She was all he needed,he thought, and he couldn't get enough.


	11. Tus maith

A/N: I do not own any of the SOA character. Although I have been having this interesting fantasy that involves Jax where he keeps telling me that he IS my property. :)

Sorry it took so long to write this. Been slammed with the new semester, so chapters may only come once every couple of weeks, but they will come! Never fear.

* * *

**You don't wanna hurt me,**

**But see how deep the bullet lies.**

**Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.**

**There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.**

**So much hate for the ones we love?**

**Tell me, we both matter, don't we?**  
**-Placebo**

John and Jax watched as Gemma paced back and forth in front of them. They were standing in the hallway outside of Abel's incubation room. Gemma was anxious because they had been waiting for over 30 minutes for Tara to come back out and give them the okay to come in.

Jax leaned on the wall next to the door that lead to his son's room, John slouched in the corner farthest from Jax. John and Jax were just as anxious as Gemma, they just didn't show it.

"Mom", Jax said, exasperated, "Tara said they would be right out with him, calm down."

"Maybe the good doctor isn't so Good after all", she said, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

John stood up taller, rising to his full five feet four inches. "My mom was the top of her class at med school. She's worked at the best hospital in the country. She is an awesome doctor." he said with quiet conviction.  
Gemma stopped pacing and turned to stare at him. She was just opening her mouth to reply when Tara came out of the door.

"You can come in. We're just finishing with his check-up, I'll bring him out in a moment." Tara said with excitement.

They all moved quickly toward the door, with Jax leading the way. John hung back near the entrance of the door, while Gemma and Jax walked across the room to stand near the rocking chair.

Five minutes later Tara walked through the side door with a wrapped, squirming bundle cradled in her arms. She looked down at him and smiled, then walked over to stand in front of Jax. She gave Jax a radiant smile and then ran a finger over Abel's soft cheek. His mouth formed an "O" and he blinked his big sky blue eyes at her. She felt a catch in her heart as she handed him into Jax's waiting arms.

Jax looked down at his baby boy and then looked over at John. He waved John forward and he pushed away from the wall and walked toward his baby brother and father.

Tara saw the expression on Gemma's face and their eyes locked. Gemma picked up her bag and they walked out of the room together.

Jax rocked Abel slowly, John stood at his elbow watching.

"Did you ever see me when I was a baby?" he asked Jax suddenly.

Jax stopped rocking the chair and turned to John. "No son, I never saw you when you were a baby."

"So you didn't like me, like you like Abel?" John asked. He was looking down at Abel with intensity.

"I love you son." Jax said with sudden intensity. "I just didn't have the chance to see you when you were younger."

"So mom kept you from me?" he whispered.

Jax sighed. He had to get this right. He had to make things right in John's head or he would end up hating Tara, or himself.

He reached over with one hand and grabbed John's hand. "No son. Your mom made the best choice for you and her at the time. We both love you, so much that we would die for you. We were both young and a bit foolish. We made mistakes, both of us, but those are our demons to live with. Not yours, never yours."

A single tear slipped down John's cheek, and he nodded once those demons being put to rest in his mind for now. He touched Abel's cheek and Abel opened his blue eyes and blinked up at him.

John smiled, "Hey little guy. I'm your big brother, John."

Jax smiled and kissed Abel's head. He looked up at John and down at Abel. He was so happy he could barely breathe.

He smiled down at Abel. "I hate to break this to ya kid, but I'm your old man." he said quietly fighting to hold back tears.

John put his hand on his father's shoulders and squeezed it. "You're the best dad we could ask for." he said with quiet conviction.

* * *

Gemma walked into the room and watched as Jax handed Abel to John. John took him and sat down in the rocking chair. He said something to Abel and Abel cooed at him.

Gemma had never been happier.

She walked over to them. "Doc said it was time to feed him. I was hoping I could have that honor." she said quietly.

John smiled at her, his earlier outburst forgotten.

Jax smiled at her and motioned for her to come over to them.

* * *

Tara was finished with her nightly ritual with Abel and was washing her hands before leaving the room when she noticed a tall blond woman looking in through the nursery window at her. Tara caught her eye and she smiled at Tara. She felt a chill move down her spine.

She walked out of the nursery.

"Dr. Tara Knowles, my name is agent June Stahl with the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms." the woman said as she held her hand out to Tara.

Tara felt her stomach sink. Her held out her hand, and shook the other woman's hand, trying to keep the tremors at bay.

Agent Stahl gestured toward the seats and Tara sat down.

As Tara waited for the grilling to begin, Agent Stahl smiled at her.

"I've been trying to figure you out Dr. Knowles."she began.

"I'm sorry?" Tara said completely taken off guard.

"You left this rat hole of a town 11 years ago, skyrocketed to the top of your class at The University of Cali San Diego all the while raising your illegitimate son. Excelled in your studies at Loyola Med, and landed one of the coveted internships at Rush University Medical Center. Very impressive." she said sarcastically.

"I'm aware, I was there." Tara returned.

"Well how is it that you landed back here at St. Rednecks, patching up the tired huddled masses when you could be rubbing elbows with some of the greatest medical minds this country has to offer?" Stahl asked quietly widening her eyes and turning her head slightly to the side.

Bitch, Tara thought.

"I dont see how my life choices are any of your business agent." Tara said coolly.

"No? Hmm well we shall see." she looked Tara in the eye," Are you aware of any illegal activity going on with the Sons of Anarchy mc?" Stahl asked flat out

Tara laughed inside. Was this bitch for real?

She widened her eyes and said "God no." and then looked down. Trying her best not to laugh.

Stahl paused and smirked at her, "Well if you hear anything let me know." she said as she passed one of her cards to Tara.

She stood to leave, but at the last minute she turned back to Tara. "You haven't heard from agent Kohn have you? It seems he never got off the plane in Chicago."

Tara spread her hands in front of her and said,"I had a warrant against Kohn, I would hope he would steer clear of me if he hoped to keep his career."

Stahl smiled at her and turned and walked away. Tara let out a pent up breath and sagged slightly in her chair.

* * *

"Sure Donna I have the next four days off and I can come over to help you pack up the house tomorrow afternoon." Tara said as she moved around Jax's dorm room packing up her things. They were leaving today. The house was finished two days before, John was completely healed and enrolled in Charming Middle School.

It was time to leave.

"Okay Tara, I really truly appreciate you helping me out." Donna said and snapped Tara out of her daydream. "Come by around 4:00 pm."

"Okay" Tara said and then hung up. She put her hands on hips and looked around the room. All of her things were packed. John's room was packed.

They were ready to go.

So why did she feel so afraid to step foot on the other side of the door.

Would it all end?

For the last week they had all been getting along smoothly, even Gemma had been nice and less vocal about her disapproval of the relationship between Jax and Tara.

Tara knew that it would all end. Some croweater would challenge her relationship with Jax. She would be forced to fight back, but she couldn't do that, she couldn't allow herself to become that person again.

So she had come back to the clubhouse, walked to the room she had shared with Jax for the last two weeks and began packing all of her belongings. She did it robotically, knowing it was for the best.

She sat on the bed they had shared and ran a hand through her her dark hair. This was probably the end, she thought to herself.

The door to the room opened and Jax walked in. He came up short when he saw her packed bags laying on top of the bed.

"What's going on?" he asked hesitantly.

"House is done." Tara said quietly.

"And what? You can't wait to get out of here?" he said.

"No, it's just best to rip the band-aid off. Go back there and face the demons. It's where we are going to be living for...a while." Tara said still staring at the floor.

He let out a pent up breath, he thought for a minute she was leaving for Chicago. He walked around the bed and stood in front of her. She lifted her head and stared at his chest. He squatted in front of her and grabbed her chin forcing her to meet his eyes. He saw fear in her there, and something else, something he wasn't ready to deal with yet.

"You're right. I'll drive you over."

* * *

Tara walked into the house first. She moved around slowly, searching for signs of Kohn in the living room. She walked to her bedroom and stopped in the doorway, she looked over at the spot where he had died. There was nothing there, just solid oak wood floors and freshly painted walls. She felt dizzy standing there and started to back out of the room and bumped into Jax. He was standing right behind her.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded her head unable to speak past the lump in her throat.

He gave her a worried look. "I can stay." he said quickly

"No, no we ...we just need to be okay here. You know?" she whispered.

"Yea" he said putting her bag down on the floor. He reached over, grabbed her hand and kissed it.

"I'm going to leave."

He was turning toward the door when Tara said, "What do you think would've happened if you would've went with me?" she asked him pushing past her fear.

He sighed and leaned against the door jab. "I would've gone nomad, majored in English Literature or Philosophy. We would've found out you were pregnant with John and probably moved back to Charming for support. You would've ended up a nurse and not a doctor. Possibly even hating me after my three year stint in Stockton."

She was taken aback. She had not expected such a forthright answer. It showed her that he had been thinking about it as much as she had.

"What do you think would've happened if you'd stayed?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know, but I probably wouldn't have ended up killing a man." she said fighting back tears and hysteria and exhaustion.

He walked over to her and pulled her into a hug. "You didn't." he said, "I'm staying. You need me, John needs me. I'm not going to leave my family."

Tara shook her head but he ignored her and picked her up and carried her toward the bed. She jumped up as soon as her backside hit the mattress.

"I can't sleep in here! I can't sleep here!" she said on the edge of a full blown panic attack.

He picked her up and carried her to the living room. John was sitting on the love seat flipping through channels. Jax laid Tara down on the couch opposite him and took her shoes off. He covered her in the afghan that was formerly draped over the back of the sofa and sat near her feet. He pulled her feet into his lap and began massaging her legs. After a while he looked up at Tara and saw that she had fallen asleep. He kicked his boots off and propped his socked feet on the coffee table.

John looked over at him.

"Should I be upset to be here?" John asked Jax quietly.

"Do you feel upset?" Jax replied.

"No, I'm happy he is gone. I'm happy mom is alive and okay. I'm happy that we are here with you and grandma and Abel and everyone else." he said quietly his eyes fixed on the television set. "He tried to kill me, he tried to kill my mother. I feel like I did what was right. I can't detect one bad feeling about what happened here in me anymore."

Jax listened to his son talk. He had been worried about John, about his reaction to his part in Kohn's murder. Listening to his son he felt some of his worry subside.

"What does that make me dad?" John asked.

"A survivor son. You were right. Kohn would have killed you and your mother without a second thought. It was a game to him, but you won and that's what should've happened. That was the right thing." Jax said with conviction. He did not want his son harboring any feelings of guilt over Kohn.

"Thanks dad." John said and he got up, stretched and walked into Tara's old childhood bedroom.

* * *

Tara woke up alone on the couch. She heard someone roaming around in the kitchen and assumed it was Jax making coffee. She got up and walked to the kitchen and found John rumbling through the fridge looking for food.

"We need to stock up mom." he said as he backed out of the refrigerator. "Dad said to call him when you got up. Can we go out to breakfast before school?"

Tara's eyes widened. She had totally forgotten today was John's first day of school! "YES!" she yelled over her shoulder as she ran to her bathroom and jumped in the shower.

She threw on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top and running shoes. She pushed John out of the front door and jumped in her car. Breaking her previous land record getting him to the Marcus' Diner. They sat down and had a quick breakfast and she got him to school just as the first warning bell was ringing.

"Love you babe." she said as she pressed a five dollar bill into his hand. "If I don't pick you up grandmom or dad will."

"Okay" John said. "See ya mom" he said as he stepped out of the car.

Tara called Jax on her way back to her house. She intended to sleep her little heart out.

"Hey babe" he said into his cell.

"Hey, John said you told him to tell me to call you."

"Yea, we need you to check on our friend."

"Okay, I'm on my way back to the house, almost there. Pick me up in 30?"

"Yea" he said and hung up.

* * *

Tara drove to Donna's house after she was done with the Irishman. He was healing well, on his way to a full recovery if he followed her orders.

As she pulled up in Donna's driveway she noticed a black sedan parked out by the curb. She waited in the car, and sure enough a few minutes later Stahl came walking out. She noticed Tara watching her and smiled and waved at her as if they were old friends. Tara waited until she had pulled away from the curb before she opened her car door and stepped out.

She walked into the house and called out Donna's name. Donna came walking from the dining room, her face livid.

"That woman...that June Stahl bitch, came here trying to drain information out of me." Donna said as she gave Tara a quick hug.

"Yea she hit me up as well." Tara replied."She's itching to bring the club down. Going after the women."

Donna crossed her arms across her chest and started pacing back and forth. "Well at least if she did, Opie would be free of the life."

Tara got into Donna's face. "Are you crazy? That bitch gets to the club, crushes them, she crushes us too!" Tara said getting angry at Donna and her constant verbal abuse of the SAMCRO. "We've been apart of this before we were even born. Our uncles were members, your husband is a member. If the SAMCRO family goes down so does each and every one of our families." She put her nose right in Donna's face, "You want to see Ellie raped and beaten by her new foster father? Do you think I want John to grow up in home after home? Do you think I want to see Abel go the that junkie bitch? THINK Donna. The club is your home, your family. Always has been. Always will be. You need to think about that because this bitch is going to push us hard, we need to push her back!"

Tara turned to leave. Donna would probably never speak to her again after her tirade, but she didn't care. Her friend needed to hear a few home truths before it was too late.

Tara was walking out of the door when she saw Opie approaching her with a yellow envelope in his hand.

He jerked his chin toward the house, "How is she?"

"Pissed at the world, but most especially me right now." Tara said as she stormed by Opie. He stood and watched her get into her car and pull away.

* * *

Two weeks had passed since she had last seen Donna.

Tara sat in bed reading up on a surgery she was schedule to perform the next day when Jax walked into the room.

"John go down for the night?" he asked her.

"Yup about an hour ago."

He looked at the volumes of medical books scattered across the bed and at the one in her hand and he raised his eyebrows.

"Heavy reading." he stated before bending over and kissing her.

"Heavy surgery." she replied and smiled at him. "I've got good news."

"Finally, we could use some of that." he said with a smile.

"If Abel makes it through the night without any alarms, he'll be released tomorrow afternoon." Tara said with a huge smile.

Jax's eyes widened, he actually looked a bit scared. Then he smiled and that moment of fear passed. He leaned down and kissed her again. "It would never have happened without you." he said

"St. Thomas has a top pediatric surgeon..." Tara began not comfortable with the title of savior.

"No." he said interrupting her, "It was you Tara. I know you took extra shifts, asked to be put on his case, hovered over him like his guardian angel. I know you go to his room and read to him and talk to him. He knows you already, probably better than anyone else in the family. You've been there since second one." He ran a hand over her hair. "He's lucky to have such a wonderful mother. Both of my boys are."

Tara looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She wanted with everything to be Abel biological mother, but she knew that would never happen. She decided to be there for him in every way she could. She had fallen in love with him the moment he opened his blue eyes and stared up at her.

"Thank You." she said kissing his was confused about what they were to each other, but she felt a sort of sealing in her commitment to Abel with his words.

He picked up his phone and called Gemma to tell her the good news. Tara could hear her excitement clear across the bed. He snapped his phone shut and turned to Tara.

"She's throwing Abel a coming home party...at my house." he said hesitantly. They had never spent anytime there as a family, but when Abel came home, he would be in his nursery at Jax's house. Where would Tara be?

Jax turned to Tara suddenly and asked, "Do you love me?"

Tara dropped the heavy volume she was holding. "What?" she asked stunned at his abrupt turn of thought.

"Do you love me?" he repeated slowly.

YES! Tara thought, but she remained quiet staring down at her hands.

He touched her thigh. "It a simple question babe." he said quietly

"It's not a simple answer." she replied still not looking at him.

He stared at the side of her face for a moment, willing her to turn her eyes to his so he could read them, but she didn't and he wasn't willing to push his luck on that night.

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

"I do love you." she said quietly still staring down at her hands, and he stopped half way across the room. "It's not like it was before, not some crazy feeling. It's a burning inside of me that I know is here to stay, and it's not because of John. It's because of you. Because you can make me laugh with just a quirk of your eyebrow, because you are good to me even when it's not deserved." She finally looked up at him. He was glued to the spot watching her.

"I love you. Not the circumstances, or as a reward for what you did for me. I just...do." she finished lamely. She fidgeted a little with the blanket when he didn't reply. Eventually she heard him move out of the room and then she heard the shower turn on.

She put the books on her nightstand and turned the light off, and laid on her side. He had not replied. Maybe he didn't love her. Maybe she was just a diversion until Wendy got back. She felt the bed shift under his weight and felt him move close to her. He kissed her neck and wrapped an arm around her. She relaxed against him.

"I love you more babe." he whispered, and she felt him smile against her neck as she drifted off to sleep.


	12. Open Your Eyes

A/N: I don't own any of Kurt Sutter's characters.

Sorry it took so long to update, but as I said before, they will keep coming never fear. Hope you guys enjoy this!

**Get up, get out, get away from these liars**

** 'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire**

** Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine**

** And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time**

** Every minute from this minute now**

** We can do what we like anywhere**

** I want so much to open your eyes**

** 'Cause I need you to look into mine**

**-Snow Patrol**

It was the coolest part of the night, when the warmth of the day completely melted away and the dark coldness finally takes over. Morning dew was just starting to form sad, cool beads on the grass and windshields of cars. Making everything appear to sweat. The wind blew slightly, it's soft breath threatening of an unexpected late April cold snap. It carried the scent of the redwoods, standing tall in the forests that surround the small, sleepy town of Charming.

The coldness barely phased Tara as she quickly made her way across the service parking lot. She always parked her cutlass at the edge of the parking lot, knowing that the cameras that worked were there. She can feel them click on as she comes into view, taking in her image in black and white and sealing her in a safeness that she knew was a lie.

The old dark beauty beckoned to her like a sly lover. Her body ached from her latest 16 hour shift. She enjoyed her time there, tonight was the last night she would able to spend semi-alone with her quasi-son Abel.

She put the key in the ignition and the car roared to life, it's familiar sound soothing her frazzled nerves.

Today had been a slice of both heaven and hell for her.

She awoke wrapped in Jax's arms, with their son sleeping safe and healthy down the hall from them. The sense of rightness stole her breath away, and before she even opened her eyes, she told Jax that she loved him. She heard no reply but felt him rub her back, and the first of many pins twisted in her heart.

Why hadn't her replied, when just six hours before he had whispered his love to her?

She pretended to sleep while he got up and dressed for the day. She didn't move and inch when his lips whispered across her brow, and didn't crack her eyes open until she heard the Dyna come to life outside of her window.

She sat up slowly and let the sheets pool around her waist. Was nothing ever solid with him?, she wondered and realized that she may be over reacting. She rolled over into his spot which was still warm from his body and breath in his scent.

She loved him. This wasn't something she could consciously turn on and off, she had loved him nearly her entire life. At this point it didn't seem to have a beginning or ending.

She was quiet as she dressed for work, quiet as she drove John to school. She told him that Gemma would pick him up after school, and that she would see him in the morning because she would be pulling a long shift today.

In reality she didn't even have a shift today. She simply wanted to spend as much time with Abel as possible. She knew that soon he would be going home, soon he would live in his crib at his father's house, and soon she would become a distant memory to him, someone that would fade until they disappeared from his mind.

When she arrived at the hospital she sat in car for an hour, trying to get a grip on her head, and a grip on her emotions.

Jax had made her no promises, they didn't owe one another anything.

He was not hers.

Abel was not hers.

Tara knew that was a lie, but it was a lie she would have to live with in order to get through the day, the weeks, the months until the pain of losing the man that owned her heart and the boy that had adopted her as his mother dulled into a livable ache.

Her day had been a series of fires. From Wendy showing up outside of Abel's room wearing a defensive expression and eyes made clear by sobriety, to Gemma's ire and hatred. She wondered why she had gotten out of bed. She should have stayed there curled in Jax's scent, until he came home. She should have been waiting for him so that they could have an adult discussion about their relationship, make plans. His silence this morning had chased away the comfort of his whispered words of love.

In their place stood questions. Did he want her? Was this real? How would it work? Where was her place? Where was John's place?

How did she get here? What lead her to this place where she was sitting in her car battling with herself to stay or go? To love or reject?

She needed loving arms and an unconditional ear.

She needed Donna.

Take didn't think as she released the parking break and made her way over to Donna's house. She knew she had not talked to her best friend in two weeks, but she also knew that the strength of their friendship could allow for that.

She slowed as she reached their block, but stopped two houses down when she saw the black ATF van sitting directly across from their house. The every light in the house seemed to be on, which lit the darkened block. Tara watched as Stahl followed by Opie and Donna, each holding a sleeping child, walked out of the house and got into the van.

From her vantage point Tara had an excellent view of Opie's face. He appeared impassive, but not afraid which made her immediate thoughts of voluntary surrender flood from her mind.

That ATF bitch was up to something. Tara had no idea what, but she knew that the club had to be informed.

She dialed Jax's cell as she watched the van pull away from the curb and speed past her.

"Yea." he said groggily.

"It's Tara..-" she began.

"Listen about tonight. All that Wendy shit, I appreciate you letting her see Abel and being understanding."

"Oh, of course." she said automatically.

"You on your way home? Cause I've been here with John all night. Thought you didn't have to work?"

"I didn't. Listen-"

"Then why did you go to work? No one is that dedicated Tara."

"We'll talk about it later. I just need you to-"

"If this is about Wendy, I only gave her the key so she could have a safe place."

"Of course, I understand, you love her."

"Yea, but it's not like what you are thinking. I was hoping I could stay here until we worked something out."

"I don't have a problem with you staying with me Jax, but I thought you'd want to be near Abel."

"Of course I do. I thought I'd bring him with me. I'd assumed you'd welcome him with open arms."

"Abel is always welcome in my home! You just...he needs a crib, a place to sleep, diapers, you have all that already set up at your place, so I thought..."

Jax sighed heavily and Tara knew she was losing ground. She wasn't sure how they got here in their conversation; or how to get out, but she had to make one thing clear.

"Abel is like my flesh and blood Jax. He's always got a place wherever I am. If you want to stay we'll make it work so that he can be comfortable."

He didn't say anything and for a moment Tara thought he had hung up on her.

She sighed and muttered a quiet, "Hello?" into the phone.

"Come home." he muttered and then disconnected the line.

She slid her phone closed and then rested her head against her steering wheel. She did not want to go home. She did not want to fight. She did not want the whirlwind of emotions that she felt whenever she was close to Jax. She just wanted to be at peace, just a bit of peace.

She drove around Charming, circling her childhood streets as the early morning night slid from dark to light blue. She did not pull up in front of her house until she knew it was time for John to go to school.

When she pulled into her driveway he was sitting on her front step with Jax. They were eating pop tarts straight from the wrapper and laughing at one another. Tara sat in the car until John got up and walked over to her. He got in the car and Jax approached the driver's side window. Tara rolled it down and he leaned toward her. His scent hit her hard and for a moment she teared up.

"Come to the garage." he ordered and then he turned and walked over to his bike. Tara watched him leave, feeling the lump in her throat grow as she watched him pull out of her driveway.

* * *

After Tara dropped John off at school she drove back to her house to change and shower. She was exhausted, and thought about falling into her bed, but she knew if she went down now she would not make it to say goodbye to Abel.

She knew this would be a hard conversation with Jax, and she dressed herself in feminine armor.

She left her hair twisting in raven disarray around her shoulders, she put on make-up to hide the shadows under her eyes and put on a pair of large silver hoop earrings, and four silver bangles. She let her locket stand as a talisman against her pale chest. She put on a dark pink tank top and dark blue skinny jeans. She decided against heels and put on a pair of old chuck taylor converse she had found in the back of her old closet.

She drove to the garage slowly, hoping that maybe she could avoid Jax all together. To her immense disappointment and relief his bike was still parked at the garage when she arrived.

She sat in her car for a moment, trying to gather her courage and thoughts. Each were blowing around inside of her like freshly fallen leaves on a strong wind. She watched with equal parts anticipation and fear as Jax emerged from the clubhouse. He spotted her car and started walking in her direction. She got out of the car and walked to the end of the hood to meet him.

He didn't smile at her as he approached her. He held her gaze and his eyes searched hers. She had the overbearing urge to run into his arms and fold herself into him, to let him take care of everything while she stood by, safe in his shadow. It would be easy to do that, to nod when he told her to, to smile when she was supposed to.

It would be easy, peaceful.

But Tara knew that she had to stand toe to toe with Jax to make anything between them work, even if it was only a friendship for John's sake.

"Hey" he said still watching her eyes for a reaction.

"Hey" she said.

"Kid get off to school okay?"

"Yea, he's one of the few that's excited to go."

He nodded his head and looked away from her. He was confused, and didn't know what to say to her without setting her off.

"So...you wanted me to come here because...?" she prodded.

"You just seem off. I just wanted to talk."

"Jax Teller wants to talk? Didn't see anything about hell freezing over today."

"What's going on with you Tara?"

"Not sure what you mean."

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and leaned against the car. "Night before last you are telling me you love me, yesterday and today you are avoiding me. Something's not right. What is it?"

"I just...I just realize that Abel is going to be leaving. I mean now there's two children to consider, and I have no control over what happens with one of them. It's not just us now."

Jax blew out a pent up breath. "That was one of the pluses of being with Wendy, she was usually too wasted to have these conversations."

"Yea. Well. I am painfully sober." she snapped back.

He held up a hand, telling her he did not want a fight. "Our shit was crazy Tara. The I-gotta-be-with-you-all-the-time-or-I'm-going-to-lose-my-mind kind of crazy. This can't be that." he looked away from her, " Shit, my feelings for you haven't changed. I could still go there with you. I just need a minute to figure all of this out."

She smiled at him, maybe his "I love you" from the other night wasn't a fluke.

"Okay, you can have a minute."

"Oh yea? Just one?" he asked slyly as he grabbed her hand and brought her closer to him. Her smiled widened as he brought her closer for a kiss. Their lips were a breath away when a familiar loud voice interrupted their moment.

"I knew it! Get the hell away from my husband bitch!" Wendy yelled from her car window. She opened the door, quickly got out of the car and jogged over to where Jax and Tara stood.

Tara couldn't stand in the face of Wendy's hatred so she gave Jax a quick kiss and climbed into her car. Wendy watched her as she drove across the lot. Just as she turned on to Main street Tara glanced in her rear view mirror, she could see Jax rubbing Wendy's arm and talking to her. She felt jealousy snake through her body and tried to bank it, but it lived in her chest, forming a stranglehold on her heart.

* * *

For the rest of the day Tara kept her distance from the Teller clan. She did not know how much more emotional abuse she could take before she snapped. After lunch she was paged down to the NICU, it was time to check Abel out.

Gemma was waiting in the room, hovering over Abel like a fallen angel when Tara walked in. Tara walked over to his plastic crib, and ignoring Gemma altogether, picked Abel up and kissed both his cheeks and his forehead.

"I'm going to miss you little man." she whispered. She felt tears welling up, threatening to spill over and she quickly handed Abel over to Gemma.

Gemma stared at her strangely for a moment and then looked down at Abel. The baby began to whine, and Tara immediately put a soothing hand on his forehead and began humming to him. His eyes focused in on her and he grew quiet.

Gemma was amazed, she had not realized the connection between the two.

Tara stepped back from a now content Abel and smiled. She loved this little boy and felt like her heart was being ripped from her chest knowing that she couldn't spend every minute with him.

Gemma started to walk out of the room and Tara followed her, when Gemma gave her a questioning look she said, "I'm required to see him to the door."

They walked in silence until Tara spied Wendy and Jax waiting together at the nurse's station. She cut her eyes at Gemma, now noticing the small smile that curved her lips.

"This has to be your most diabolical plan yet." Tara whispered harshly.

"You're going to have to be more specific." Gemma said sarcastically.

"Putting it into Wendy's head that she can win Jax back. That's a lot to lay on the shoulders of a recovering addict."

"I'm just trying to be supportive of her. Isn't that what you wanted? For the whole Teller clan to get behind Wendy?"

Tara snapped her mouth shut as they approached Wendy and Jax. Wendy eyes were digging daggers into the side of Tara's head, but Tara ignored her. She was too wrapped up in the happy expression playing across Jax's face as he held his son and told him that he was finally taking him home.

"Thanks Doc." Jax said with a huge smile.

"My pleasure." she replied. She looked at Abel and saw that he looked totally content in his father's arms. She tried to take some comfort in that, but could find very little. She looked away from them.

Jax frowned at her. What was eating at her now?

"You're coming tonight right? And bringing John?" he asked her as they moved as a group toward the elevator.

"Yea, I was wondering if I could drop him off after school. I have a few errands to run." she replied quietly.

"He's coming to the house tonight?" Wendy put in quickly.

"Yes. John is my son, he's apart of this family. Where we go, he goes." Jax said with finality.

Wendy looked away from him and stepped off of the elevator with her arms folded across her chest. It tore Tara in half that she didn't make a move to try and take Abel from Jax's arms.

Tara stopped at the door and watched them walk away.

The happy family.

Tears threatened again.

Jax turned and smiled at her, he paused and raised Abel's little hand in a baby salute to her. She laughed, her first real genuine laugh in two days and waved back. She turned and jogged back up the stairs to the doctor's locker room. She grabbed her things and stowed her white coat away.

It was time for her to go get John.

* * *

Tara walked into the front door of Jax's house and was greeted warmly. Several of the men she knew from the club acknowledged her with respectful nods. She saw John sitting in the middle of the living room floor with Ellie and Kenny. Her heart began to race.

The kids were there, which meant Donna was there. She walked over to John quickly and handed him his old MP3 players and his old laptop, she kissed his head and winked at Piney when he greeted her. She sat Abel's gifts down next to Gemma and greeted her with a nod. She rounded the corner quickly, and was drawn to the semi-circle of men and women in the corner of the kitchen.

She squeezed in between Opie and Jax and felt the familiarity of the spot sink into her skin. She glanced to Opie's left and locked eyes with Donna. Tara smiled at her and Donna smiled back, their earlier spat forgiven in silent mutual agreement.

She walked through the middle of the circle and approached Donna. They hugged and Tara dragged her over to the corner of the room.

"I'm sorry Donna." Tara said quietly. "I had no right to speak to you that way."

Donna shook Tara's arm making her friend look her in the eye. "You had every right, and you were right. I was bitter. I needed to get over my shit. Everything is going to be okay now."

Tara's eyes filled with tears. Donna hugged her again and whispered, "He never loved Wendy. She knows it. She hates you for it. Don't ever stop being there for Abel because of her."

Tara felt like a thousand pounds had lifted off of her shoulders. Finally, someone that understood.

She spoke quietly with Donna for a while, until Kenny and Ellie came running into the room with excited looks on their faces.

"MOM! John gave us these MP3 players, and his old laptop! They are awesome! He souped them for us. The laptop is faster than our desktop! Can we keep them?" Kenny said quickly.

"Yea please mom, this Ipod clip in awesome. He even preloaded a bunch of my favorite music. Can we keep them? Please?" Ellie begged while giving her mother her best pouty face.

Donna glanced at Tara and Tara took a sip of her beer and shrugged her shoulders, silently saying that she had no idea that this would happen.

John was a nice kid, but Tara had never known him to share his electronics. She frowned a little as she watched Ellie rub a finger gently over the Ipod clip. The girl had a faraway dreamy look in her eye. She bumped elbows with Donna and tipped her head toward Ellie.

Donna raised a brow and smiled at Tara.

They were both surprised.

"Sure kids, you can keep them. I hope you thanked John profusely for his generosity." Donna yelled after her kids as they jumped up and down excitedly and ran from the room.

"What was that all about?" Opie asked as he slipped his arms around Donna's waist and kissed her neck.

"John just gave Ellie and Kenny MP3 players and an old but "souped up" laptop." Tara said as Jax walked up to them. He draped an arm over Tara's shoulders and pulled her closer to him.

"That's my boy. The embodiment of generosity, just like his old man." he said with a smirk

Opie choked on his beer, and Tara laughed until she snorted.

Opie coughed "bullshit" into his hand, and Tara laughed harder.

"Tara and I think Ellie has a crush on John." Donna said.

This sobered Opie up quickly. He stood up straight and locked eyes with Jax.

Jax smirked at his friend. "Wouldn't it be great if we all ended up in-laws? Would be interesting sharing grandkids."

Opie's hand tightened on his beer bottle and all humor left his face. This was his baby they were talking about.

"Ellie doesn't like boys yet." he said quietly.

Tara laughed, "She's 9, of course she likes boys. I was doodling, "Mrs. Jackson Teller" all over my notebooks by that age."

"Were you now?" Jax said slyly and pulled her closer.

"Uh huh, but you know there's no accounting for nine year old taste."

Everyone laughed at that including Opie.

Tara was happy in this moment. She took a snap shot of it with her brain. Jax's crooked grin, his relaxed pose and his playful eyes. Donna's happiness and Opie's completeness. Everyone was happy in the moment, and Tara was almost sad when they moved away from it.

She glanced to her left and saw Wendy watching them from the doorway. Tara was getting tired of her staring at her that way, but she would not ruin Abel's coming home party over a cat fight. Jax glanced at Wendy and Tara immediately felt him tense.

He disentangled himself from her and walked out of the kitchen. Tara spoke with Donna and Opie for a moment longer and then walked out of the door Jax had just used. She spotted him on the sofa and noticed that Wendy was sitting across from him and not beside him.

John was winning at a computer game he was playing with Kenny and suddenly he jumped up and did his goofy victory dance and everyone in the room cheered him on.

Wendy cut her eyes at him and stared at him hard, and that was all it took for Tara. She walked over to sit on the arm of the chair next to Jax and leaned over. She knew she had Wendy's attention as she leaned over and kissed Jax on the lips.

The room was quiet as Tara pulled away from Jax and tipped her beer back to finish it off. She looked away from Jax and glanced at Wendy. The woman was on her feet and walking toward her.

Tara jumped up and advanced toward Wendy, she knew this would not end well, but she had to teach this woman a lesson about her son.

"Homewrecking bitch." Wendy spat.

"You're divorced. DIVORCED. Don't know how to spell that? It goes like this. D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D."

A few of the guys chuckled at that.

"I can spell slut."

"Spell whatever you want." Tara said. The 18 year old Tara came screaming out of her chest as she stepped into Wendy's space,"but if you cut your eyes at my son again. I'll rip your goddamned throat out."

Jax stepped in between them and turned to Tara. "Can I speak with you? In private?"

Tara barely spared him a glance. She kept her eyes on Wendy. Letting her know that her threat was serious.

Jax lead her down the short hall into the third door on the left.

As she walked in she realized this was to be Abel's nursery and as her eyes lit on the twin bed in the corner of the room, she realized it was to be John's room as well. She felt her throat begin to close.

The happy family.

Jax turned to her. He didn't seem to be angry, just a bit frustrated.

"Wendy's been sober for, like, a second. Can you please take it easy on her?"

"Why? So you guys can live together happily ever after?" she spat at him.

"No it's just that until we figure out whatever this thing is between us. I dont want to rock the boat too much."

"Whatever this _thing_ is?" she mocked.

"You know what I mean Tara."

She turned to leave but he tried to grab her arm to stop her. He couldn't leave it like this with her. He felt her tense and jerk away from him.

"Keep your hands off of me!" she hissed at him.

"You can't do this, you can't just walk away. We can't leave it like this." he said quietly.

"I knew this would happen. I knew it, but I bought into your bullshit." she shook her head and looked at the floor, oddly the carpet was a royal blue, normally it would have calmed her. "I was a stand in for her. Stand in mom, stand in pussy. Well, bravo Jax! Well played."

"This is fucking insane. You can't possibly think...-"

"Oh no I KNOW. You can't have John. He's MY son, and if you think she will ever be any type of good for Abel, you have another thing coming."

"She's trying to change."

"Bullshit. She got caught. Her so called change is born of fear. I lived with an addict most of my life. I know the fucking cycle. You want Abel caught up in it, be my guest, but leave John out of it!" she said as she spun on her heel to leave the room.

He grabbed her hand to pull her back to him, she screamed and slapped him hard. Jax didn't make a move to do anything, and Tara stood there in shock, hardly believing that she had just done that.

She turned from him and fled down the hallway. The party was in full swing again. Piney was trying to distract everyone from the dramatics by balancing a beer on Kenny's head.

Tara shoved her way into the kitchen and grabbed her purse, she turned toward the door, needing to get some from these people.

"Mom!" John yelled and ran out of the door behind her.

Tara turned to him in the doorway, tears were in her eyes, and John paused briefly. His protective instinct for his mother flooded over him and he turned an accusing eye on Jax. Jax stood back and let his son see the angry outline of Tara's handprint on his face.

John frowned at his father and shook his head. He followed his mother out the door and onto the sidewalk.

"Mom! Wait! Let me get my stuff and I'll come home with you.", he said quickly. He didn't want her to be alone.

"No, baby Donna said you could spend the night with Ellie and Kenny." she tried and failed for a weak smile. "Go have fun son."

She turned and climbed into her car and watched as John slowly made his way back into the house. She took a deep breath and let her head drop back against the seat of the car. He didn't need to be around her when she was like this. Donna would take care of him, and she would come get him in the morning.

Everything would be better tomorrow.

* * *

Tara heard the bike before she saw it tailing her. She instantly knew it wasn't Jax, even before she glanced in her rear view mirror and saw Juice following her.

He pulled into her driveway next to her, and waited as Tara gathered her courage and sucked up her tears before she got out of the car.

She walked over to her front door without saying a word and he followed her into the house. She tossed her keys down and walked into the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee. She walked out into the livingroom and sat on the couch across from him, and stared at the floor.

"You wanna talk about it?" Juice asked her tentatively.

Tara didn't reply, just stared at the floor. He sighed and sat back on the couch.

Tara finally looked over at him. "Am I on suicide watch or something?" she asked harshly.

Juice gave her a cocky smile, "Nah, nothing like that. Jax just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

"Well that was sweet of him." she said sarcastically.

"Nah, sweet would've been him coming after you himself. Jax isn't much on sweet."

"He has his moments." she said defensively.

Juice shook his head at her and finally locked her eyes with his. She noticed for the first time that in dim light his eyes appeared to be deep, fathomless. "You slam him one minute, the next you defend him. You've got it bad, doc."

Tara didn't reply, she just wrapped her arms around herself.

"It's okay. He's got it bad for you too."

She looked at him and gave a slight smile.

"I heard that slap. Felt good huh?"

Tara nodded, and despite herself, she smiled.

"I wouldn't have normally stayed like this. For someone else. I would've watched you walk in your door and hightailed it, but I think you are something special to this club. To Jax."

Tara looked at him and frowned.

He smiled at her, "I'm not hitting on you. Just stating fact. Compared to how he is now, Jax was a walking corpse before you came back. The change was instant. He's better this way. You've got to stick by him. Good. Bad. Ugly. Cause like it or not John is next in line after Jax, but Jax has to be the one to make the club better, stronger. It all starts with you."

"I'm not the answer to his problems, just an exacerbation of them." Tara said quietly.

"Nah, doc you are the key. You open him up, get him mixed up. It's a good thing."

"Gemma doesn't think so."

"Maybe not, but you've been down that road before. She loves you too; for raising John well and taking care of Abel if not for anything else."

Tara sat quietly and realized that some of what Juice was saying was probably right. She smiled at him, he was really a nice man. "Why are you helping me?"

"Because I dont want to see my club crumble. I want to make it better, and because I like John. He's a cool kid. I'm betting he got some of that from you?"

Tara laughed and stood up, she decided to go back to Jax's and try to make amends with Gemma and Wendy. An uneasy truce is better than no truce.

"You also remind me of my little sister. She was smart and full of courage. Just like you doc." he said with a faraway look in his eye.

"Where is she?" Tara asked.

"In New York. Lincoln cemetery. She was shot five times in an "accidental" shooting by NYPD. She was out with friends, celebrating getting into Columbia Law. She was my only family, mom was all cracked out, dad split."

Tara put her hand on his shoulder as they walked out of the door. "I'm so sorry Juice."

"Don't be. She's in a much better place than this world could ever be."

* * *

Tara drove quickly back to Jax's. She was running different scenarios in her brain, trying to figure out how she was going to make peace with the two women that drove her crazy. She was just working out a plan when she noticed Opie's truck pull up to the intersection across from her. She smiled, intending to wave at him as she passed by him, but then she heard four low pops and the sound of glass breaking. Instinctively she dived for the floorboard of her car, she heard a car speed away and she dared to risk peeking above the dashboard.

She heard the endless sound of a horn and saw the bullet holes and shattered glass that littered the windshield of Opie's truck. She was out of the car and across the intersection before she could think better of it.

She pulled the door of the truck open and felt her heart instantly shatter in her chest. Her tears were instant, her body frozen. As she observed the bullet holes in the back of Donna's head the doctor in her knew that there was nothing she could do to save her. She knew she was likely already gone, but part of her that had loved Donna since they were five screamed for Juice to come help her lift her body from the truck. This part of her began to preform resuscitating CPR on Donna. This part of her screamed at Juice to hold her legs up, to call 911. This part of her wrapped her arms around her friend and cried, reliving every good and bad moment they shared.

She was awash with regret over the last 11 years that had been wasted. When she felt Juice pulling her away from Donna's body she screamed at him, she screamed at God. She sang their favorite song from high school, she begged her to come to back, she told her she loved her and asked her for forgiveness for leaving her alone in Charming for so long.

Her face was awash with tears and Donna's blood. She didn't care. Her mind was in shock, she could not believe that this rapidly cooling body was Donna's.

This couldn't be her.

This had to be a dream. She pinched herself but only felt a prick.

She lay down on the ground next to her best friend, her sister and held her for the last time.

Juice lifted her away from Donna's body as flashing lights began to surround them. He carried her over to the corner farthest away from the truck and let her cry into his chest. He watched as Opie sped onto the scene, as he ran to Donna's body. He turned Tara away from the sight, shielding her from it with his body.

Tara felt herself passed from one set of strong arms to the next. The voices sounded like buzzing to her ears and she saw out of the corner of her eye as they covered Donna's body with a white sheet.

A sob escaped her chest as reality came crashing down on her again. She jumped out of the arms that held her and ran over to Donna.

Why were they covering her? Why were they treating her like she was a piece of meat, a nameless nothing with no past or future?

Donna had a future. Donna was beautiful and bright, and loving a smart. She was an artist, a mother, a friend and a wife. People loved her.

She wasn't nothing. So why were they treating her that way.

Tara was crushed in a stronghold before she could make it back to Donna, and she kicked and screamed and wept until her voice became hoarse and she couldn't move a muscle.

She was surrounded by a familiar scent, she knew in the back of her mind that it was Jax, but she couldn't acknowledge it. She couldn't acknowledge anything. She couldn't feel, couldn't see.

She heard Gemma's voice, saw her face briefly and felt herself being settled down into warmth and softness. She felt his arms go around her, but she couldn't feel it. Nothing was real. She heard his sobs, for he too had lost a childhood friend, and all she could do was hold him close.

Nothing felt right, nothing felt real.

Would anything ever be alright again?

* * *

Tara woke up with her body wrapped around Jax's body. She had no idea where she was, and for a minute she thought it was all a nightmare. She pulled herself away from him and stood, and was immediately hit by the stench of blood. She looked down at her clothes and saw the dried red stains there. She looked over at Jax and saw that he was still fully clothed as well. She looked around the room and realized that they must be at his house.

She made her way down the hall and began searching her pockets for her keys. She had to get out there, she had to get John and get out of Charming.

There was no safety here. There was nothing here.

She felt tears begin to threaten as she thought of Donna, and she had to lean again the doorway leading into the kitchen to catch her breath.

Donna.

Was gone.

Tara sank to her knees and wrapped her arms around herself.

What was she going to do?

"Tara." A familiar voice said above her head. Tara looked up and saw Gemma hovering above her. She helped Tara to her feet, but Tara could not meet her gaze. She could not look at her and see accusation.

Gemma shook Tara slightly. "Tara!"

Tara finally looked at Gemma and her eyes immediately filled with tears. "I'm so sorry Gemma, so sorry."

"Why baby? Why are you sorry?"

"She was my best friend, my sister. I'm a doctor. I'm trained to save lives. I couldn't save her."

Gemma shook Tara again, "Don't do that. Don't put this on yourself. This isn't your fault. The blame doesn't belong to any of us."

Tara shook her head and looked at the floor. "I've got to go. I've got to get out of here. Where's John?"

Gemma released Tara and paced to the door on the opposite wall leading to the garage. "You're just going to leave my boy? My grandson?" she asked harshly.

Tara hugged herself and frowned. Her mind was buzzing, her vision wasn't clear, and clearly she needed to get her hearing checked. "You hate me Gemma. I'd expect you to be dancing with ungodly relief right now."

"God damnit Tara! When are you going to learn? You've got him all tied up in knots. He LOVES YOU. You're it for him. That junky whore will never compare."

Tara shook her head and put a balancing hand on the counter to steady herself. "I'm confused."

"When he brought you in here last night he wouldn't let anyone else touch you, breath on you. He took you to bed and didn't leave your side. When the chips are down he looks for you. When he's hurting and needs to feel whole again he turns to YOU."

Tara took a deep breath and tried to dig for some emotion. It was hard but she managed it, "We can't stay here. What if it is Jax laid out in the street next? What if a bullet hits him in a place that and I can't bring him back?"

"What if?" Gemma asked.

"How could I go on Gemma?" Tara asked. The very thought sent tears coursing down her cheeks.

"You go on, you push forward. You have John. You have Abel. You have your boys to think about Tara."

Tara only shook her head and averted her gaze from Gemma again.

Gemma stared at her in disappointment. Maybe she just needed time, but time was not on their side. Shit was going sideways too fast, and if Tara left Gemma had no idea what Jax would do. She walked over to the table in the middle of the room and threw the bag of clothes that was sitting on it at Tara.

"You have clothes in there. Thought you might like to change." Gemma said.

Tara grabbed the bag and turned on her heel to leave the room.

"At least let us say goodbye to John before you leave this time." Gemma said to her back.

Tara didn't stop she walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. She avoided the mirror and quickly jumped into the shower. She had to do this. She had to protect John, she had to protect herself.

This life was too crazy, she didn't understand it.

She didn't want it.

Jax was waiting for her when she emerged from the bathroom. He was leaning against his bedroom door, staring at the ground.

She avoided his eyes. "Could you get John from Do...umm Opie's please?" her voice shook as she tripped over Donna's name. She was not ready to say it. Not yet, maybe never.

"Yea." he replied.

"I have a late shift, since it's a weekend can he stay here? I won't be home until late night early morning."

"Of course Tara, but should you be going to work? Can't you take a personal day?"

"Yes, of course I can. If John is an issue, you can drop him at the hospital. He can hang in the doctor's lounge until I'm done." she said quickly. She stared at his shoulder. She couldn't look at him.

"No! It's not an issue. I'm worried about you. You have to take care of you Tara."

Finally she looked at him. "I will take care of me."

* * *

At work Tara took solace in the children and infants she was caring for. They calmed her, made her feel normal, like she had a purpose. She worked mindlessly, she had no idea of the time and only ate once when a fainting spell had one of her fellow doctor's shoving a salad down her throat.

Everyone asked her the same question Jax asked.

Shouldn't she be taking a personal day? They all knew about Donna. She could hear them whispering behind her back. She could see it in their faces when she walked into a room and the conversation stopped.

She only replied that this was the only thing that would keep her calm, and it did. Until late night turned into early morning and she spotted Jax sitting nervously on a bench beside the nurse's station waiting for her.

He walked up to her and asked her if he could have a moment, she nodded her consent and lead him to a waiting room. She sat in a chair against the wall and he sat next to her.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Only took comfort in one another's presence.

"I'm so, so sorry about Do...Don.." tears started falling from her eyes. She couldn't finish. She still couldn't say her name.

Jax grabbed her hand, "Why are you sorry?"

"I couldn't help her. I tried. I knew it was a loss, but I tried anyway." she squeezed her eyes shut reliving the scene of Donna's death again, " God, I tried. I couldn't help her."

"This isn't on you Tara. You aren't responsible here."

"It's what I'm trained to do Jax. I'm trained to save lives."

"You aren't God, you couldn't bring her back Tara. By the time you got to her she was already gone."

She sighed and pulled away from him. She ran a hand through her hair, dislodging the clip that held it in place. "I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to say what I said...and hitting you was totally out of line."

"What you said was true. I just want to see Wendy get better, be some sort of mother to Abel."

"I know." she whispered.

She grabbed his hand again and brought it to her lips. She stared at her feet and tried to find the courage and will to leave him again.

"Jax, I think you are a strong, wonderful man that tries to do as much good in the world as he can, but you live in a world that I will never fully understand." she said quietly still not able to meet his gaze, "I called Rush med this morning and they are willing to take me back." she felt him pull away from her and finally she looked up at him. He was staring at the wall, a sad, frustrated look on his face.

"I think it's the best choice, Jax."

He laughed harshly and shook his head. "Best choice for who?"

"For John, for me. I'm not good here, we're no good here Jax." she said passionately. She desperately wanted to believe the words, but somehow Gemma's voice was playing over the top of hers.

He laughed again and turned to her, "Dont you ever get tired of it?" he asked

"What?"

"Running." He stood and paced to the wall farthest from her, " Anytime anyone pushes you, tests your loyalty. Little Tara packs her bags! Well I guess that's fine then, you got me to do your dirty work for you..-"

"That's not fair! I told you to stay out of it!" she said as she rose to her feet.

"Not fair! Nor fair, Tara? Really?" he paced back over to her and got right in her face. "I have a son that I spent 10 years of my life in the dark about!"

"I did what I thought was best!"

"Maybe your best isn't good enough. When you came back, brought John with you I thought it was some sort of sign from God. Like my past was coming back 'round to give me another chance. To do things better, do things right. That chance is on it's way back to Chicago"

"I'm not having this conversation with you!"

"Yes, you are. You wanna talk about fair? Do you know how many women I have slept with over the last 11 years?"

"DONT DO THIS!" she said quickly. She didn't want to know, didn't want her suspicions confirmed.

"Hundreds, maybe more. I barely see their faces." he locked eyes with her, "I got married because I was lonely, I got tired of the endless disconnect, but it was just a sad timeout! Because when I'm inside somebody there's only one face I see."

Tara's breath caught and she looked at him with wide eyes. He was laying it out for her, in undeniable terms. Gemma had been right.

She was it for him.

Tara opened her mouth to say something to him, anything; but he was grabbing her and pulling her to him. He kissed her hard on the lips and before she had time to react he was pulling away.

"I'll see you around doc." he said and turned away from her and walked out of the room. She watched as he wiped her taste from his mouth, watched as he walked down the hall away from her.

She sank to the chair and buried her face in her hands.

Gemmma had been right.

* * *

Tara left the hospital later that day. She was exhausted by the time she pulled into Jax's driveway, but she wanted to get John. She knew that he knew by now, and that he was probably worried sick. She went to the door and knocked lightly, hoping not to disturb Abel. Wendy answer the door and hollered over her shoulder for to John that she was there.

John came to the door quickly and gave Tara a smile and a big hard hug. Tara thanked Wendy for taking of care of him to which Wendy rolled her eyes and slammed the door.

Tara rubbed John's shoulder and walked him over to the car. They got in and drove home.

As soon as Tara walked through the door of her room she pulled out her suitcases. She began packing and then realized how tired she was. She fell asleep in bed still fully clothed, her suitcase open and half packed.

John came into the room sometime after she passed out. He removed her shoes and covered her with a blanket. He took her clothes out of the suitcase and zipped it back up. He pushed it under the bed and turned the light off.

John loved Charming. No matter the dangers. He wasn't going to leave without a fight.

* * *

Bikes lined the street in front of Teller-Marrow by the time Tara and John got there the next morning. Tara parked on the street and walked with John into the entrance. She spotted Opie standing near his bike and she walked over to him. He stood when he saw her and they stared at one another.

Tara began to tear up and Opie embraced her. "I'm so sorry Opie."

"It's not your fault Tara. Jax told me the bullshit that was rolling around in your brain. Donna was happy to have you back. Your being here gave her measure of joy and peace."

Tara felt fat tears roll down her cheeks, she tried but she couldn't stop them. She released Opie and wished that there was something she could do to erase the look from his face.

"If there's anything you need Opie. I'm here." she said. They watched as John walked over to Ellie and embraced her. He kissed the side of her head and rubbed her back. Tara looked up at Opie, he didn't look angry. Just relieved.

"That's the first time since it happened that she's stopped crying." he whispered.

Tara nodded, remembering the cool balm that Jax's presence had brought her after her mother passed away.

Bikes began to roar to life and Tara walked over to John so that they could get back in their car so they could get in line.

She saw Juice as she was walking back to her car. She noticed that he had a cut draped over his arm, she frowned at him and he shook his head.

* * *

At the cemetery Tara tried to stand at the back of the crowd, but Opie and Mary pulled her forward, saying that if anyone was ever Donna's family. It was her. She and John in the front row of seats. Juice stood next to her on her right and John sat on her left. She stared at Donna's grave. Remembering her friend's last words to her.

She had said that Abel needed her, that Jax needed her. What Donna did not know is how much Tara and John needed both of them.

She was starting to worry about Jax when a fleck of white catch the corner of her eye. She turned her head and watched as Jax approached their group. She stood and took the leather cut from Juice's hands. He let it go willingly, giving her a little smile of encouragement.

John rose with her but stood back as she approached Jax.

They stood there staring at one another. She could feel Gemma's eyes on them, and she briefly glanced at her not caring whether she saw approval or scorn there.

She turned back to Jax and opened the cut for him. He raised an eyebrow and she held it up for him. He turned around and let her put it on his back.

He turned back around and looked at her. She glanced briefly at his lip, noting it as superficial she pulled him to her and kissed the good side of his mouth.

He wrapped his arms around her and looked down at her. He looked over at John and nodded.

"Yea." he said.

Tara smiled slightly and walked beside him back to Donna's grave.

She stood next to John and watched as he walked to the pile of flowers in front of Donna's grave and picked one up. He kissed it, saying a silent goodbye to his childhood friend.

Tara frowned as she observed the look he aimed in Clay's direction. He placed the flower on Donna's casket, and turned his back to his mother and Clay. He walked over to John and touched his shoulder, without a word John turned and followed him.

They walked across the cemetery. John was on the verge of asking where they were going when they stopped.

He read the headstone in front of them.

**Thomas Wayne Teller**

**1986-1992 **

John looked over at his father and Jax nodded at him, reading his mind. This was his uncle, the baby that the mere mention of made his grandmother wring her hands and tear up.

John turned his head as he heard someone approaching them. He saw that it was Piney and relaxed.

The old man handed Jax and large manila envelope and nodded at John. He looked his father in the eye and said, "Time for a change."

He squeezed John's shoulder and John watched as Jax pulled the contents of the envelope out. Jax scanned it briefly and handed it all to John. He lit his cigarette and began walking toward a different area of the cemetery.

John followed him, knowing without having to be told that his father wanted him nearby. The walked until the reached a part of the cemetery where all the headstones looked alike. They were all small and rectangular. They stopped in front of one and John read the words:

**John Thomas Teller **

**1947- 1994**

**"We fight because we believe"**

He knew for sure that this was his grandfather's grave. He touched the headstone this time, and could have sworn that he felt something move through his arm. He felt connected here. He decided right then that he would stand by his father, no matter what.

Jax touched his shoulder, as if reading his mind again, and looked over at him.

"Yea."

* * *

Tara wandered around the cemetery looking for John and Jax, she knew without knowing where they would be. She walked toward Big John's grave blindly, knowing the way with her eyes closed.

She watched as John touched the headstone, and she knew that he felt something in the way his stance changed. His body seemed to align completely with Jax's. Jax touched his shoulder just as Tara finished picking her way across the grass in her heels.

"We're going to go back to Opie's for a quick reception." she said quietly.

Jax nodded and walked over to her. He kissed her, softly this time. She looked up at him and smiled, her eyes told him everything he needed to know.

"I love you." he said without looking away from her.

The power of those words hit her hard. "I love you" she said and slipped her arm around his waist.

They walked back to the cutlass and Jax drove them to Opie's house.

They were one of the first to arrive.

Jax walked out into the backyard to talk to Piney and Opie; John went to look for Ellie and Kenny and Tara wandered into the kitchen and found Gemma, Wendy and Mary preparing food. Mary spotted her and walked over to her. She gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Your boy is being wonderful to Ellie. He actually made her smile. You did a good job with him." she said.

"Thank you Mary. Can I help with anything?"

"Yes, get the desserts out and cut for serving, but make sure to put them back so that they dont get warm."

"Alright."

They worked in tense silence. Wendy chopped at the vegetables viciously, each clicked on the cutting board working a new nerve in Tara's head.

The bitch would turn Donna's funeral into the Wendy Show.

Tara put the last pie back into the fridge. She washed her hands and then walked over to Wendy.

"You got something to say, say it now, before everyone gets here. So this isn't a repeat of Abel's party." she said in a low voice.

"You have your goddamned nerve. Coming to the funeral, kissing him, showing off that bastard son of yours...-"

"Careful Wendy." Gemma said.

Tara leaned into Wendy's face and smiled at her, "Jax is mine. Always has been, always will be. You can keep throwing your pussy at him, but when it counts he'll be with me. Two years of you didn't change that, and one more day of you won't either."

Wendy's mouth dropped opened. She turned to Gemma for help but Gemma was grinning big and strong at Tara.

"Stupid bitch! Get out." Wendy fumed in Tara's face.

"You have no say here. This is MY FRIEND'S house. My sister's house. I've always been apart of this family. That won't ever change. No matter how many times Gemma calls me bitch behind my back. Now, you can play nice, and we'll let you stay around the family. Let you spend time with Abel before your next stint of rehab. OR. I can boot your ass out the door. Your call."

Wendy looked at Gemma and saw that she wasn't getting help from the corner. She looked at Mary, but Mary had her arms folded and was all but growling at her.

She looked down at her hands and back at Tara. She held her gaze, hoping to stare her down. Tara raised an eyebrow but her gaze never wavered.

Wendy looked down at her hands again, and thought about her options.

She began chopping vegetables again.

Tara didn't gloat, she simply told Mary and Gemma she was going to check on Abel and she walked out of the kitchen door.

Gemma stared after her.

It was good to get some of the old Tara back.


	13. Community Servant

A/N: Well hello there, had a bit of free time today and decided to knock out the next chapter. Told you guys, I'm never giving up on this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own any SOA characters.

**Oh you're in my veins**

** And I cannot get you out**

** Oh you're all I taste**

** At night inside of my mouth**

** Oh you run away**

** Cause I am not what you found**

** Oh you're in my veins**

** And I cannot get you out.**

**-Andrew Belle**

Tara found Abel lying in the middle of a pile of strategically placed pillows in the middle of Opie's king sized bed. She sat down on the edge of it and tried to hold onto her emotions as Donna's perfume waft up from the flower patterned comforter.

She rubbed a gentle hand over Abel's stomach as Donna's last words floated through her mind.

_Don't ever stop being there for Abel._

Fat, hot tears slid down her cheeks as the enormity of Donna's loss hit her. Opie would need support. Ellie and Kenny would need a strong mother figure.

She knew it had to be her. Mary, as sweet as she was being now, had never been much of a mother. Gemma would help, but her generosity only went so far with people outside of Jax.

That left Tara, who wouldn't view it as a chore or obligation but a privilege.

Abel snorted softly in his sleep and tucked his face against his arm, the move was so like Jax that Tara found herself smiling before she could think of it.

She loved this little boy. From the moment she laid eyes on him, had taken him from Wendy's body and cradled him in her protective embrace he was her's.

Would always be her's.

"They're always easy to love at that age." Gemma said from the doorway.

Tara jumped at turned toward the door. She took in Gemma's relaxed pose and easy voice. Most people would mistake the easy smile and friendly pose as Gemma being nice.

Tara knew better.

She stood and casually walked over to the end of the bed.

"You know, I'm not in mood for a battle today Gemma. It's just been rough."

"Oh no battle sweetheart. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on."

"With?", Tara asked even though she knew.

"You and Jax."

"Gemma...-"

Gemma held up a hand and smiled at Tara, "Hear me out. I know you love him. Probably have since you were 16."

Tara laughed lightly because to Gemma she would always just be Jax's high school sweetheart.

Nothing more, and nothing less.

"What's between me and Jax is our business Gemma." Tara said quietly.

"How does that play out?" she asked as she moved closer to Tara, "You saving little kids during the day, patching up bullet wounds at night?"

Tara held up a hand and closed her eyes. She couldn't stand to hear any more of Gemma's objections, especially when they sounded so much like her own.

"Okay, I get it, you don't want me and Jax together. We've done this dance before."

"No, sweetheart I don't think we've done this before." Gemma said harshly. She could feel the old anger and hurt rising to the surface."Jax needs steady, and strong. Not iffy and weak."

Tara walked across the room and got in Gemma's face, she held her eyes and didn't back down when Gemma rose up to her full height.

"I am what's best for Jax, for Abel. You think I'm just some pussy that caught his eye for a while? Someone that he can't have so he is more interested in? I love him, but more importantly I love Abel. If Jax and I fall apart I'll still be there for him. Can you say that for Wendy? What happens the next time she gets pissed?"

When Gemma didn't reply Tara shook her head and started to step around her. Gemma grabbed her arm and Tara tensed up prepared to defend herself if necessary.

"I know he loves you. You weren't here the first time, your leaving nearly destroyed him and the family."

Tara was taken aback by Gemma's statement about the family. She pulled her arm away from Gemma's grasp and stepped back.

"It wasn't easy for me either, but I'm not leaving this time. I'm sticking. I've done what I need to do." Tara said quietly as she turned toward the door to leave the room.

She came to a stop when she saw Jax leaning against the door jab. He was looking over her head at Gemma. His eyes were hard, but resolved.

Tara felt Gemma move behind her, and then watched as Jax moved back to allow her to walk out of the room.

She heard Abel begin to fuss so she went to the bed and picked him up. He snuggled into her chest, settling down immediately. Jax watched her for a moment and then moved into the room. He went to the dresser and picked up the picture of Donna and Opie that was sitting on the dresser.

Tara kissed the top of Abel's head.

Jax put the picture down and walked toward her. He ran a hand down Abel's back and then looked up at her. His eyes were intense, so clear that Tara felt she could see his soul. He looked vulnerable, open.

Tara smiled at him, he smiled back hesitantly and ran a hand down her hair.

He shook his head as he stared down at her. He felt steady when he was close to her, he felt sure. When he was away from her he was afraid, scared shit-less that she would realize that this town, this life was not good enough for her.

He was in awe of her, of her will, of her ability to see something and do it, accomplish it without wavering from her goal.

"How did you do it?" he asked her, startling her out of her own daydreams.

"Do what?" she said on a sigh.

"How did you make it through college and med school with a baby? How did you make that dream happen?"

Tara looked at him for a moment, her brow furrowed slightly and her eyes got the faraway dreamy quality that told of her dissecting an idea in her head.

"Being a doctor is like breathing to me. It feels effortless, and sometimes unreal. It was like being held back from a missing piece of myself and struggling and struggling to get it. You just do it. You find a way to do it and come out on the other side sane and in one piece."

Jax was in shock, he had never known what becoming a doctor meant to her. It was as if she stolen the words from his heart on how he felt about the club. He watched her mouth curve as she laughed slightly.

"Of course I had help, don't know what I would've done without Marley." she said as her lips curved into a huge smile.

Jealousy snaked through Jax like lightening through a tree, and embedded itself in his chest.

Who the hell is this Marley guy that had her smiling with such affection?, he thought bitterly. He had been going with the assumption that Kohn was the one and only guy she had been serious with since she left Charming.

He reached over and took Abel from her arms and then stepped back from her.

Had some other man being playing daddy to John all these years? he thought with a twist in his gut. He could feel his anger rising at Tara. The happy expression on her face only worked to twist the knife in his back.

"How long did you have Marley's so called help?" he asked as he looked away from her and kissed the top of Abel's head.

Tara frowned at him and backed up from him. She took in his suddenly closed off expression and angry stance and searched for possible reasons for it.

"We met in college, lived together through the second year of my internship." she said in confusion.

Ten years?, Jax thought as fire shot through his blood.

"We were both pre-med and formed a fast friendship when I got to San Diego. If it wasn't for Marley I never would have survived all the medical crap with John after he was born."

"What medical crap?"

"The walls of his left ventricle were dilated so much that his heart was barely pumping after he was born. He spent the first three months in the hospital until he was finally lucky enough to receive a transplant."

"Jesus Christ Tara, I'm sorry, I never realized. I mean I knew he had problems, but a transplant? He is so healthy." he walked back over to her and hugged her with his free arm.

He felt like an asshole for judging her for seeking comfort during a time like that. He wasn't perfect, who was he to judge her?

Tara stepped back from him and rubbed a hand over Abel's head.

"I meant it you know, I'll be here for Abel no matter what." she said quietly wondering if that is what made him close up so fast.

"I know" he said in an apologetic tone, "I'm glad you had someone to be close to."

Tara frowned at him and gave him a confused smile.

"I'm not sure I'm following." she said wondering where she had lost him.

Jax closed his eyes and buried his face in Abel's blond curls.

"It's just, I remember what it was like to be away from you. How bored and lonely it got, so I understand, you going for another guy so quick after you left." he mumbled into Abel's hair.

Tara's mouth dropped open and everything clicked into place. She stood there looking at Jax's profile while annoyance, hurt and amusement played through her body.

"I'm not sure if I should be annoyed that you assumed I would throw a relationship like that in your face, or amused that you went there so fast after telling me of the hundreds of women that you've had over the years." she finally said to him.

His head snapped up and his eyes narrowed. "I'm just saying that I'm glad you had someone", he snapped at her.

Tara slashed her hand through the air. "Do you even know me?" she asked in annoyance as she moved toward the door.

Jax grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him and she rounded on him.

"I spent hour after hour, day after day missing you so much that I was literally physically ill from it. I got in my car and drove to the Charming city limits so many times for the first seven years we were living in California that I lost count", she said as her throat began to close over and the tears began to build, "I felt like a ghost of myself everyday until I came back here. Do you actually think I could immediately jump into the arms of the first man that came along and sustain a ten year relationship with him?"

Jax wiped a tear off of her cheek and hugged her with his free arm. He felt like a complete ass for making her cry over something so stupid.

"I'm sorry Tara."

She shook her head and buried her face in his neck.

"Marley has been my best friend for the last ten years. _She_ is like a sister to me and a second mother to John." Tara mumbled into his neck.

Jax pulled away from her and laid Abel back on the bed. His son kicked his legs at him and waved his fist in the air. Jax turned from him and walked over to Tara. He wrapped her in his arms and breathe a sigh of relief when she came willingly.

"I thought. Never mind what I thought. I'm an ass. Let's start over ", he said into her hair.

"Okay", she whispered.

He pulled back from her and walked backward three steps, then he smiled and walked toward her again. Tara laughed at the expression on his face. He grabbed her hands and kissed them.

"Tara! I had no idea you were back here! God it's so good to see you after such a stressful and sad day", he said with an innocent expression and a ghost of a smile.

"Umm, yea hi Jax ", she said over a giggle.

He grinned at her and pulled her to him. He grabbed her face and pressed his lips against hers. When he felt her begin to relax he pulled back from her and looked down into her eyes.

"Marley's a chick?", he asked hopefully.

She laughed at him and nodded her head.

"Thank god", he said with a huge grin and pulled her back in to finish the kiss.

* * *

Charming Middle School was a brick encased time capsule from the 1960's. The building had changed little in the fifty years it served the youth of Charming. The three large brick buildings that made up the front of the school stood as centennials against the decay and dirt that corroded the the out buildings of the school.

Tara pulled into the circular driveway in front of the school. She parked next to the curb and took in her surroundings. She was half dead from the 16 hour shift she had just pulled at the hospital and the last place she wanted to be going was principle's office of this dinosaur of a school.

Here she was though, roused from her beautiful black out sleep by an order from the principle to come to the school to discuss John's "behavior". Tara yawned and ran a hand through her thick tousled hair.

She got out of the car and walked through the double doors located at the front of the school. She was immediately assaulted by the smell of day old pizza and burnt french fries and she had to blink to adjust her eyes to the dimly lit hallway.

She spied John sitting on a metal bench that was situated in the middle of the hallway. She walked over to him and looked down at him. His lip was bloody and swollen, he white reaper shirt was torn and covered with blood.

He looked up at her with a look of defiance so like Jax's that she had to take a step back and sweep her eyes over the rest of him to make sure it was indeed her son that she was looking down at.

She grabbed his chin and surveyed his lip.

"You okay?" she asked him quietly.

He pulled his face away from her and nodded his head.

Tara looked down at him in annoyance. She stepped around him and pulled open the door to, what she assumed was, the principles office. She walked over to the desk situated in the middle of the room and told the gray haired, kind faced secretary her name and John's name.

The older woman told her to have a seat, but before Tara could make it across the room the door to the principles office swung open. A tall, thin young looking black man stood framed in the doorway.

He swept Tara's frame up and down with his eyes and then walked over to her with his hand held out. He introduced himself as Anthony Thomas, and Tara started to introduce herself but he was already turning from her and walking into his office.

Tara tugged on the hem of her beat up SAMCRO t-shirt and looked down at her flip flops and ratty jeans. After the phone call she just threw on whatever was at hand and clean, now she regretted that decision.

She followed the principle into his office and took the seat across from his desk.

"You'll have to excuse my appearance", she said self consciously, "I worked late last night."

He lifted an eyebrow but did not reply. He opened the folder sitting on his desk and raised the other eyebrow. He steepled his fingers in front of his face and finally looked up at Tara.

"Mrs. Teller..-" he began.

"Knowles", she interrupted.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"Indeed", he said in a voice bordering on snide, "John attacked a group of five boys today. He sent two of them to the hospital."

"Oh my god", Tara said in shock, "That is not like him at all."

"I can assure you that it was, in fact, him", he scoffed, " Two eye witnesses say that John started the fight, walked over to one of the boys and dumped his entire tray of food on his head."

"John would never...-" Tara began.

"But his did", the principle snapped at her, "I'm sure that your "night job" keeps you busy, but here at Charming Middle School we expect the parents to take an active role in the child's life _Miss_ Knowles."

Tara rose slowly from her seat and walked the two steps to the principle's desk.

"Actually, it's _**Doctor Knowles**_, and while I appreciate your concern for my son's welfare _principle_ Thomas I can assure you that my son is well taken care of. What I think you should be concerned about is your lack of information from your faculty and students."

"With all due respect...-"

"Let's not fool ourselves here", she interrupted quietly, "You have no respect for me. You see this t-shirt and a boy that got into a right of passage scuffle and you pass your little judgments."

"I'm going to have to ask..-"

"No you are not going to ask me anything _sir_", she said as she slashed her hand through the air, "My son is a straight A honor student that is two years ahead of his peers. That alone should have given you pause before pointing the finger of blame. Did you ever stop to ask yourself how a 10 year old boy could beat up five 12 year olds?"

He simply sat and stared at her. Tara smiled at him, but it was a joyless, angry smile.

"I'm going to take my son home and check his wounds while you get your story together for the board of education. I'm sure the superintendent would love to hear how you and your staff left my poor defenseless 10 year old son to fend for himself against a gang of seventh graders, some of which I am sure should be ninth graders. Especially considering that he is the son of the one of the leading and _only_ pediatric surgeons in this town."

She turned sharply on her heel and walked to the door. She closed it sharply and nodded at the secretary on her way out into the hall.

She didn't stop to look at John, she simply waved her hand at him and continued to storm out of the school. She got in the car and started it without waiting for him to get in, she pulled off when she heard him snap his seat belt into place.

She drove for ten minutes without saying a word to John. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and saw that he was looking down at his hands. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.

"Tell me what happened. I want the truth, all of it John", she said.

He blew out a breath and slammed his head against the headrest. He squeezed his eyes closed and rubbed a hand over his face.

"Okay, I was just eating lunch with Kenny, and we were talking about dragon con. These guys come over and start ragging on him about his mom."

Tara's heart sank at the mention of Donna, she felt anger move through her heart but tried to bank it.

"I told them to beat it", he continued, " But then Rob, the biggest boy, pushed me down and his friend pushed Kenny and then he said that it was probably dad that killed Kenny's mom."

John turned his head toward Tara. "I lost it. I know I'm not supposed to use the boxing stuff outside of the ring but it was like I couldn't control myself. I barely felt when they hit me back, before I knew it someone was yelling that the officers and principle were on their way. I pushed Kenny into the crowd away from the guy he was fighting and then the principle had me."

Tara leaned her head against her hand and drove with one hand. She massaged her temple in a poor attempt to calm herself down.

"John, why did you push Kenny out of the way? They are blaming you for all of this." she asked.

"Ever since his mom was killed he's been in detention, like, everyday mom. I mean she been gone for like a week, and he's had detention for 3 days. They are going to expel him if he gets into another fight." he said hesitantly.

Tara sighed and rubbed her temple harder as she pulled into the Teller-Marrow lot. What could she say to that? He was taking care of his friend, of someone she was sure he considered family.

"Am I really suspended mom?" he asked suddenly.

Tara turned and looked at him, he had never been in trouble before, she didn't even know how to treat this situation. She touched his hand and he turned to look at her.

"For now, yes, but I don't think this is fair or accurate treatment. So we'll see how it plays out." she said and watched as relief flooded over his face.

"Dad wouldn't have ever hurt Kenny's mom, would he?" he asked with a catch in his voice.

Tara frowned at him. Remembering that this is what made him lose control earlier.

"Your father is a good man baby, he loved Donna, he would have died to protect her."

John relaxed and nodded.

Jax walked out of the garage and frowned when he saw them sitting in the car. He wiped his hands as he walked over to them. Tara got out of the car and walked over to him. He kissed her and she felt herself immediately relax.

"I thought you were going to try to get some rest?" he asked her with a frown.

"I was trying, but your son decided it was a good time to take on half a dozen boys at school."

"What?" Jax asked as he turned toward the car.

John got out of the car and walked over to them. He had his head down and was shuffling his feet.

"John! Look at me son." Jax commanded

John glanced up hesitantly at Jax. His father stared down impassively at him.

"You took on six boys today?"

"Well...no more like three or four." John muttered. He was unsure of Jax's reaction. Would his father be pissed? Ban him from the garage?

Jax grabbed his shoulder and John tensed up.

"Three or four? Seventh graders?" he asked him. At John's nod a huge, shit-eating grin broke out across Jax's face.

"That's my boy!" Jax exclaimed as he brought John in for a hug.

Tara's mouth dropped open.

"What did you do? Did you use that footwork Sack taught you?" Jax asked him as he danced around John and threw fake punches at his shoulders.

John laughed as he watched his father. Of all of the reactions he was expecting, this was not one of them.

"Did you use some of the legwork I taught you? Did you sweep their feet out from under them, climb on top of them and take care of business?" Jax asked with a huge grin.

Jax began bouncing up and down as Chibbs walked over to them to see what the commotion was about. Jax wrapped an arm around Chibbs' shoulders and spun him in a circle.

"My son, my TEN YEAR OLD SON laid out six seventh graders today!" he exclaimed to Chibbs.

Tara's hands began flapping at her sides and her jaw dropped further as she watched Chibbs lift her suspended ten year old in the air over his head and exclaim that he was the champ.

"Aye, he's got those Teller genes. It was a strong street fighter John Teller was, and _is_ it seems!" he said as he sat John back on his feet.

"Well it was more like three...-" John began.

Chibbs laughed and patted John on the back.

"Time for your first beer boy-o!" he exclaimed.

Jax wrapped his arm around John's shoulders and began walking him toward the clubhouse. He caught sight of Tara's jaw on the ground and wildly flapping hands and came up short.

Ah shit, he thought.

He turned on John and put a finger in his face.

"That was very, very bad son", he admonished, "Next time don't do it in such a public place. Detention is not a good thing, and your mom wants you to go to college and cure cancer."

Tara grabbed two fist fulls of her hair and pulled.

"He was SUSPENDED!" she screamed at Jax's back.

He turned to face her with a frown.

"For a little fight? What the hell? Do I need to go talk to the principle?" he asked her.

"Nope, mom took care of him", John threw in with a smirk.

"Ugh...John I don't think..-" Tara said quickly.

"Oh she did, did she?" Jax interrupted.

"Yup, she told principle Thomas off. I mean the whole school must've heard her."

Jax laughed and looked over at Tara's red face. He walked over to her and grabbed her hand.

"We'll wait until his next fight for the beer okay?" he said with a smirk, "but seems like you need one."

"No, I need to go to bed. I told Gemma I would be getting Abel in two hours. I'm exhausted."

"Go up to the apartment and sleep. Abel is in the office with mom."

"I can take him up there with me, so she can work", she said as she started toward the office.

Jax jumped in front of her and grabbed her hands.

"Let mom have her grandmom time. She hasn't had much time with him since Wendy left", he said quietly.

Tara frowned at him, but relented. She followed him into the clubhouse and walked back to the apartments. An idea occurred to her and she ran out into the barroom.

"No liquor either!" she yelled at John and Jax. She smiled as she watched John's shoulders slump in defeat.

* * *

Tara was making her way across the service lot of St Thomas when she felt her cell phone begin to vibrate against her thigh. She pulled it out of her pocket and sighed when she saw Gemma's name flash across the screen.

"Yea", she said into the phone as she walked through the automatic doors of the hospital.

"Hey doc, I need you to pick Abel up at four I've got an appointment this afternoon", Gemma said quickly.

"I should be walking out of here at three so that shouldn't be a problem. Can you make sure John does all of his assignments? No goofing off while he is on suspension."

Tara and Gemma still weren't on the best of terms, but an unspoken truce was formed concerning anything having to do with Abel and John.

"Alright, don't be late", she ordered and then disconnected the line.

"You're welcome", Tara snapped out while stuffing the phone back into her pocket.

She moved through her day like a robot, finishing up thirty minutes early she all but danced out of the double doors leading to the service parking lot. She flew to Teller-Marrow, needing to see her boys and ground herself in reality.

She walked into the garage office and found John behind the computer typing and Abel asleep in his car seat in the corner.

"That better be homework", she said as a greeting to John.

"Chill mom, I'm just finishing my paper. I couldn't print it from my laptop because they don't have a wifi printer in the garage."

"Uh huh, hurry it up."

Tara plopped down in the seat across from Gemma's desk and waited for John to finish up. She pulled out her cell phone and sent a text to Jax asking him to meet her at the house in 30 minutes if he was free.

Juice walked into the office from the garage and stopped short when he saw Tara sprawled in the chair.

"Hey Tara", he said.

"Hey Juice, how's it going?" she said absently as she read Jax's return text.

"Going good, I was just looking for Gemm...-"

"God damnit!" she exclaimed.

"What is it?", Juice asked as he moved closer to her.

"Hmm, oh nothing. Just unexpected guests tonight, and I have two reports and presentation to get ready for tonight." she said distractedly.

"Who's coming over mom?" John asked without looking up from the computer.

"Kenny and Ellie are spending the night. Hope that's okay babe."

"Awesome! Yea that's great."

"You guys are gonna have to crash in the living room. No way are all three of you sleeping in that tiny room at your dad's house and keeping Abel up", she warned, "and you will have to feast on whatever is in the fridge."

"Sure mom. It's Friday night, pizza night anyway, we could just get a pizza on the way home."

"I could come over, entertain the kids and keep an eye on Abel while you work Tara", Juice offered.

She looked up at him with a frown as she stored her phone in her pocket.

"You sure you want to do that? You wanna spend your Friday night playing video games and changing diapers?" she asked him.

"He'd be playing games anyway mom", John said as he got up to get his printed homework off of the printer tray.

Tara shrugged, if it would keep the kids out of her hair for a couple of hours then it was fine by her.

"Sure Juice."

"Cool, I'll meet you there in ten. Can you give these keys to Gemma when you see her?" At Tara's nod of consent he dropped the keys into her hand and walked back out into the garage.

* * *

"Stupid piece of crap!" Tara exclaimed at her laptop as it failed to save her patient charts to her flash drive. She didn't have time for this, she had to get the presentation for the community improvement project done.

"What's up?" Juice said as he poked his head around the door leading from the kitchen into the living room.

"Well this waste of money machine won't work for me", she said, "I'm trying to save my patient charts to my flash drive so I can take them back to the hospital and upload them onto the computer there. You see? Then I get to keep my pissy supervisor off my ass and I get to pretend like I actually have time to do these things."

"Sounds simple enough, move over." he said as he gently nudged her out of the way.

Tara let out a frustrated sigh and walked over to the refrigerator to get a beer. When she turned around Juice was holding her flash drive up with a triumphant grin on his face.

"Done", he said.

"No way, I've been messing with that for 30 minutes, no way you did it in two", she said as she snatched the drive from him and popped it back into the computer. Her files immediately popped up and she let out a happy squeal.

"You are a computer genius Juice!"

"You know humans, I know computers", he said smugly.

She tucked the flash drive into her purse and opened the window that held her powerpoint presentation.

"What are you doing now?" he asked as he peeked over her shoulder.

"I'm proposing a community service project to the hospital committee tomorrow", she said absently, "Skate park/dirt bike range for the kids around here. Give them something to do besides playing video games, and being thugs."

"John rides dirt bikes?" he asked as he pointed to a picture of John on the back of his Kawasaki.

"Yup, has been for a few years now."

"You know if you used a different extension it would make the show so much more animated", he said as he reached around her and began flipping through screens and changing programming codes.

That's how Jax found them. Tara perched on a stool at his counter, with Juice standing beside her typing on her keyboard. Strangely, he was not jealous when he saw this, he was just happy that Tara was getting the help that she needed.

"That's brilliant Juice!" she exclaimed with her eyes glued to the screen of her computer. She propped her elbow on his shoulder and leaned closer to the computer. Juice smiled slightly and Jax decided it was time to make his presence known.

"A man is 2 hours late for dinner and you pick up another one and bring him home", he said in a joking tone. Tara pulled away from Juice and ran over to him with a smile on his face.

"Hey", she said as she kissed him.

"Hey yourself", he said as he held onto her hips and looked down into her eyes, "What's going on?"

"I was swamped with the kids, and Gemma was busy so Juice volunteered to come distract them while I worked. He was just helping me finish up my presentation for tomorrow."

"What's the presentation about?" he asked as he grabbed a cold slice of pizza from the nearly empty box and walked over to Juice.

"Well, the hospital committee has been making noise about being more involved in the community. So I decided to present them with the idea of a non-profit skate park for the kids."

"How does that work?" he asked around his pizza as he peered over Juice's shoulder.

"Well, if they accept it we do a few fundraisers, get some backers. We build the park, which is just laying concrete and forming dirt tracks, and then we get donations from the community leaders. Kids don't get charged much and the staff will mostly be volunteer workers. Marlene and I established one for Rush med during the first year of my residency. It worked beautifully, still is."

Jax slowly chewed his pizza, turning Tara's idea around in his head. Being community servants had always shined a positive light on the biking community. Shit, Jax thought, during their last poker run they had not seen one cop for over 200 miles.

The pizza hit his stomach at the same time as the idea took life in his brain.

"Shit!" he exclaimed.

"What's wrong?", Tara asked but Jax was already dragging Juice off of the stool and out of the back door.

"I'll be back later!" he said to her as the door slammed behind him.

* * *

"A project such as this will take a massive effort from the hospital to complete; however, it is my belief that this improvement will not only benefit the youth of this community but St. Thomas Community Hospital as well." Tara said as she flipped through the slides illuminated on the long, white screen.

She smiled as she came to a picture of John on the back of his dirt bike, surrounded by his friends from Chicago. Two of the boys in the picture, including John, were on the back of dirt bikes. The other children either held skate boards or BMX trick bikes.

Tara continued to flick through the slides of the pictures of the children at the skate park, showing the hospital committee the sense of community that seemed to surround the kids. She came to rest on the slide with the monetary statistics.

"As you can see," she continued,"It will be quite an expensive undertaking, but with the help of community fundraisers, donations and the help of the hospital's charity fund I think it is completely reasonable, and will bring the right kind of attention to our hospital."

Tara came to the end of her slide show and then hit the button to bring the lights back on. She turned to the hospital committee members who sat at the long, dark conference table and smiled. All of them smiled back at her, except one. A small, older, wrinkled, red haired woman by the name of Margret Murphey.

Tara knew this woman well, she was the hospital's administrator, and the new pain in Tara's ass.

Tara turned away from her unsmiling face and looked around the table, "Are there any questions?"

An older man by the name of Milton Dole raised a finger and smiled at her. "Let me first say that I believe this to be a wonderful idea Dr. Knowles, my only concern is how will the overhead from such an enterprise be managed?"

Tara gave the man a brilliant smile, "Well, the way it has been done in the past with such an enterprise as this is to charge a small entrance fee. In Chicago, Rush Hospital established the fee at fifty cents for 3 hours entrance and one dollar for all day entrance. The monitoring of the skate park was done mostly on a volunteer basis with just a manager and an assistant to see to the day to day needs of the park. It worked well, so well in fact that the park began to see a small profit after five years."

All of their eyes lit up at her mention of a small profit, her eyes lit on the red head again and she gave her a small smile. The red head raised her finger at Tara and Tara turned completely toward her.

"That's all well and good _Dr._ Knowles, but what about supplying the "park" with the necessary equipment to make it more appealing than, oh I don't know any open field or sidewalk in the town?"

Tara took and deep breath and wondered what sort of creature lived in the realm of Marget's ass.

"As I mentioned before, we can get donations, such as equipment and money for construction and even volunteer work time. Once the community knows what this is all about I'm sure they will back the effort."

"I'm sure you know all about having the _backing_ of the community Dr. Knowles."

"Indeed." Tara muttered and pushed the issue to the back of her mind as she turned to the group at large.

"We'll need to take vote, and we'll let you know immediately afterward, Dr Knowles." Patricia St. James, an older, gray haired woman with kind bright violet eyes said to Tara in dismissal.

Tara gave the group a smile again, and then walked out of the crowded conference room. As she turned from closing the door she spied Jax walking down the hallway toward her. Happiness moved through her chest and she smiled at him. He smirked back at her.

He walked up to her and kissed her on the lips, and Tara felt desire move through her body. He pulled back from her and ran a hand through her hair.

"Hey baby." he said

"Hey" she said breathlessly.

He smiled at her and tried to pull her further down the hall. She giggled and resisted, knowing that he was trying to get her alone in the on-call room. He gave her a questioning look at her resistance.

"I can't, I'm waiting for the committee to make a decision on my project", she said.

"Thought that was already done."

"Nope, meeting ran over, they are just now voting on it. I have to be a good girl for a while longer."

"Damn, I hate it when you have to be something that you clearly are not", he said with lecherous grin.

She opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted when the door to the conference room opened and the committee members started pouring out. Each of them smiled at her as they passed and ignored Jax. He stood off to the side with a sarcastic little grin on his face, and Tara rolled her eyes at him.

Patricia walked over to her and grabbed her hand. "You have your project Dr. Knowles. The committee decided that you and Mrs. Murphey will work as co-chairs on the project. Congratulations."

Margret approached Tara slowly, "I guess we're heading this thing up together."

"I guess so." said Tara.

"Well, I'll have my secretary give you all of my contact information. We need to set up a meeting, perhaps lunch?" Margret said as she cast a weary eye on Jax, who was watching her with only half interest.

"Alright. I'll look forward to speaking with you then." Tara said.

Margret nodded at her and moved past them. Tara poked her head into the conference room and then grabbed Jax's hand and pulled him in. She threw herself into his arms, pressing her mouth against his and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He lifted her onto the table and stepped in between her legs.

"I love you Jax."

He didn't respond, he just grabbed her hips and ground her pelvis against his crotch.

She sighed against his lips. "Not here."

He groaned softly and ground harder against her. She pulled back from him. "Not here, don't want my good image ruined."

He scoffed at her and pulled her closer, "I'm sure that nurse walking in on us three days ago was a huge image boost."

"No one will ever believe that story."

Again he didn't respond, he simply slipped his hand inside her pants and under her panties.

She gasped and tried to pull back but he held her in place. Tara moaned softly and surrendered herself over to the man that owned her, mind, body and soul.

* * *

Tara sat in the middle of the floor next to Abel's soft blue blanket. She had him on his stomach and was dangling his singing caterpillar above his head to encourage him to push up onto his arms. He had his head up and was following the movement of his favorite toy and smiling at Tara's gentle encouragements.

This was the last of a four day long vacation for Tara. It was also John's first day back to school. The house was quiet for the first time in two weeks, and Tara was enjoying every minute of it.

"Come on little guy, you see the caterpillar? You see him smiling at you? All you have to do is...AHHHHHHH!"

She jumped to her feet and grabbed her cell phone and snapped a picture of Abel in a full push-up. When she was satisfied with the picture she bent down and scooped him up and handed him his toy.

"That was so good Abel! Daddy is going to be so happy when he gets that! I am so proud of you baby!" she said as she danced around the room with him in her arms. He cooed at her and waved his toy around in her face.

"Ugh, little guy. I love you so much, I am so happy for you, so proud", Tara told him while she fought back tears. She could hardly believe that just a few months ago she had held his tiny fragile body in her hands.

Her phone began to go off and she laughed as she answered it.

"Was that real?" Jax asked before she had the chance to say hello.

"Of course", she said on a laugh.

"How did you? How did he? I'll be home in ten", he said and then disconnected the line.

Tara turned as she heard the front door opening. Gemma stood framed in the doorway, at Tara's questioning look she held up her cell phone.

"Jax forwarded me that picture. Had to come by and see for myself." she said in explanation.

Tara smiled and walked over and handed her Abel. Gemma held him up above her head and smiled at him. He cooed back at her and waved his toy around. She cuddled him to her chest and looked over at Tara.

"I know you've been swamped, with work and taking care Abel and John, so I hired a nanny", she said.

Tara head snapped back as if she had been slapped.

"I can handle my kids and my job Gemma", she snapped.

"Not saying that you can't darlin', just saying that when you have to have Juice come help you with babysitting duties it's time to call in reinforcements."

"You could have told me, I would have liked to have a say in it."

"Well considering that Abel will be her main responsibility and he isn't really _your_ responsibility I felt that the decision could be made without your input."

"Who is this person?"

"Amarie's oldest daughter Nita", Gemma snapped.

"Do you know anything about her? Did you do a background check?"

Gemma ignored her and walked over to Abel's blanket and laid him down on his stomach. He immediately pushed up and Gemma smiled at him. Seeing him do that reminded her of when she had taught Jax to do that exact thing. She knew that he was doing it because of Tara's encouragement, which made her feel slightly guilty for shutting her out of the decision making process.

"Amarie has been my housekeeper for twenty years. We can't just go to some nanny service and hire anyone. This person would have to be someone we can trust and someone that can keep their mouths shut."

Tara relented and sat down next to Abel. He immediately turned his head toward her and smiled.

"Well, I hope she is flexible, because my schedule can be crazy", Tara said in acceptance of Gemma's decision.

"And yes, Juice did a background check before I hired her."

"Thank You", Tara muttered as she smiled back at Abel.

* * *

Tara sighed as she watched Abel slipped under sedation. She would never kick the feeling of unease at watching his eyes close that way.

Today was his one month check-up with the pediatric cardiologist. She stood to the side of his gurney as the technician ran the ultrasound over his heart. She watched the screen for any signs of abnormality but couldn't detect any. When they were done she stepped out of the room to allow the nurse to come in an draw blood.

When they were done she stepped back into the room and walked over to Abel's hospital bed. He was still asleep and would probably remain that way for the next thirty minutes or so. She touched his forehead and let out a deep sigh.

She picked him up and carried him back to the examination room. She handed him to Gemma so that she could dress him. She walked over to his chart and made a few notations, muttering as she did so.

"Have there been any issues?" she asked Gemma quietly.

Gemma flashed her an amused look, "You tell me, you see him more than I do."

Tara sighed and tucked the chart against her chest. She was about to reply when ultrasound technician stepped into the room and beckoned her outside. She spoke with him quietly, occasionally glancing over her shoulder at Gemma through the thin glass window on the door of the examination room.

She walked quickly backed into the room, breaking into an uncontrollable smile.

"He's perfect, completely clean. Echos are all gone, blood work will be back tomorrow, but we are optimistic that show improved health as well."

"He's still really fussy with his feedings...-" Gemma said quickly.

"We'll try him on soy formula for a while, see how that works on him."

"I don't want him turning into some pussy little vegan", Gemma scoffed.

"He'll drink it in his wife beater onsie", Tara said over a slight smile.

"Ha. Dr. Funny."

Gemma watched Tara make notes in Abel's chart. She was glowing with news of Abel's health, her eyes sparkled and a small smile danced around her mouth.

"How's his sleep apnea?" she asked Tara and watched as the glow and smile dimmed a bit, "Oh come on, you're there every night."

"On the nights that I am there, he sleeps just fine," she replied sarcastically.

"Uh huh", Gemma replied as she continued to watch Tara.

* * *

Tara came home to a messy, but quiet house. She looked at the scattered toys and empty plates and cups that littered the living room and hallway and let out a deep breath.

She moved down the short hallway and into Abel and John's room. Gemma was standing over Abel's bed talking to him and was buried under the blankets on his bed. Tara walked over to the crib and looked down at Abel. He was fighting sleep, but Tara could see his eyes drifting closed. She smiled down at him, trying to imagining more babies with Jax's smile and her hair.

"You on birth control?" Gemma asked her suddenly and brought her abruptly out of her daydreaming.

Tara threw her a look and Gemma held up a hand.

"You just have that look about you."

"What? The aching, empty womb look?" she asked her sarcastically.

"You've always had a way with words sweetheart", Gemma said as she made her way out of the room.

Tara stood there looking down at Abel for a moment, letting Gemma's words roll around in her brain. She followed her out into the living room, taking the bait.

"You think I'm using Jax to get another baby?" she asked.

"God no", Gemma said as she threw the strap of her purse over her shoulder, "If you're going to trap someone, make sure they've got money."

Tara gave her a slight smile and shook her head, having no reply for that. She watched as Gemma made her way to the door.

"Where are you at, with the whole me and Jax thing?" she asked.

"What do you care what I think?", Gemma asked, for once looking taken aback.

"Jax cares."

"You really want my advice?" Gemma asked as she moved away from the door. At Tara's nod she moved a little bit closer to the girl who had once been like a daughter to her, and who had broken her heart as only a daughter could. "Total disclosure. You're too smart, too neurotic to live in the vague. "

Tara looked down at her feet.

"Draw the line, no information, no pussy", Gemma said simply.

"I'm not sure I want to know", Tara said quietly as she stared at her feet.

"Then this will never work", Gemma said as she turned back to the door.

"Did Big John tell you everything?" Tara asked her quickly.

Gemma looked back at her and read the desperation in Tara's face.

"You love the man. You_ learn_ to love the club", she said as she once again walked back to Tara.

"If you can do that, then there's no truth you can't handle", she looked down at Tara and for the first time in the thirty years she had been with the club, she felt as if her time were coming to a close. Jax would choose Tara, always he would choose her. Gemma knew that, and she knew that she had to help Tara become the sort of woman that could stand behind Jax as the president.

She leaned forward and kissed Tara on the lips, finally welcoming her into their world.

* * *

Gemma's words were still ringing in Tara's ears when she heard the front door open. She looked up, surprised that Jax was home so early. He looked at her and she saw his eyes soften as he walked over to her.

He leaned over her and kissed her.

"I thought you were going to Bobby's party?" she asked

"I did, needed to come home", he said tiredly.

Tara took in his haggered face and sober expression. She wanted to ease the ghosts from his eyes, but she had no idea how to ask him.

"I'm gonna go jump in the shower", he muttered as he made his way down the hallway.

Tara sat up as she heard the shower turn on. She got up and made her way down the hall, she stopped at the bathroom doorway and watched as Jax leaned his head against the shower caddy.

She wanted to ease the tension from his body, let him unload on her. She wanted complete truth between them, no more barriers.

Tara opened her mouth to say all of that to him and her courage failed her. She saw him turn the shower off and turn toward the shower door and she stooped down and grabbed his clothes.

Turning from him with the bundle held tightly in her arms, she nearly missed the blood soaked rag hanging out of the pocket of his jeans. She turned back to him, pulling the bandanna out of his pocket as she did so. Their eyes locked, and she could see him holding his breath, waiting for the explosion.

Her mouth curved into a sad little smile. No more barriers, she thought.

"You know why I'm always running?" she began quietly, "I don't trust anyone."

"Tara..-"

"If I'm going to do this, I'm going to need the truth."

"I have been telling you the truth."

"Not just the stuff you think I can handle. I want everything, it's the only way that I'll know if I can handle it for the long haul."

He looked at her with a sad expression, and she thought for a moment she saw a whisper of a tremble in his lower lip. His face changed, grew hard, dangerous. He looked at her through eyes that glittered and Tara wondered briefly how many people had seen this expression before they met their end.

"I helped Opie kill a man today. Revenge for Donna", he said in a dead tone of voice.

She continued to stare at him, absorbing all of the emotions creeping through her body. She felt a trickle of fear, but most of all she felt joy. Joy that Donna's killer was finally punished.

He moved closer to her, his expression suddenly vulnerable again. When she said nothing to him still, he took the bandanna from her and sat it on the sink.

"I'm gonna go to bed", he said quietly as he moved around her, careful not to even brush her arm with his.

Tara walked over to the bandanna and looked down at it. Digesting that knowing this did not change in any way her dedication to staying with Jax.

She picked the bandanna up and carried it to the laundry room, grabbing a lighter from the utility drawer as she passed through the kitchen. She threw Jax's clothes in the washer, and then carried the bandanna over to the utility sink. She lit the lighter and touched the tip of the flame to the end of the bandanna, watching as the blood burnt away, watching as the cloth became a pile of ash in sink.

She walked back to the bedroom she had spent the last four weeks sharing with Jax and leaned against the door jab. She watched him sleep, wondering how they would make this work and keep their sanity. She smiled slightly and moved across the room.

As she climbed into bed with him she realized that he was her sanity, her light. Without him there was only darkness. She tucked her arm under his and felt him grab her hand and bring it to his lips. She snuggled closer to him and let sleep take over her mind and body.

* * *

"Tara...Tara...it's you", Jax mumbled as he shook her awake.

She grumbled but rolled over and grabbed her cell phone from her nightstand.

"Hello", she whispered into the phone.

"Tara, it's Gemma. I need you."


	14. Heavy In Your Arms

_A/N: Okay guys, I know this isn't anywhere near as long as my chapters usually are, but I am suffering from writers block a bit. (ie. still coming down from my Patho, O Chem, Genetics, Calc II nightmare of a semester). I just wanted to give you guys something, let you know I am still here. Still working. My hope is that the juices will start flowing, well they are flowing I am just having trouble piecing some things together. Somehow this turned into a Tara-Gemma chapter, but I think it is fitting. I always wondered at how their relationship evolved so fast from hatred to friendship to love. _

_I want to pull us through season 3 and the long 14 months before the new season starts on TV. :)I'll be able to do it, I have the entire summer (yay! summer break) to do it. Again, thanks for reading, please review, the more detailed the better.  
_

_Disclosure: I am only doing this for fun, to distract myself from my horrible grades, to stop crying over my plummeted GPA and because Charlie Hunnam makes my heart go thump. Le Sigh. In other words, I own nothing having to do with Sons of Anarchy. Except John. :)  
_

**I was a heavy heart to carry**

** My beloved was weighed down**

** My arms around his neck**

** My fingers laced a crown**

** I was a heavy heart to carry**

** But he never let me down**

** When he held me in his arms**

** My feet never touched the ground**

** I'm so heavy**

** Heavy in your arms**

**-Florence and the Machine**

"Gem-" Tara began in a hushed whisper.

"DONT, say anything. Not my name. Not anything. Just meet at your house." Gemma said cutting across Tara's sleep filled words.

"But..." Tara tried again.

"Tara, please" Gemma said, and the crack in her voice brought Tara to full attention and out of her bed.

"I'll be right there." Tara said quickly and before she fully snapped her phone closed, she was pulling on shoes and jogging out of the bedroom door.

The hand on her arm made her do a 180, so shocked was she by the suddenness and strength of it on her arm.

"What's going on?" Jax whispered as he rubbed his free hand over his eyes to bring himself fully out of sleep.

Remembering Gemma's whispered plea Tara dodged his eyes and gave him a fake half smile. "Nothing. Just the hospital, go back to bed."

He rubbed his warm hand up her arm, trailing his fingers along of the back of it, leaving a wake of heat behind him. He brought his hand up to rest on her fragile shoulder, cupping his hand against it perfectly.

"Okay, be careful. I love you." he said as he gently squeezed the part of her that he had just set aflame.

She gave him a quick smile, seriously battling with herself whether to drag him to the floor or walk out of the door.

The latter won.

"I love you too." she whispered hoping that their little conversation had not awaken John or Abel.

He leaned forward and kissed her, the hand that held her caressed her wrist while the one at her shoulder moved to her hair, his long fingers tangling in the heavy waves. He released her and stepped back, a cocky grin lighting his face at the look of bemused sexual desire on her face. He turned and walked back to their room, knowing when to make an exit.

Tara stared after him, jiggling her keys in her hand again debating the serious of Gemma's plea. She made a mental note to give her a tongue lashing if this wasn't absolute life or death.

* * *

As Tara walked through the door of her father's house (and she would forever think of this house as HIS and never hers, she had discovered recently that her home was wherever Jax was) and locked eyes with Chief Unser and then Gemma, her internal panic alarm went through the roof. Years of training had her immediately masking her reaction, putting on her outer doctor calm and moving toward Gemma with urgency and little worry.

She laid her blue medical bag down on the coffee table and sat next to Gemma, noting that she immediately sunk into herself when Tara reached for her and averted her eyes. The panic alarm went from orange to red but Tara tucked it back, put it deep and began pulling out cotton swabs and antiseptic from the bag. As she turned toward Gemma she locked eyes with Chief Unser again, she noted the fear, worry and panic there and took a deep breath to still her shaking hands.

She began cleaning the wounds on Gemma's face, making no move to get any closer to her, letting her adjust to another body close to hers. Tara's imagination was running wild, but her thoughts kept circling around one possible culprit for Gemma's appearance and behavior. Briefly she remembered her own reaction to her beating and rape. Her shifting gaze, her shaky hands and flinching from every touch in the aftermath of that hurt.

"I'm going to need you to tell me what happened Gemma", she began softly, "so I can help you."

Gemma eyes bounced off of hers and her lips twisted slightly, "Use your imagination."

Tara's internal alarm went through the roof and unable to hide her panic any longer she dropped her swab and turned back to Unser. "We've got to get her to the hospital, NOW." she said.

"I can't go to the hospital", came Gemma's strong reply, "I'll have to check in, the insurance, the paperwork, everyone will know."

"I can't treat you in my living room." Tara said on the edge of hysteria.

Gemma looked away from her again, stubborn in her resolve. Tara's mind raced, trying to find a way to convince Gemma to get the help she so desperately needed.

"We'll take you the house, get you some fresh clothing. Go pick up Abel, check him in, say we're running more tests." Tara said quickly as she looked back at Unser.

"That's insurance fraud, you could lose your job.." Gemma began.

"You let me worry about that", Tara snapped across her objection.

Gemma looked away from them, her mouth working slightly, her hands fluttering in her lap.

"They can't know. No one." she said quietly, so quietly that Tara almost missed it.

"But...but we have to tell Clay!", Unser said loudly.

"No one", Gemma said as she turned back to them, "Not Clay. Not Jax. No one. Promise me"

Tara looked at Unser, and he stared back at her. They both knew that the club had to know about this, both knew that eventually the truth would come to light, but for now, to get Gemma the help she needed, to get her to consent they would agree to her terms.

Unser looked everywhere except at Gemma, " Okay, I won't tell."

Gemma looked at Tara for her consent.

"Okay, I won't tell." she whispered.

Gemma went back to staring at the wall. Unser moved toward the door and Tara got up, and idea suddenly occurring to her. She grabbed his arm and he turned questioning eyes to her.

"They're going to see her face." she whispered.

"I'll take care of it." he muttered as he opened the door and slipped out.

Tara watched him leave, the snap of the door closing ricocheting off the walls of the tiny living room. She looked over at Gemma, noting that she was still staring at the wall. She walked over to her and carefully sunk into the spot she had moments before vacated. She carefully lifted her hand and rested it on Gemma's clenched fist, trying to bring her what little comfort she could. Her fist remained clenched, shutting Tara out not letting in the bit of warmth she was offering. Her face was turned away still, and Tara sighed and continued to rest her hand there.

Something akin to shock raced through Tara's system as she felt Gemma relax her hand and grasp the tips of her fingers in a stranglehold unlike anything Tara had ever experienced. She looked at their joined hands and her eyes flashed up to Gemma's face, which was now facing Tara completely.

Gemma held her gaze for a moment and then tears filled her eyes and Tara watched in amazement as one single solitary tear slipped from Gemma's eye.

"I I ...", Gemma tried to begin, " I ...when ..when you were gone. When..when you left', she paused and looked down at their joined hands,"I missed you. It ...it hurt me too. Having you leave that way." she finished on a whisper.

Tara had never been more shocked in her life. She sat there in the profound silence that followed Gemma's admission, grappling to find the right words that would apply to this situation.

"Gemma", she finally said surprised to find that she was pushing back tears of her own, "I don't think this is the time to be talking about this just now."

Gemma smiled sadly, "It's the perfect time sweetheart."

Tara said at her in mute silence, for once at loss for words.

"I just wanted to let you know...that...that Jackson isn't the only one that is glad you are back." she said, and then as abruptly as her expression opened up it closed off. Tara nodded, knowing that the conversation was over for now and absorbing the words that had just been thrown at her.

* * *

Gemma and Tara drove back to Gemma's house in complete silence. It wasn't strained as most of their time together since Tara's return had been, it was comfortable, and comforting.

Gemma led Tara back into her bedroom, into the large walk-in closet that had once enchanted Tara into believing Gemma was a real live princess. Tara began looking through Gemma's wardrobe, trying to find something clean and loose fitting. When she told Gemma what she was doing, Gemma gave a short laugh and began making her way over to what looked to be an old trunk.

Gemma flipped back the lid and immediately Tara was overcome with the smell of cedar.

"A Hope chest?" Tara questioned lightly as she came to stand next to Gemma.

A wiry smile twisted Gemma's lips, "My mother, had to have a Hope chest for, controlling and traditional down to the core that was woman was."

Tara bit back a smile and continued to stare into the chest, wondering what Gemma could possibly be looking for. Gemma pulled out what looked like an old peasant skirt and gypsy top.

"These work?" she asked Tara as she stuffed the clothes into her hands

"Yea", Tara replied as she began shaking them out. What appeared to be four pieces of small paper fell out of the skirt as Tara shook out the wrinkles. She knelled down to pick them up noting that each picture contained a laughing and smiling Gemma next to an equally happy and smiling Big John. Tara looked at the young Gemma in the picture, her expression open and happy, her hazel eyes dancing, her long dark hair streaming down in waves around her face.

Gemma walked over to Tara and peeked at the pictures, sighing slightly when she saw them.

"You look happy here", Tara remarked quietly.

"I was happy there", Gemma said quietly with a faraway look in her eye.

Tara's mind was overflowing with questions about the past, but from the looks of Gemma she knew now was not the time to be tripping down memory lane.

"You mind if I keep these for John?", Tara asked.

Gemma waved a hand at her, as if to say go right ahead, as she made her way out of the closet. Tara tucked the pictures into her pocket and followed her out. Gemma changed and dressed quickly and the two women made their way over to Jax's house to Abel. As they drove in their new found comfortable silence Gemma studied Tara's profile. She had to admit to herself, that she had been running Tara through the ringer since she had come back to Charming, but she had to be sure of Tara. Gemma would never admit it out loud but Tara scared the shit out of her. Or rather, Tara's effect on her family scared the shit out of her.

Gemma could no longer deny that she loved the woman beside her. Had loved her from the day she was born. Her anger was born of hurt and fear. Fear for Jackson and fear for her family. Tara's absence had left an eroded hole in the core of their world. It was felt, by all. The blankness in Jax's eyes when he roared through the garage and into the kitchen that spring morning so many years ago had left Gemma cold. The ensuing anger/depression cycle that Jax has experienced scared Gemma even more. So much that she had taken it upon herself to go to San Diego and find Tara herself.

**_Gemma Teller was a smart woman, had seen a lot of the world, had experienced many things, but when she walked into the once happily shared apartment above her garage and found her only son bleary eyed and reeking of southern comfort and weed, witnessing his almost emaciated form lying on the bed that _**_SHE_**_ had left him in, well she felt she had no other choice but to go get Tara and drag her back to Charming by her hair kicking and screaming. _**

**_Enough of this shit, she thought as she pulled her son's hair back from his face while he retched into the waste basket she hastily brought over to him. She tucked him in, or rather, draped a comforter that she hoped was clean over him and turned him on his side less he aspirate on his own vomit; and called Luanne to come sit with him as she walked to her car. _**

**_She didn't need directions to UCSD, she had been mapping the way in her mind for the last three months, mentally calculating the right time to get her and bring her back. Lighten the sudden darkness that had appeared in their home. _**

**_Gemma drove quickly but with purpose. Jackson is my son, she rationalized to herself over and over as her Impala moved closer to San Diego, it is my god given right as his mother to protect him. Even then she had trouble admitting that she too was missing Tara. Her presence, Gemma had come to discover, was a warm, calming balm to them all. She would never admit it to anyone. _**

**_As soon as she arrived on campus Gemma began to execute her plan, not knowing a dorm from an academic hall, she looked for the signs directing her to the admissions department. She walked into the large brick building, smiling slightly at the heavy set black woman behind the reception desk. _**

**_"May I help you?" the woman asked Gemma politely. _**

**_"Yes, I am here to visit my niece, but I seem to have misplaced her dorm number, could you possibly direct me to where I might find her?" Gemma asked politely giving the woman her most innocent, confused smile. _**

**_The woman looked away from Gemma and began typing on her computer. "What is her name?"_**

**_"Tara, Tara Knowles." _**

**_"She is Hardman Hall, Dorm number 118, first floor. Would you like me to call her room and let her know you are on your way up?" _**

**_Gemma smiled slightly as she backed away from the reception desk, "No thank you, I am here to surprise her." _**

**_She walked quickly to Tara's dorm room using the male student population as her guide (it was amazing how fast you could get one of these young boys to help you when you flashed him a bit of side boob). When she got to Tara's door she knocked harder than she intended, her anger had built itself up that she would have to go to such length, and walk such a long distance to find the girl. When no one answered, she banged harder causing the door to shake roughly, and a young black woman walking down the hall gave her a strange look and stopped by her side. _**

**_"You looking for Tara?" she asked boldly. _**

**_Gemma turned to her and had to check her anger, she had not come her for this little bitch. _**

**_"Yes, I am." _**

**_"Well, I'm her O Chem study partner, she's never here during the day always over at the library, second floor back near the floor to ceiling windows. She likes to read there, says it relaxes her." _**

**_Gemma gave the girl a tight smile, and the girl smiled back, her dimples winking quickly. _**

**_"Thanks", Gemma said as she turned on her heel and began yet another journey across the endless campus that was UCSD. _**

**_As she rounded the stacks on the second floor of the library, she saw her there, her feet propped up on the small coffee table, her head tossed back against the back of the overstuffed arm chair she was sitting in and her eyes firmly shut. There was a large book with Fundamentals of Organic Chemistry printed in large print on the front draped across her lap. Gemma stood there, frozen to the spot, her usual tenacity evaporating quickly in the wake of what she was seeing. Tara, her Tara, one of THEM so properly integrated into this world. Out here, really making something of herself. _**

**_How could she take that away? How could she drag her back to future that might run her down, turn her into a woman like Luanne, or any of the thousands of jaded old ladys she had seen come through the SAMCRO door? Could she force Tara back? Make her become like Mary, hating Jax in the end, becoming bitter and mean? _**

**_No, Gemma decided right then. No she could not do that to her, would not do that to her she decided as she took one last sweeping look at the girl that had become her daughter, turned and walked away._**

The car bumped it's way into Jax's drive way and Gemma looked at the station wagon already taking up most of the driveway's space.

"Shit, Neeta started today." she muttered quietly.

Tara threw her a look and Gemma climbed out of the car quickly making her way to the door. Tara lagged behind her, trying to think up a reason for them to suddenly appear and take Abel to the hospital when Gemma was obviously the one the needed medical treatment. As she walked toward the front door she could hear Gemma talking to the short, black, heavy set woman that was hovering near her.

Tara stepped up as the woman opened her mouth to ask Gemma's retreating back another question.

"I'm Doctor Tara Knowles. His doctor." Tara began hesitantly and Gemma moved past her out of the door.

Neeta turned her attention to Tara. "You mind telling me what's going on here?" she asked quickly.

Tara decided to level with the woman, after all Gemma trusted her, as much as she could without breaking Gemma's confidence.

"I need to get them BOTH to the hospital, right now."

Neeta looked at Tara, for the first time taking note of the woman's eyes, her features, which are clearing echoed in the oldest of Jax Teller's sons.

"You're John's mother." she said quietly, and realization dawned on her.

"Yes", Tara said quietly looking the woman in the eye.

Neeta nodded her head, "I think I better follow you to the hospital."

Tara nodded and smiled slightly, realizing that this woman's ability to read between the lines was probably the main reason why Gemma hired her.

"That would be great."

* * *

Having finished Gemma's physical evaluation, Tara was standing at the nurse's station pretending to go over her chart when she felt a tug on her coat from behind. She turned and found an anxious, worried Jax approaching her. He gave her a quick kiss and moved closer to her.

"How is she?", he asked in hushed worried tones.

Tara closed her folder and tried to get her scattered thoughts in line. She had to make Jax believe that his mother had indeed only been in a car accident like Unser had told Clay early.

"She's fine", Tara said quickly trying to hold his gaze, "Just a few cuts and bruises."

He let out a breath and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "Good, Thank you."

She gave him a half smile and looked away from him, trying to figure out how to get the conversation away from Gemma.

"I'd better go out and talk with Clay", she said quickly, and hurried away from Jax, hoping that he hadn't caught on to her plastic smile and shifting eyes. She kept her head down and her arms wrapped around her manila envelope as if it weighed more than a ton of bricks.

Jax slowly followed her, wondering at her strange behavior and finally realizing that it had something to do with what went on between them the night before. As she started to round the corner he grabbed her arm from behind and brought her flush against him, he grabbed her face and kissed her long and slow, drawing the breath from her body. When he pulled back and looked down into her eyes, he noticed that they were now darker, and more glazed over.

"I'm sorry about last night", he said quietly, still holding her gaze, " I want you to know that it means a lot to me that you're trying to figure this thing out."

Tara shook her head and looked away from him again, feeling like a fool for asking him for complete disclosure and now holding this very important piece of information from him.

"What's wrong?", Jax asked her as he grabbed her chin and turned her eyes toward him again. She blinked at him and he could see the shutters go down behind her eyes, sealing him off from her thoughts.

"Nothing", she said with a wooden smile.

He stared at her for a moment longer, willing her to open back up to him again, and wondering when she had learned to conceal her thoughts so easily. He had to do something to pull her back.

"You know, this full disclosure thing works both ways", he said riding purely on instinct.

Her eyes widened and just like that Jax could see through her again. "I know", she said and quickly stepped away from his embrace and continued around the corner.

Jax smiled to himself and made a silent promise to himself to pry the truth from her as he followed her around the corner. He watched her as she consulted with Clay on Gemma's condition, watched her as she answered questions and watched her nervously walk away, stopping briefly to speak with their new nanny, Neeta.

"I have to pull a late shift tonight and I won't be home until 8, can you pick John up at school?" Tara asked Neeta quietly.

"Absolutely darling, and if you don't mind me saying that is one wonderful child you have raised."

"Thank you Neeta. John gets out at 3", she said as she shifted closer to Neeta, and nervously glanced over her shoulder. She saw Jax in close conversation with Clay and the other guys were preoccupied with conversations of their own.

"About Gemma..." Tara began hesitantly.

"Dont you worry about her. I'll stick around here and see that she gets back home safe and sound."

Tara leaned back and looked at the woman again, noticing that behind the gentle dark eyes of this seemly peaceful woman lurked steel. The other reason, Tara thought, that Gemma wanted her.

"Thank you Neeta."

* * *

As always whenever anything was wrong in her life, Tara threw herself into her work, successfully completing three surgeries and making her rounds without incidence. She drove back to Jax's slowly, finally allowing herself to absorb the day's events.

Gemma had been raped. She had to keep it from Jax.

What else would happen today, she thought as she pulled the parking break on her car and stared at the front door of Jax's house.

She walked through the front door and immediately heard the soothing sounds of what she believed to be gospel music. She let it wash over her, let it sooth over her frazzled nerves. She walked all the way into the house and saw Neeta sitting in the kitchen, her reading glasses on, her whole being completely absorbed in her bible.

"Um, hello Neeta", Tara said awkwardly from the doorway of the kitchen.

Neeta looked up from her bible and gave Tara a big, warm smile. She closed her book and sat it on the table gently, gesturing for Tara to come fully into the kitchen.

"How was your day Dr. Knowles?", Neeta inquired as she got up and walked over to the oven and pulled out a covered plate.

"Oh no, you don't have to do that...", Tara said as she flew across the room to stop Neeta from serving her.

"Of course I do honey, when was the last time you stopped to eat?", she asked quietly.

"I..I usually get something out of the vending machine."

Neeta smiled warmly at Tara and walked the plate over to the table, sitting it down she took the cover off to reveal golden baked chicken, mashed potatoes and steamed green beans. She hummed as she made her way back to the counter, taking a fork and knife out of the drawer and rising them in the sink, she bent back to the oven and pulled out a platter filled with soft, warm rolls. Tara felt, -and Neeta heard- her stomach growl loudly as she walked past her with the platter held aloft.

"You go on and sit down Dr. Knowles, I'll get you something to drink", Neeta said firmly as she walked toward the refrigerator.

Tara walked over to the table and sat at the place Neeta had so efficiently set for her. She began eating, and could hardly hold back the groan of pleasure as the baked chicken all but melted on her tongue.

Tara ate in silence and quickly. Neeta had barely slipped her reading glasses back on before Tara was wiping her mouth and pushing the chair back from the table to go wash her empty plate in the sink. Tara walked back to the table and began nursing her drink. She looked at Neeta, at a loss for the appropriate words to say to her.

"Thank You Neeta" Tara said, and felt as if that wasn't enough.

"You're welcome Dr. Knowles", Neeta replied as she sat her bible back on the table, "That boy of yours was deeply concerned about you getting something in that belly of yours when you hit the door. Had to promise him I'd get you to eat before he would go down for bed."

Tara laughed slightly and shook her head. John would forever be a worry wort, it was both a blessing and curse for him.

"I appreciate everything you did today, Neeta. I just want you to know that for me and for ...you know.."

"I know Dr. Knowles."

"You know Neeta I think you should call me Tara, and please no matter what John says, please don't feel obligated to cook for me."

Neeta laughed slightly, "Alright Tara, but I will cook for you, especially after a day like today. Just chalk it up to a fat woman's need to see all skinny women get some meat on their bones."

Tara gave a throaty laugh and relaxed a little more, sipping her drink and biting her lip. She smiled at Neeta, instantly deciding that she liked the woman. When she was done with her drink, she got up to rise her cup out, inquiring after Gemma's whereabouts.

"She's back in the nursery, where else would she be?" came Neeta succinct reply. Tara smiled at her as she moved past her and then stopped and turned toward her.

"She's going to need help, support, from here on out.." Tara began again battling against what to tell and what not to tell.

Neeta grabbed Tara's hand and looked her in the eye and again Tara saw the steel in the woman appear.

"I know Tara, I'm here."

* * *

She approached Gemma quietly, hoping not to startle her. When Gemma jerked awake and instantly shot up into a defensive pose, Tara backed up quickly hoping that at least today, Gemma wasn't packing.

"I'm sorry I'm late Gemma. I got a little backed up." Tara said quietly hoping not to disturb John or Abel.

"It's okay", Gemma said as she laboriously made her way up from the rocking chair. Tara watched as she began to walk from the room, holding onto everything she could for support.

"Gemma, you've got to talk to somebody, get this thing out." Tara began as Gemma slowly turned back to her.

Gemma grabbed her hand, and stroked her fingers over her knuckles lightly. "That's what I've got you for sweetheart."

Tara shook her head and looked down at Abel and Gemma released her, moving again at a slow pace through the door. Tara was about to follow her out of the room when she felt the pre-paid cell phone that Jax had given her vibrate in her pocket.

"Doc," came Juice's hurried reply when she answered this phone with a sigh, "We need you, have an emergency at the clubhouse."

"Rate it Juice, scale 1 to 10" she said quickly as she began walking out of the door of the nursery and down the hall.

"85 Doc."

"I'm on my way."

Tara walked back into the kitchen where Gemma and Neeta were standing, talking. Their conversation seemed kind of heavy and Tara was very hesitant to interrupt it.

"Excuse me, Gemma?" Tara interjected quietly.

They both turned to her and gave her identical questioning looks.

"I've got to go, there's a medical emergency TM."

"Oh my god," Gemma breathed.

"You stay here and I'll call you with the details when I get there", Tara offered quickly, hoping to relieve some of Gemma's stress.

"The hell you will, I'm coming."

"It's okay, Tara, I'll stay." Neeta threw in as she laid her bag down again and took her coat off.

* * *

Tara once again found herself alone in complete silence with Gemma. She drove to the garage quickly, ignoring two stop signs and blazing through one traffic light. It suddenly occurred to her, as she put the key in the ignition of the car, that Juice's 85 could have been made so high because of the_ person_ and not the wound. Her thoughts leaping to Jax, her foot became like lead, and she got to the garage in record time.

"Jesus", Gemma said as they skidded to a stop next to the office door, "It's not him Tara, his bike would be here, he must be out."

Tara's heart began to slow at Gemma's words, and as she looked around the parking lot for any signs of his bike she got a grip on her shaking hands and thoughts. Of course it wasn't him, she thought, the entire club would be out her dragging her from the car if their VP was hurt. Taking a calming breath she looked over at Gemma and attempted to smile. Gemma smiled back, but it was shaky and did not reach her eyes.

Tara shook her head, her thoughts once again circling around what Gemma had said to her earlier. She looked over at her again, seeing her for the first time since she had returned to Charming.

"I...I missed you too," Tara whispered as Gemma threw the door open. She stopped in the act of sticking her leg out of the car and looked over at Tara, open mouthed and shocked.

Tara gripped the steering wheel of the car, waiting for the blazing retort to slip from Gemma's mouth. When none came she looked over at her and taking in her expression simply sat staring at her.

Their eyes locked, and all the pain, the hurt, the anger and words that were carefully formed and aimed like bullets suddenly evaporated between them. Tara was once again the young woman-child Gemma adored and Gemma was once again the pentacle of womanhood that Tara worshiped. Gemma shook her head, breaking the trance and laid her hand gently on Tara's cheek. Tara smiled at Gemma and they both knew, from here forward the past was the past and what was in front of them would determine their relationship.


	15. Beautiful Mess

Alright guys, I am working on this chapter *ducks from the tomatoes chucked her way* I am sorry for my extremely long absence. I suck, I know. I hate when authors do what I did, but it happened anyway, let's be like Tara and just forgive me because I thought I was doing what was best. :)

This is an excerpt. I just want to feel around and see there is still interest. I just needed this to get me jump started so I can continue with the story.

It's John. I love this character, he is such a shining star in my imagination, and I used to wonder why? Where did he come from? He is an awesome kid, now I remember I used to KNOW a boy like John. He was amazing and my best friend. :) So here's what I have. Read it an let me know if you want more.

I know this may seem like a mature conversation for two 10 year olds to be having, but put into context, it really is not. I've always wondered where Opie's kids were with the whole losing their mom thing, and gaining a slutty step mom. I'm sort of pissed for not having even a little attention given to that, but I still love KS.

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"Someday, I'm gonna get as far away from Charming as I possibly can and never turn back."

John looked over at Ellie, the back of his head soundless against the soft grass. His blue eyes watched her, watched as she pulled a long blade of grass from her father's back yard and stuck it in between her full, pink lips. She was lying flat on her back, her legs propped on his stomach her long, silky blond hair spread out like a blanket on the perfectly manicured lawn. Her eyes were closed, her hands folded over her worn pink shirt. John looked down at her feet which were crossed and laying against his rib cage.

He and Ellie had grown tight after her mother's murder. He spent nearly all of his free time with either her, or Kenny. They were quickly becoming his best friends. John considered her words, and found that he didn't like how heavy his chest felt when he thought about spending that much time away from her. His fingers unconsciously brushed over the toe ring he had given her for her birthday two days ago. It was white gold, with Celtic crosses engraved all over it. He won it in an e-bay auction, staying up until 3 am to make sure he got it for her. He couldn't help but think that the effort was worth it, when she opened the box and her eyes lit up like green fireworks on the Fourth of July.

He absently twisted the ring around her second toe as his mind circled the possibility of a world without Ellie. He found he could not imagine it, which gave him pause. He had only known her for three months after all, most of his life he had been without her, so why was she so vital now? John's great mind circled around the topic over and over, dissecting it much like he dissected the lab rat in biology the day before, pulling it apart piece by piece he could only come to one conclusion.

"Ellie", he said "I love you."

He expected her to sit up quickly and punch him, to open her eyes and blush and repeat what he had just confessed, but Ellie didn't do any of that, she remained on her back, her eyes closed every muscle relaxed and at ease as she said,"I know John."

He began playing with the white blond peach fuzz hair on her legs as he contemplated her answer. John had inherited his mother's ability to think before he questioned, to reason before he opened his mouth. He used his words carefully, wisely and much like Tara could use them to wound and destroy.

"How do you know that?", he asked quietly.

She didn't say anything for a moment, didn't seem to even be acknowledging that he was speaking to her, and then her bright hazel eyes opened, more blue than green this time and she said, "You take care of me like my dad took care of my mom. You look at me like Jax looks at Tara."

She pushed herself up on to her elbows and looked down at him. John stared back at her, a slight frown marring his face, "But if you know it, why would you try to leave me?"

She looked away from him, staring at the mural her mother painted on the gate in an effort to brighten up the backyard. When she turned her eyes back to him, John caught his breath, those were not the eyes of a 10 year old girl, they were far too wise, had seen far too much and experienced too much pain. Those eyes understood fundamental truths in life that no child should ever have to understand.

"Daddy loved my mom, sometimes when we would visit him in prison, they wouldn't even talk, they would just stare at each other. They could communicate their love without words. It was so strong that she cried every single night he was gone, and when she left him she cried more. They were only ever happy together. Even so John, he couldn't protect her from everything, he couldn't protect her when it mattered the most. She's dead because she loved him too much", she ended on a whisper.

John sat up and crawled his way over to her side, he curled his into hers, turning her so that they were face to face. "I'll always protect you Ellie, you're the best friend I have ever had. I'll always be here, and I do love you as, like, more than a friend. Life is full of crazy stuff, and evil people", he whispered as his thoughts flittered over Kohn and good it felt to see his blood splattered on the wall,"sometimes unexpected things happen, but that does not mean that it is any one person's fault. It's not your mom's love that killed her, El, it was bullets shot by an evil person out for revenge."

Tears dripped down her face as she listened to him speak, she wanted to push him away as he gathered her into his arms, as he whispered over and over that everything was going to be okay. Ellie knew, even at her young tender age that everything would not be okay, everything was wrong. She let him comfort her, let herself be sooth by him. John was her best friend and she did care about him, he made her blush and gave her butterflies sometimes, but those times were few and far between now. She knew what he felt for her, but she didn't want to be like her mother, so she closed her feelings off. She didn't want to love this sweet, smart, caring boy in front of her, she just wanted to be free.


End file.
